Custody question

[Snowflakes]

I’m still living in an abusuve relationship at present.
One of my main concerns about leaving is the children.
He would definitely want the kids, and would try to say I couldn’t cope looking after them by myself. He’s been violent towards them both, smacking shoving clipping around the head. I have photos but haven’t reported to gp or child protection.
The kids would probably choose to stay with him too if given the choice. They get fed up upset and cross with him when he’s nasty but they have great fun with him other times (mostly when he’s acting childish and irrespobsibily!).
I’m not 100% sure I’d feel happy they are safe with him but couldn’t prove it. It really upsets be seeing the children growing up thinking this is how husbands are allowed to treat their wives. And seeing them being so criticised, put down, picked on when they make a mistake. It is affecting their confidence. But if custody is 50/50 then wouldn’t they be worse off if they were with him unsupervised. That would make me stay together for the children’s sakes if they’d be worse off.
Any advice???
Thank you

[Falling Skys]

Hi Snowflake

Now is the time to act, long all incidents, taking pictures and hand write if safe (digital documents can be changed)

Also talk to Woman Aid find your rights, my doctors have been great too.

Our silence for the sake of our families protect our abusers and give them power.

I stay with my abuser my daughter goes from one abusive relationship to another, my son is as abusive as his father.

I did all the wrong things for all the right reasons. I am now getting out but I have lost my children because he has twisted them against me.

It is very scary to break free as we have been conditioned to believe we are useless when in reality we are stronger than we will ever know.

Also be careful, they can before more violent when they realise they are losing control.

Keep Posting

FS xx

[Tuppance]

This is do similar to he. I stay because of the children. I know my son is 50/50 as he loves how happy and relaxed we are when he goes away but my husband is intimidating and controlling and my joy would never stand up to him. My girl is s daddy’s girl because he , like yours, has the fun time whilst I am either house working, cooking, cleaning it too stressed or tired to relax. If someone could guarantee me my kids would eventually see the light and return to me I would be out of here like a shot. He has said they epuld pick him and s long time ago he said I would never win . It’s so scary taking that chance that in finding my freedom and trying to find my old self and be happy that I could potentially cause the most damaging harm to my kids and their relationship with me. I would take ten years of his hell over 1 year without my babies. It is so so hard. I fully understand your pain xx

[Tuppance]

Sorry / lots of spelling mistakes x

[godschild]

Snowflakes, i have no experience of this but i have read lot of posts that show that the family courtd are not very just at all, and the Men will lie and say you are mentally ill or unfit to get their way or to punish you for leaving them
Often things can get a lot worse and they turn nasty once they realise you are leaving them and they will lie and fight you every step of the way.
Can really associate with the childish , irresponsable behavoir , hope those with more experience will be able to advise you xx

[Suntree]

I wish I had left mine and took my kids as far away from him as I possibly could then let the battle begin.
I wish I left when they were younger a lot lot younger when he wanted nothing to do with them.
He thought and made it such if he had the kids he would be sitting pretty. I would have to pay for him to stay in the house, he had it so that babysitters and childcare would look after them. Basically he was looking at them and me to fund his life style and as such he went for full custody of them and a campaign I was an unfit mother, but to be fair to them and me I could get to see them every weekend.
Nothing if you really looked at what he said added up, but all people wanted to see was he was a father who wanted to have his kids full time (sun shines out of his backside) I must be an unfit mother (has to prove I am nothing of the sort) but still not believed because it wasn’t what the “professionals” wanted and were building the case for.
As such the court order joint custody with main part to me (this was very important).
But staying was going to be worse for the kids and me.
I could away from him start building a new life and showing the kids a stable, loving home with proper boundaries. I could start involving them in activities where there were descent people especially men and other children so they could learn what normal behavour was in a fun and safe place.
They have had play therapy.
I could take them on holiday.

For somethings I have had to wait far too long to change because I had to wait for him to go back to court to, prove that I was all along the fit mother and he was the one who lied, get the arrangement changed to full custody to me and contact to him.
He has now all but gone, I should go back to court again to chance the access and ask for other bits, but right now to do that will probably means he will come back into our lives and I don’t want that.

Was it hell leaving, yes, did I and the kids go through hell, yes.
Did I stay far too long before leaving yes.
I was scared for years I couldn’t cope, he made sure I was that way, I couldn’t believe even my supportive professional’s I could cope.

Did to get to this place take years, yes. Do I know at some point he will be back yes, I will deal with that the best I can and hope I have given my kids enough tools and insight for them to see through the manipulation to the real him.

Are my kids still suffering, yes but not like they were and their future is brighter

In the end I left, I wish I had done it sooner know what I know.
I am thankful everyday I left.
My kids are normal kids now rather than considered problem children with behavour difficulties.
They sing in the house.
They are learning and maturing into the wonderful people I knew they are.
They don’t have as many emotional big swings from high to complete lows.

I just try to remember I did the best I could as I could and each and everyday I am still doing it.

Whichever way you turn when you have children shared with and abuser it is not an easy path.

It got to the point in order to protect them I had to take the chance of losing them.

Mine were still young enough that he had to look after them or get others too when they were in his care. That in the end became too much of an issue for him and I followed the order as closely as I could, but that’s another post.

[KIP.]

Snowflakes, are you keeping a secret journal. Take photos of any injuries and secretly record his behaviour. At least then you will have evidence of his behaviour. Tell your GP of the mental effect. Get her to log it. All this will help prove his lies if need be x

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