Crying and missing him

[Tamra]

I miss him so much its just awful Ive been gone nearly (detail removed by Moderator) months now and feel like my whole world is crumbling. My sons girlfriend saw him last night but it was all coincidence and I thought it was a way to get at me. Im sad that it wasnt in a way because that shows he doesnt care about me, well after nearly (detail removed by Moderator) decades being together I thought he would at least show something, to busy being in love with the new woman. I dont know why I worry as he did this with his first wife he cheated and controlled her for about the same length of time as me and I even met the woman he was cheating with when I first met him, she said to him ‘how come she (me) is the one to get you to leave your wife’, mind you he told me that so I question the truth behind that now.

I dont know what to do anymore or how to cope with the awful feeling of wanting him, I try and justify what he has done and think well the abuse was emotional and mental with a small bit of physical. He was very controlling and if I didnt do what he wanted he would sulk and the more this happened the more he would punish me, leaving the bedroom and sleeping somewhere else, leave the house, go out more, get another woman, tell me to leave the house, take the car off me, moan if my phone went off, tell me everything else is more important than him, tell me to ask how ‘I’ can make it better oh god the list is long I would be here all day.
He even wrote a list of all the problems and my god it was long, my domestic abuse support worker said even if I had done whats on the list there would have another one. So why on earth do I miss all that?
I know its trauma bonding but I need the pain to go away so I can live without him in my head. I also think it must be my ego is now bruised as this latest women seems to have hooked him in good and proper and so why wasnt I good enough, was I too easy to manipulate so I became boring – actually people who us say its because I grew some balls and didnt do as I was told anymore, I wasnt a push over anymore and stood up to him. I stood up to him this time because he had done it again another woman and told me I had to leave. once we started or more to the point I started to get a solicitor involved it really kicked off in an aggressive manner and he said why did you do that I was coming back to you, so I replied if that was the case you would have walked in here sad or calmish and asked me how we can put it right like I have to do but no it all went up in the air. The tactics from there just got worse he went from crying to suicidal to being angry and threatening and lying actually the lying was at its highest, he even told me during a long conversation where he wanted me to to feel sorry for his girlfriend that her dog had died but actually since I left I found out its still alive. Its amazing how they flip from one thing to another.

So please why do I want this in my life and sorry to go on I just needed to get that out

xx

[Falling Skys]

Hi and hugs xx

Being with an abusive partner is all consuming.

I found not being under his tight control scary. Also I will still say I love him because I am conditioned to say that and think that.

I was with my abuser for decades, the being of this year I started to say it was wrong what he was doing to me. Within a short period of time he didn’t want me any more.

I thought be was vile when we were together but its nothing to what he is now.

I wish I had an answer to get over the way we think, but is feel that it a matter of distant and time.

Stay strong xx

[Tamra]

Thank you Falling Skys

I wonder if I love him because in the end I was conditioned to love him and fit for him etc. My friend continually says to me ‘you werent happy and you didnt love him anymore’. Its weird because now Im out I feel like I do but when I was in the house he drove me made with him antics but now I dont have those anymore I miss them as well, my goodness its weird.

My sister asked me name 5 things you love about him and I named one and that was a body part, not a rude one just one I fell for in the beginning, and he can be loving but now not sure if that is fake.

Then she said tell me 5 things you dont like –
1. His controlling
2. His manipulation
3. His other women
4. His sulking
5. His aggression
6. His punishments
7. His abandonment
8. His lying
9. His blaming
10. They way he used sex to get what he wants
11. His stressing
12. When he trapped/pinned me down me and made me cry
oh my goodness I could just go on.

