Custody of children

[sunshineLollypops]

I’m out of my abusive relationship for a while. Sorry this is a little dark. I’ve had a breast cancer scare and I’m just really concerned that if I was to die would he get custody?
He is not capable of looking after children on his own, he was very abusive to me and also has an alcohol issue.
What can I put in place so that our children aren’t just left alone with him should the worse happen?

[Marmalade]

Hi SunshineLollypops
So sorry to hear about your health scare. That must be very worrying. I hope things have been sorted out. Sending lots of best wishes for your health.
On the subject of the children, you could make a will which specified who you say you would like your children to live with if you die. To do this, you will need to see a solicitor and have one drafted for you. There are some do it yourself will kits but be very careful here as it is easy to make a mistake and then it is invalid. Much better to have it professionally done.
The will shows your wishes but they won’t necessarily be followed after death I think if your ex applies for custody. You need to ask a solicitor about this as they can advise you about what would be likely to happen. Does he have parental responsibility and do the children have contact with him? If so, if he applies for custody, it may be that the children go to him as the surviving parent with parental responsibility, even if that is not what your will says. It may have to be proved that he is unfit. You will need legal advice to check on this and what would be likely to happen and what you can do.
Also a lot may depend on how old your children are. If they are older teenagers then they can express their own views about where they want to live and the court would give weight to those views.
Hopefully this never comes to pass and you remain healthy. Sending lots of good luck and a big hug x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi sunshineLollypops

This is something that runs through every woman’s mind when they have an abusive ex. Not too dark, and something that needs serious consideration. My heart goes out to you having to face your diagnosis also and having to be faced with such stark decisions at this point. All the very best for your success in treatment and getting plenty of support for yourself too, and your children worrying about their mum.

Some of it is purely legal, and you would need to take legal advice, but its also dependent upon what arrangements are in place currently, and whether there was court intervention to put custody with solely yourself. You also need to put your wishes in a will. Is there someone who would step in should something happen to you, someone prepared to take your children in that the children know ideally and feel comfortable with. I’ve had to do this and its a huge reassurance knowing that someone can step in should the worst happen to their mother. Any will would also need to set out your clear instructions about any of your property and belongings.

There might be some services around you in your current situation that could support you through this bit of a minefield. I am thinking about the likes of McMillan nurses and so on, that you would get support and a referral to other agencies that they are used to passing people over to.

Thinking of you and hoping that you can find some peace of mind around this. Rights of Women are an organisation that I’m sure would be able to provide free legal advice, if you can persist and get through on their lines. They only run at certain times of day on particular days, and only when they have sufficient staff to cover the lines for those times/days.

warmest wishes

ts

[Mellow]

Hi I’m in middle of drafting a will and I hope this dosent come to a shock but they can say your wishes but as far as he’s on birth certificate he can basically do what he wants and take the person you have nominated to court for kids to court but as I said you can express in your will why you don’t want him to look after kids.and courts will take you wish into consideration also as someone who has dealt with wills in the past will kits are no good you need to use a proper solicitor as they don’t really look at them legally it is a big step making a will I won’t lie because you have to explain why you don’t want him involved before they do it they need an understanding of your situation but what I did as I struggled to explain due to the embarrassment I wrote everything down and showed it her as my situation regarding exs and kids is very complex having children with different exs and all being abusive and on birth certificate

[StrongLife]

Hi there,

Sorry for all you have gone through with your health and continue to go through.

I would see lawyer on this one.

I’ve often wondered this myself.

[sunshineLollypops]

Thank you for your kind replies.

Waiting for biopsy results and strangely this feels easier to deal with than leaving someone who is abusing you!!

He sees the children about (detailed removed by Moderator) month for a few hours only and not over night.

He was removed from our house by the police so there is a record but I withdrew all charges as at the time I felt that was the safest option.
I wrote down what he was doing to my on my phone as I couldn’t say it out loud and the police officer took a photo and urged me to press charges.

We had social services involved for the first (detailed removed by Moderator) months so there is a record.

I think I need to get a will in place.

[Marmalade]

Sort out a will as that will make you feel more comfortable.
Apart from that concentrate on you. Lots of self care.
I hope you have a good support network of family and friends.
I hope the biopsy results are clear. It must be such a worrying time for you, so thinking of you and sending a hug.

[Author]

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