Crossroads

[Contragoldfinch]

[If mods think this belongs elsewhere better, please let me know/move it]
Hi, nice to meet you. I’ve been reading a few of the threads the last few days and they’re so informative. It’s been really helpful for me to hear others’ experiences. My situation isn’t too serious, honestly. And it’s actually the safest it’s been in years right now. I’m here for advice moving forward and possibly to figure out some of the past.

I’m standing at a crossroads. The worst (might) behind me. My problem is my father. My mother passed away while I in my teens and I’ve been dealing with him for over a decade now. He grew up spoiled and holds some misogynistic views. Both my parents worked but it wasn’t egalitarian. My mother would still be the one to cook and clean everything despite working the same hours as him and suffering from long-term illness.

After she passed this behavior moved onto me. To make it worse he hoarded and starts DIY projects that only ever make things worse. It’s been really, really tough dealing with him. A lot of debating “well I should clean up it’s normal for teens to have chores” or “Well he does pay for my food and stuff so I should clean up”. Now I struggle with “Am I justified to think I’ve done enough in the house?”. I get really wound up trying to decide if my contributions to the households I live in is enough. So from school to college our relationship was made of only arguments and guilt/debt.

Big changes this year
For various reasons I won’t go into right now I started living with him again. We lived perfectly peacefully for months. I went about my business, cleaning my areas and leaving his mess. You give an inch, this man takes a mile. I offered him some of my extra dinner a few nights and he starts with “What’s for dinner tomorrow? I like chicken” Then you can go make yourself some chicken!

But then it all blew up. He suffered a stroke -I had to call the ambulance and he brooded for the weeks he was in there that it was my “fault” he was stuck in a bed. He starts calling and asking me to clean the house. I see the moment to choose is here. If I start, I’ll probably get sucked into the cycle again. But he suffered a stroke!! You can’t just leave the house in the state it was with someone like that returning home! So despite my better judgement, I did so. Took me (detail removed by moderator)days.
With the pressure to do… all of it? He didn’t say what he wanted done and requested mostly impossible tasks (detail removed by moderator). With this pressure I ended up straining my muscles. I got so wound up that he’d be angry I couldn’t notice my limits (I’m normally fitter but I clean fast and had been doing very little with my job furloughed).

Anyway, I’m sure you can guess what happens. He gets back and says I only made things worse. He gets angry and says I did things wrong (even though they were things he asked for (detail removed by moderator). I’m so hurt. It’s just like before -and the pains in my legs are my evidence that I put a lot of effort into it. He has fresh sheets for the first time in (detail removed by moderator) months! The fridge has no mold! You can see the floor! But I gave an inch, so he’ll take a mile.
He starts harassing me to help. Generally, he “asks” for help like this:
(detail removed by moderator) X, can you help me with something?
(detail removed by moderator) Come down here.
[Here you can explain you just started a call or studying and that you’ll help later, if that’s okay. He won’t care]
(detail removed by moderator) Ohhh you don’t want to help? Not even a small thing? Oh okay i see.
(detail removed by moderator) appearing in your room door and making comments (threats) like (detail removed by moderator) 

He’s tried to throw away things of mine and I’ve been kicked out three or four times over the years. So these “gonna change” comments really scare me. In the end I think it’s better to just help than deal with the anxiety of not knowing what’s coming.

So I barricaded my door. I couldn’t relax with him brooding about. Thank God I did. He knocks again and I hold it shut. He pushes and the barricade prevents it opening. Annoyed by this and shouting (detail removed by moderator) he tried to pull me out. This was during the lockdown. I quickly learnt how people end up homeless.
So I don’t live with this monster anymore! I’m out! And I live in a nice enough house where I’m not harassed and bullied.

Crossroads
His health is getting worse and people want me, the only child, to care for him. They think it’d be good for us both if I move back home.