Its very sad really 🙁
xx

[Daisy]

Tamra,
It’s strange how the bad fades quickly leaving the good lingering, to confuse and hurt,
Please keep doing the list exercise that your sister did to remind you of how it really was,
You deserve so much better than living under his exhausting rules and relentless moods,
Hang in there
X x x

[Tamra]

Hi Daisy,

Thank you for your reply. Its been awful today just getting upset at the drop of a hat. I know deep down I wouldn’t be with him anymore. But I think its strange when people say to me dont ever go back this time but I think thats weird when he is with someone else as I dont actually have the choice. I think if him and his latest split I would feel better as then I would feel our relationship wasnt ended because I wasnt good enough to make him happy. Everyone says but he isnt and hasnt ever been happy so how can he possibly ever be happy without some serious therapy or self development. He is so needy its untrue but what if he is finally happy and found his true love, oh god who am I kidding its madness. My friend so what if he is happy the point is you werent happy with him so thank your blessings, its all about my ego being bruised and feeling rejection for me I think

I will keep going but its so hard I need it to stop now
xx

[Falling Skys]

Tarma

Maybe your friends can see that this relationship won’t last and he will want you back, and he will think you will be more comply ant (sorry spelling isn’t my strong point)

Even a bad relationship needs be grieved over, its part of the healing process. Think next year this time we may even laugh at ourselves about the tears we shed xx

Keep up the fight for freedom xx

[Tamra]

Thank you Falling Skys

I had a smile at thinking about laughing about the tears we have shed.

I am defiantly grieving and I do believe that even though its painful I am doing it the right way and not jumping into another relationship or begging him to come back. today has just been a difficult day.

Thank you so much for your support. Its something we all need especially in this area of life as not many people understand what we go though.

Keep smiling and as you say keep up the fight for freedom

xx

[Falling Skys]

Yes you are doing it right, how can we go into another relationship till we know who we are?

I was ask out within a week of him saying he didn’t want us to be together, he told me he had his own business, a large house and his ex didn’t have to work….. I felt that anybody was better than nobody for this man, and within a few weeks my feelings were proven right.

If I ever have another man it will be when I’m ready.

I love this site because unless you have been abused you can’t understand the ramifications and impact it has on you. People try and be supportive but its the look of horror on their face when you tell them something. Or the disbelief on why did he do that for? Here we know its because they can.

I’m glad you realised it was a bad day and we all have them xx Pleased you post no need to go through it on your own xx

[Starlight]

Dear Tamra,
I can understand how you feel about missing your ex. It is very hard and confusing. One the one hand we miss them, as we think about the few good moments. They seem to stay in our memories somehow and the bad memories seem to disappear?!. Then when they manage to manipulate us into having them back, we are instantly reminded of the reason we didn’t work in the first place.
I put it done to unconditional love. That we love the person and will tolerate just about anything they dish out. I know I did.
My ex always had an answer when I said I loved him… He would say.. Do you?? and it was something he used to get me to try and prove that I did and it meant me doing everything and anything to show him.
I know what its like having to think of him with other woman. It makes a mockery of what they claimed they felt for us. I do believe now today, that my ex has never loved me, as no man who truly loves a woman unconditionally would ever treat her this way at all!.
I think we hold on to their love as we are conditioned as Falling Skies mentioned. We get told no one will love us as much as they do, we believe everything they say that is belittling to our characters and in the end, we think less of ourselves as people. This reduces our self worth and we believe we don’t deserve love or are lucky to have them to “love” us.
I have found that since I am now free of him, I am not used to having my own life and free to make my own decisions and it has been hard to change to a new way of thinking. I have ended up on anti depressants, not wanting to live and lost my zest for life. I feel like a failure in every way.
But, I have had lots of time to think over the last few weeks and I am about to get back up, dust myself off and start 2016 as a new book in my life. I am going to make positive steps in all areas of my life. I am going to take my control back and build on my own happiness. So I am studying a new course, got a new dog (she loves me no matter what) and going to make a few new friends (I wasn’t allowed any before). I have moved around the furniture and giving the house a spring clean 🙂
I am ruling off the last chapter and book in my life and starting a whole new book, with new plans, traditions and experiences. It is giving me something to look forward too.

Here is a virtual hug for you. Thinking of you right now. Hang in there Tamra. Everything is going to be alright.

[Healthyarchive]

I can identify so much with what Tamra was going through when she wrote this post. Their relationship, its ending and the aftermath for her is so similar to my situation. I don’t think Tamra is on here anymore. I would be grateful if any women are in the same situation or can also offer any feedback as this would help me. Thank you. X

[Author]

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