Cut all contact but it feels like the worse decision.. I feel worse for it

[NeedANewMe]

I managed to sell my house and buy one hundreds of miles away and he still has no clue I’ve left.. the day was fast approaching and I used every excuse in the book that would normally cause an argument didn’t! I felt so stuck everything was moving the completion date was approaching and no trick in the book was working I just needed his stuff out the house, if it wasn’t for his things I would have just left without an explanation. When Boris announced a lockdown I said I need to stay (detail removed by moderator) and he said well it’s our relationship or her and I said I need to stay with her.. he asked to collect get his things, was supposed to meet halfway and he ended up (detail removed by moderator), followed me in grab all his stuff had a moment with me and left… I drove off as though I was going back to (detail removed y moderator), I waited a couple of hours and then spent every hour through the night to pack up the house. I worked around the clock and had everything packed up in 48hours stopping when I knew he’d be finishing work and hid the car.. I was on my way to my new home and (detail removed by moderator) after the split he messaged me.. I can’t tell you how terrible and guilty I felt and I still feel it now. I gave into his messages through various forms of communication a couple of weeks in he apologised listened recognised his faults and was saying everything I wanted him to in the few years we were together. I felt so guilty I was hiding this lie from him, he thinks I’m at my (detail removed by moderator) and I’ve setup a new home. A (detail removed by moderator) into texting and things being good He started asking me to call him then my anxiety started… he would go through stages I’ve been fine lovely talking about our future to blaming me and punishing me in his own way making me feel guilty saying he doesn’t know where he stands I won’t even talk to him he can’t do this anymore, it was draining on texts as we’d be going back and forth every day or every few hours.. he’d go depressed and low making me feel bad that his lonely. Honestly if I wasn’t living here and still at my aunties and had my home I would 1000% be back there now. A (detail removed by moderator) on one of his low moods again he said I have till tomorrow afternoon to call him otherwise I’ve made it clear how I feel. Said in a few months time you will see me happy with someone else and then you’d think I wish I had of phoned. But if I phoned then it would of been FaceTime and that’s impossible with my situation. The deadline didn’t happen he kept calling and calling I kept declining.. why won’t you call me answer please I need to talk to you I have no one to talk to I’m home alone I really need you I need to let out how I’m feeling. Then I had the suicide text with a photo of pills on a table… I switched my phone off and changed my number I’ve had no contact since. To say I’m struggling is an understatement I feel so guilty for my actions and for cutting contact when he sent me that image.. his posting things on social media which I’m asking a friend to keep an eye out and I’m seeing girls liking his posts or photos his started with the I feel worthless posts so people feel for him. This one girl has liked his photo and his post he’d liked a couple of hers and now my head is thinking all sorts that there talking and she’s a complete stranger.. just adds random girls! But she is very pretty and some of my features, I just feel worthless and ugly and feel like nothing to him even though last week when he was opening up to me he said I take you for granted and I shouldn’t your the love of my life I only want you, life isn’t worth living unless your in it.. now this. The new one is a music video of a song he used to sing to me… guess his put it up knowing I’ll be looking from someone else’s account because I’m not on any social media. I just don’t like the idea of him being with someone else.. it’s destroying me.

[Empoweredhealing]

Hi, It sounds like you are going through the withdrawal from a toxic relationship. It’s a form of addiction. The mental anguish, rumination, obsession is due to a psychological and neuro chemical dependence.
And from your description of his behavior, he was doing a lot of the push and pull tactic. It’s very effective in keeping you addicted to the pleasure and pain of the relationship.
Do you have support where you are living now? This is where a therapist, a good friend, family, support group really help. But also a good meditation, journaling, exercise practice is essential too.
I’m sorry you are going through this. But I don’t think any of us can be free until we have truly gone through the agony of this withdrawal.
I do have to say that how you got away is so impressive. That must have been very difficult.
You CAN do this. You have physically escaped. Now, you’ll have to do the hard work of freeing your mind too.

