Crushed

[Missssy]

So it would appear he is in the early stages of a new relationship with someone who is the opposite of me. i can’t help but feel like she is in some way better than me or he is a better person for her than he could be for me. I don’t want anyone else to get hurt, of course. But I can’t help but feel like I was the problem. He should be gutted that I left him after years and he can’t see/contact me or his young (only) child but he has managed to get involved with someone else (weird timing as a lot has been going on) I don’t know if she is being used to give off a certain impression or just for his purposes of control, but whatever it is I feel like she must be more important to him than I ever was. I don’t know if I make sense I just feel so hurt I’m sorry x

[Dragonfly]

Hey. They can all put on a good show when required. He won’t be happy but no doubt will be making out he is. This woman is no better than anyone, she probably has no clue what he’s like. Please don’t think you’re somehow less than her or anyone else, you’re not! It is very hurtful but I think the best way to help recovery is to go no contact as much as possible. Block him on social media, tell your friends you don’t want to know about him. If you must have contact then make it only one way like email for example.

Try not to analyse or figure out what he’s up to, it’ll just drive you nuts. Concentrate on you and try to avoid him as much as possible.

[Dragonfly]

Sorry you’re going through this. It will get better

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Missssy,

It’s a classic abuser tool to bring in other women and rub them in our face. How you are feeling is exactly what he wants, as it weakens you and makes you feel bad about yourself, self doubt and are more likely to take him back as you are feeling a bit envious and lonely.

It’s not easy but if you can detach from it slightly and see it objectively, you can see that he has just brought in another unsuspecting victim as a pawn in his game. Sadly for her she probably thinks he’s this amazing guy, as he will be in the love bombing stage/honeymoon stage with her. He is probably mirroring her and pretending to be her ideal man. Because these men are dysfunctional and never change, his behaviour will fit the familiar pattern and the next stage will be where little hints of devaluing and abuse start up. Think of the cycle of abuse. It keeps going round and round until it escalates into dangerous violence and even death. I know at the moment it looks like he’s a changed man but it’s all a facade.

If you think about it, the women that all of our exes were involved with before us must have felt the exact same way about us – partly envious at him being apparently a perfect boyfriend to another woman and partly fearful for our wellbeing, knowing what he is really like.

I would feel the exact same as you if I saw my ex had a new partner, it’s a totally normal reaction, not checking his social media is really helping me a lot. Are you still checking his social media or connected to him in some way? If you can fully detach and go 100% no contact you won’t even know about any new relationships he has and it is honestly so healing.

[Missssy]

Thank you for taking the time to give me your views x

I don’t have any contact he was under strict instructions not to make any direct or indirect contact with me – no social media checking either- but we both had to be in the same place recently and that is where I have learned of her. He brought her somewhere he knew I had no choice but to be and see her. He courted me for a very long time before I got involved with him, and once I was with him he set about getting me to have a child with him (obviously I did but you know what these men are like) seemingly to trap me.

So I just struggle with how he has managed to ‘move on’ so quickly when he has lost me (who he worked hard to get hold of and then keep/trap) and the baby he is so ‘devoted to’. I don’t know what to make of it because I know I was a pretty big deal to him. Not meant in an obnoxious way at all but you know… 🙁

[KIP.]

Hey there. What he is doing is very typical of an abuser. We take time to get over and recover from a break up. Abusers have no empathy. It’s to hurt you and to try to prove to everyone how nice he is that he’s got someone else. She too will be getting exactly the same treatment you did early on, putting us on a pedestal, grooming us. What is so very obvious is that she was somewhere he knew you would find out. Mine did the same. I didn’t have to know about her but he couldn’t help himself. He thought it would make him feel good to make me feel small and hurt. It’s just another form of abuse. A very painful one. I read an article about abusers how most people have a vertical order of relationships. Like at the top would be say your husband, the going down your child then your parent then your pet going down the list. Abusers have a horizontal list like a washing line where they just pick off that line as they see what they need. So this new woman and his child and you and his parent etc are all along the line. I no order of preference, just to be picked off and used as needed. My ex was seeing someone behind my back. Teeing up his next victim as he sensed I was getting fed up with his abuse and was making steps to get away. Please don’t try to work out his thinking. They are dysfunctional self serving, nasty selfish people. That’s why no contact is the best form of defence. Next time you have to be in the same place as him. Ask yourself how you get out of that. You have a choice not to see him again.

[Missssy]

Thanks so much again – I am slowly trying to come around to being objective about it rather than letting my emotions and low self esteem rule me.

It does seem like it has been done to get at me. A further jab as he hasn’t had any other chances to get messages or manipulation to me in a very long time now. He knew while we were together that threatening me with leaving or saying we should see other people was a massive weakness to me – even worse than the insults and violence almost.

So perhaps it is just a continuation of abuse – trying to really hit me where he KNOWS it will hurt. Maybe. Definitely?

I am so ridiculously insecure I can’t even stick to one way of thinking.

[Missssy]

I’m so sorry to drag this up again I just feel so alone. It doesn’t seem to matter how many people are around me, all I can think is that I’ve been forgotten about and cast aside.

It’s funny because there is a lot that actually doesn’t add up, and everyone except me seems to think this was some kind of show that was put on for my ‘benefit’ (detriment more like). They have unanimously said they think that he has drafted this person in for this exact purpose and has or will probably be discarding her when the job is done.

I just find it hard to believe that he would use someone to get at me. I don’t think I’m worth such trouble or that someone would actually do that?

[Author]

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