I saw someone mention emotionally abusive people make their situation worse to force you to feel guilty and help. He won’t get the support he needs. It’s like someone had poor legs and needed crutches. You tell them “Hey, take your crutches” before you go out for a walk and they say “No, no, I’m fine.” And when their legs fail YOU end up carrying them home. You put in all the extra work because they couldn’t be bothered in supporting themselves.

Recently he called asking for help with something. When I said, “Uhm no, not right now. No, probably not tomorrow either.” he said (detail removed by moderator)
You use things father, not people.

[Sleepy]

Hope you can sort this out. The people who suggest you move back in, are they his friends? And are they lifting a finger to help? You know your situation best, you need to do what’s right for you, though keep a bridge of communication open between you if you can. Lay down the boundaries and stick with them.
If he needs support can he get Carers or a cleaner or something like that, then you’re not involved with that side of his life and it’d be easier for both of you.

[Lisa]

Hi Contragoldfinch,

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through all this but I’m also glad that you can recognise his abusive behaviours. Perpetrators will often ‘move the goal posts’ so nothing you ever do will be good enough. If you try to help then he’ll be abusive; if you don’t help then he’ll be abusive. It’s really not ok.

He’s not your responsibility to look after. I’m sorry if people are expecting you to look after him; this really isn’t your job. You may want to contact your local domestic abuse service; they may be able to give you some advocacy with social services to put in some extra care for him if needed. They might also be able to give you some ongoing emotional support with everything.

Please do keep reaching out for support and keep posting on here,

Lisa

[Contragoldfinch]

@Sleepy
Thanks for your reply. I got a little good news -someone who put some pressure on earlier recognized that they had gotten caught up in the whole thing. Being outside the family they couldn’t act but they were very worried. Recently I spoke to them and they recognized they were maybe too caught up and that taking care of myself was probably wiser.
I totally agree he’s time he just paid for the services he needs. But he’s a terrible cheapskate. He’d rather live in dirt.

@Lisa
Mhmm, I’d never thought of it as goal-post moving. It’s helpful to see it’s not that you didn’t reach the goal -it was moved on you.

@Lisa & Eggshells.
Regarding carers… he wants one kind of help. Help with his finance/administration (not giving him money). I think he needs other support but he refuses it -or he’ll accept it, but it’ll be on your dime.

The finance is causing the trouble now. He keeps calling and demanding help right there and then. He’ll try different methods -insults, the vague threats (this isn’t good for you).. and kind of begging? It’s really hard for me to deal with that. I don’t to be someone who forces someone to beg for help. That’s horrible. I gave in and went to help.
He basically wants to use you like a remote hand. He’ll tell you exactly what to write -if you do it differently he flips out. He’ll tell you (Detail removed by moderator) But he won’t tell you the name so you can look.
I can do these jobs in 30 minutes with proper instructions. But you spend an hour or so doing it his way -and feeling like you’re balancing glasses on your fingertips. Do something wrong and he’ll get all angry again.

Honestly, I don’t mind helping with this topic. But he just won’t accept the boundaries I’m trying to set. He calls my refusal childish.

Question: How much do children owe their parents?
He’s guilting me with “all the things I’ve done to help you”.
But when is the debt paid??? When have you done “enough” for your parents?? It’s impossible right?? You can never repay the money they have spent on you. You can’t give back the hours of work and love they’ve given to you. It’s overwhelming to even consider. And as Lisa suggested -the goalposts just keep moving.

I don’t want to be a horrible child. I really am willing to try care for him -I don’t think children should just ditch their parents (in a “normal” family anyway).

 

 

[Eggshells]

This is so frustrating. People want to get involved and tell. You what you should do. It’s not appropriate! You decide what you should do and no-one else.

If he really can’t manage then he’ll need to pay a cleaner or apply for care. Lots of people don’t have family living nearby and they manage in other ways.

Please do look into the options Lisa suggested and your father should look into finding himself and appropriate, paid, carer. xx

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