[NeedANewMe]

Hi There,

Thank you for your reply. I have no idea how I did it to be honest you think it’s impressive but I feel like I’ve stooped to his level and been really shady and sneaky also lying. I did it by having paperwork going to another address, I was doing things when he was at work or nights I knew I had to myself. Most communication about the house was through email and the estate agents were fantastic. My (detail removed by moderator) which is why I moved as they used to be close, so when buying and looking for a house I would say I was (detail removed by moderator). I moved things around the house into different places if he never noticed I’d box it up and move it out. He also had (detail removed by moderator) pretty much all the time so stuff in the garden and garage I was able to do hoping he’d never look. It was stressful and trying to keep the piece and situation under control was hard. The last few months were intense, very draining constantly telling me he wasn’t happy wanted to leave, he’d never be the one to leave me so he’d stay in this relationship feeling like this. He’d threatened to pack his things up and I’d chase him as my anxiety would kick in. He has got angry a few time smashed things damaged things all I was worried about was the house that had been sold. But for some reason he seems to be acting completely different this time usually it’s new clothes Facebook profiles trying to build up his ego.. but this time I didn’t chase and go running, when he responded I ignored for a couple of weeks but then caved. But then I told him where I stood. For the first time he listened recognised his faults and apologised and wanted to be the better man. Said his mom had helped him to understand he should support me not walk away.. so this why I’m confused because his acting different.. can he change??? Because I’d love to be with this guy he was absolutely lovely when we met I was head over heels…

I have counsellor but that’s coming to an end, I have tried applying for the freedom programme in my new home town just a bit hard with lockdown. I have my aunties I call everyday to just get it off my chest.. my other family members are to black and white they just want me out and away. They think his an a*s end of.. when I say I’m struggling it’s just forget about him new start new you get the old person back move forward. But seriously it’s like having withdrawal I’ve never not had contact with him. I really want to call I feel like the worse person ever. I broke down on the phone to my auntie this evening and she keeps saying I promise you he won’t change and tries to help go over the bad times…

Just seems like I keep getting idiots I had a hard time with being in a relationship for all of my younger years, wedding booked and then he cheated. I had a couple of years break and met this guy and now I’ve had a few years of this. I worry that time isn’t on my side my parents will be too old and won’t see my kids, I don’t want to start again I so badly just want a relationship and kids and marriage. I look at what my parents have and how long they’ve been together and my siblings whom have been with their partners since college age. Why me!!!! What do I do wrong? Why do lads take advantage? I think there is no way this lad would be able to pull the eyes over a confident outgoing bubbly girl.. they’d probably say on your bike do one mate.. where I was vulnerable and soft too nice for my own good?? Sorry I don’t mean to offend anyone here it’s just the worry and ideas that go through my head. His made me very paranoid of women with the constant cheating comments or the many options he has available I just feel worthless, why doesn’t he want me but then in another breathe he does want me life wouldn’t complete without me… but then what’s he doing now?? Realising that this time it’s over for good and I’m not going to chase? Panicking about no contact and not seeing me again? Panicking his lost me? Has it finally hit home? Xx

[gettingtired]

Hey, I understand how you feel about worrying if you don’t have children sooner rather than later that your parents will miss out etc. I’m in my (detail removed by moderator) and often despair at not having my life more settled down and ‘adult’. I’m still with him but I just know I couldn’t have children with him. I don’t even know if I definitely do want them at all but I’d like to still have the choice and not waste another ten years and then it’s too late!
With regards to thinking of other women who are more confident etc and who wouldn’t end up like this. There’s a great book I’m reading at the moment by Don Hennessy called How he gets into her head and he explains how there’s nothing different to the woman who ends up with an abusive man to the one who ends up with a non abusive man. It’s them not us, we were targeted by them. Also, Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft explains how abusers will target all types of women; ones who are in more powerful careers, more extroverted etc. Not just the timid little mouse woman that society often tells us is the one who gets abused. These men target all types of women so please don’t blame yourself.
With regards to children, Lundy also explains in the book that if you don’t have children with your abuser already then to keep it that way. Having children won’t change them, if anything things just get worse.
If you haven’t read any books on abuse then I’d really recommend them, especially the Lundy book. Xx

[KIP.]

