Crying and trouble sleeping again

[IndecisiveGirl]

Hi everyone,
I haven’t been on in a while. I think I’ve been just blocking everything and ‘getting on’ with the day to day, trying and failing to pipe down any passing thoughts etc.
I left my fiancé/baby’s Dad quite a few months ago now. We were together quite a few years, and I’ve realised now there were such obvious red flags in the beginning that I neglected.
I feel so stupid. I don’t wish I never met him because I love my baby so much. But I just feel like so many years have been stolen from me. I feel like I’ve messed up my life because I loved him more than myself. My life and career would’ve been on such a more exciting and better path had I ended things early on.
Now I’m laid crying in bed as my baby sleeps in his cot. I’m crying because it frustrates me that I love and miss my fiancé still, I keep dreaming about him, throughout the day I think about endless good and bad memories with him, I even miss sex with him, with confuses me because I haven’t had sex since I was pregnant (detail removed by moderator), and in the end I couldn’t bare for my fiancé to touch me, even for a cuddle.
I’m so upset and so confused by everything. I just can’t seem to process that I’m never going to be with him again, it’s like part of my brain is living in a fantasy that he’s still going to change for me and we’ll get back together and have our little family.
I feel so lost and alone.

 

[Highway61]

Hi, you are not alone. I am looking at the board tonight, unable to sleep, anxious and feeling confused and lost and angry and like I’ve wasted time just as you are. Its reassuring to read how similar our experiences are, as it reaffirms the truth about the abusive relationship. But it doesnt make all those emotional you have described go away. Have you got any counselling to help you talk through and grow from these feelings. All I would say is try to hold onto that feeling of wasted time and turn it into a positive decision, not to waste anymore. This is not the end of your whole life. It will be an opportunity to build the life you want, and you dont want a life with an abusive partner. These things are easy to say, some days I believe them, some days it feels very hard. Let yourself feel the grief but dont act on it. Act on the thoughts that will move you forward and get a really good therapist who understands the complexity of the emotions that you are feeling. He is not going to change but you are right, your brain is still living out a fantasy/trauma bond. Take care of yourself be gentle with yourself x*x

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