Cup of tea? Confused

[Chocolatebunnie]

I’ve seen the police video offering a cup of tea and don’t want to upset anyone with this post but I’m confused.

I think this is the same?

I’ve fallen asleep get told to go bed. I know why.

I get to bed and say I’m so very tired. I aware of the expectations.

I’m still hurt by him not helping me financially the other day for emergency treatment. I don’t want intimacy.

He tries it on so I repeat it so many times but he keeps trying and even during I’m saying I’m too tired. But I can’t say no, stop that seems too, I don’t know? I just can’t. Guess I’m scared to upset him?

In the past he’s called me frigged and so on there’s been moods. Not for a year or so because I give in maybe?

I really don’t know. Feeling confused.

[Lisa]

Hi Chocolatebunnie,

It really sounds like you could benefit from talking these feelings of confusion through with your local domestic abuse service. Being able to talk one-on-one and more in-depth about this can hopefully provide clarity for you, as well as emotional support. They may offer links to counselling or have support groups running too, if this feels appropriate. Being forced, or feeling unable to express not wanting physical intimacy from your partner, is never OK. Please know a domestic abuse worker will listen and understand your situation and can support you both emotionally and practically if you want.

It can also be useful to talk to Rape Crisis. They are a national organisation that operate local centres for women who have experienced any form of sexual abuse. They are contactable now, 24hr a day, via their helpline on 0808 500 2222. They also have a live chat service (available Mon-Fri) through their website.

Take care,

Lisa

[Chocolatebunnie]

Lisa thank you for your kind advice

Cb x

[Watersprite]

The cup of tea thing is talking about consent. If you are too afraid to say no or if you do he won’t stop that’s not consent. There is a world apart from that and a loving partner who respects and values you and your body. Take care x

[Chocolatebunnie]

Waterspite I’m not scared he will hurt me. But I feel obligated and he doesn’t except no, he pressurises but it’s not nasty. Wears me down. If I am firm he shuts down, I guess he’s hurt. That’s the reaction I’m scared of.

I guess body language, saying you’re too tired to a loving partner they would stop and understand.

I have read a little this evening and worrying about blurred lines not making myself clear enough but reading what I have has helped me understand more.

Consent is when you are mutually happy with what’s happening and it would be clear one way of the other if you are happy or not. Persuasion is wrong? And what I said should’ve been enough?

Sorry if this is too much I will get more advice. I have had a difficult few days and have not got any personal space to get in touch with anyone neither can i discuss this topic with anybody close to me. I hope this is ok to post like this and don’t want to offend anyone.

I’ve tried to explore this with professionals before, it’s a very uncomfortable subject and I found it was very uncomfortable for them more than me.

I have found in the past discussing this with a support worker, she didn’t get it or react just listened didn’t say if this was ok or not. This made me feel like I was misreading things and I doubted myself. She seemed awkward.

Another time a counsellor I confided in scared me as she wanted me to report it to police. I couldn’t.

[Eyesopening]

I think many, maybe all of the women on here will understand what your talking about. Had the same confusion, same doubts.
What a shame your professional support was not what you wanted. It’s hard to judge some situations and I think they may not have been fully aware, abuse is specialist subject, the intricacies of sexual abuse is very complex and confusing. Also when we did the freedom program, we all had similar stories. But the women running it didn’t say anything. I think in some ways, would it be helpful for her to say. Thats rape.
Or is it more helpful to say, I’m here for you.. I don’t know. Its hard to label things. But we can all
Agree it’s wrong and we don’t deserve it xx

[Footballfan1]

Hi Chocolatebunnie,

I hear what you are saying.
I see similarities in my situation to yours.
I will not comment on your situation, as each person’s situation is different.

I’m going to outline a few facts I’ve learnt about my previous, decades long relationship, and I wonder if you relate in any way?

It dawned on me that sex was a form of control over me.
He wasn’t sexually aroused.

He wanted it more and more, I said I was too tired, that wasn’t good enough.
He said I had to make an effort.

I begged him to help out with the kids, the house work, food shopping.
He wouldn’t help but demanded sex on tap and couldn’t understand when I said maybe if he helped me with the chores, the kids, that later in the evening I might feel relaxed enough for sex. (I’m also the main earner).

At times, when I’ve been poorly, he still demanded sex.
It didn’t matter how ill I was, how poorly I felt.
I read in your posts that you have recently needed medical treatment.

After having my children, he pushed me into having sex before I was ready.

If you relate to any of this, it is abuse and you are within your rights to get help .

My local domestic abuse team were very helpful.

Xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

I will pluck up the courage to make contact with local support thank you footballfan1 x

[Footballfan1]

Good luck Chocolatebunnie,

Let us know how you get on.
You deserve so much more.

I read somewhere that you think you need to get stronger before you get the courage to leave an abuse relationship, but you need to leave the abusive relationship in order to get stronger.

Everyone on this forum is amazing, strong, courageous, no matter what stage we are at.
Xxxx

[nbumblebee]

Im gonna be honest I didnt understand what a cup of tea meant I actually still dont as i dont want to see the video.
But sweetie my marriage is all about sex its a huge deal to him.
Im sure ive said b4 (detail removed by Moderator).
I believe its a reason why he wont let me work he likes to control everything.
If i say no he gets nasty or goes silent. He sometimes look like a broken man telling me how he feels unloved just so i give in.
He has gotten me drunk so i actually dont remember a thing a d then enjoys telling me all what we did I have been left in pain after. Sex is never nice we dont even kiss or hug.
Its so hard to try and get your head around the consent thing I cant so cant even begin to help you but what i will say is that if in your heart feel its not right if you are made to feel scared hurt degraded then whatever its called it isnt right and you shouldnt have to live that way.
You are learning so much and are doing so well being so brave just keep taking those steps foward sweetie let us know how you get on with reaching out.
Sending hugs stay safe xx

[terribleheadspace]

I wont talk about the relationship I am on here for…. but I remember a time when an ex wanted sex, he kept asking and I told him I didnt want it, he kept asking and I eventually gave in but told him I would not be responsive in any way. He was fine with it and did it. Was a horrible experience.

My current situation I wont comment. But I have a lot to process on the sexual side of things.
More than I realised and that’s hard.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thanks for all the replies, I think a big part of the confusion is not wanting this to then participating and then us being happy again.

It is control. It’s being used and I think sometimes giving in is easier, it’s the only time there’s any kindness. Even then no kisses but a friendlier atmosphere, things are better if you want to call it that.

I’m Struggling now as he’s angry there’s nothing happening so he’s nit picking and generally not nice.

I know it’s because he expects I will then be grateful for any attention that he gives me.

[Fay of the North]

Ive been having similar feelings lately.
I’ve previously just went along with it despite I didn’t really want to. I just didn’t want to upset him, not that he would force me or hurt me but I just wouldn’t want to upset him. I don’t want to be unfair to him and make him sound so bad.

But before when he would be trying with me I would just kiss him back but clearly try to settle myself to sleep. He would go in a huff make side comments and turn around on me. Or one time he stopped during it and was upset and said “(detail removed by Moderator)” and stopped. We haven’t been intimate in a while now. And I feel a bit awkward because now Im planning to leave. And he wants to do something around the festive period maybe go to the restaurant and I don’t want to because it sounds romantic and I don’t want the connotations of it. But then if I don’t go out for dinner and stuff how can I explain it he will know something up and will get angry I don’t do things with him.

I don’t know maybe I just don’t feel comfterbal saying no because I don’t want to make him angry, not really because of how he’s behaved when we were intimate. But because in general in any situation I wouldn’t want to make him angry because of how he reacted in different situations.

[Author]

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