These men don’t change. Maybe change tactic to hook you back in. All he’s interested in is continuing his abuse because that’s what makes him feel good. That’s what gets him what he wants. These men will often hook you back in just to have the final discard which is their anger and ego. At the moment you have that power, if you contact him, you’re handing him back the power to,hurt you again. The man you met in the beginning isn’t real. That’s the mask he wore to hook you in, once you were hooked the mask the slowly slips. This is a kind of withdrawal. He’s programmed you and brainwashed you into needing him for your own validation. You do not. The Freedom Programme can be done online. This stage is really difficult when your mind is racing, doubting thoughts, he’s wrecked your self confidence and self esteem with his mind games involving other women etc. Try writing a journal of all the abuse and your daily thoughts. Write down three positive things a day to keep your mind positive. Just know you won’t always feel this way and it’s not your fault. He left you no choice but to leave in secret. He’s shown you his true colours, believe him x meantime be very kind to yourself. You can learn from this experience. It might not feel,like it just now but no experience is wasted if we learn from it x

[NeedANewMe]

Hi GettingTired and KIP

Gettingtired – Your name is how i felt the last few months knowing every weekend would be draining as i knew something would be said that would cause an argument or a problem that really wasn’t needed. A pointless conversation… always have to go into these deep chats and conversations which escalate and then you feel pressured to just say what he wants to here.

Thank you both for your replies.

I was (detail removed by moderator) when i met him but I’ve now hit (detail removed by moderator)…. my (detail removed by moderator) was a write off and now i wish i was back in my 20’s where i feel like i’d have more time on my side. He tells me that i’ll end up wasting more years with other relationships or spend ages finding my next partner that i’ll be old when i have kids and my parents and family wont be around to see them grow up.

I have tried calling a centre where I now live today to see what support they can offer me, apparently there is a really long list for the programme.. I just can’t see an end to this, i am pining and caving him.. I miss him and forget about the bad things. I try to think of how I felt when I was with him, how I used to try and get out to fetch food all the time so I could phone a family member or a friend and rant everything out. I used to lie awake in bed till stupid hours of a morning whilst he was fast asleep thinking how to leave in my head how i can’t stand being around him with how he is with me how its draining and tiring repetitive to say the least.

I have started to read the Lundy book online.. my problem is i start to think hmm his not like this, he doesn’t do this and then i start to talk myself out of it. I can’t get out of my head someone else having him and him talking to others, what is he doing today. After all his said to me in the last couple of weeks I’ve allowed contact and his completely different recognising his faults and listening to me.. I did hold back on bringing up a few things but he brought them up instead. He has improved over the years with a few things i call insecurities but others would call controlling behaviour.

Honestly I hate decisions and choices… If it wasn’t for me reading these comments about him not changing or my auntie telling me he wouldn’t change I’d be contacting him now to see if he will change or will go get help.. the only thing holding me back is the doubt in my head in wont change from the comments I’ve heard..

I really hope you get out, I thought this time i was ready for it i’ll be fine but that wasn’t the case. I was ready physically for the new life just not ready emotionally or mentally to be without him. I think because i was occupied it was keeping me going now I have lost motivation and sitting here working it all out in my head, over thinking everything

xx

[Empoweredhealing]

Society pressure of marriage and kids leave a lot of women vulnerable to abusers. Often, we see the red flags really early but we ignore them. We gaslight ourselves because we are “supposed” to be in a relationship, be married or have kids by a certain age.

The illusion of change is very powerful too. From what you describe, his behavior are not mistakes. They are a pattern born out of a deep sense of entitlement, selfishness, lack of empathy, self centeredness, lack of insight. They cannot be changed easily. If he was to attempt to change, it would take extraordinary effort and a lifetime of work. Currently, what you are hearing from him are shallow apologies and superficial promises.

At this stage, your psychological pain is so great and his promises sound so good, that you are at the greatest danger of going back. You can make it out of this by leaning on people who can tell you the truth. Try to stay in the reality of the pain of the relationship rather than the fantasy that he has changed.

Honestly, you have done so so well! How you physically escaped should be in text books to help other women do the same. You can get through this emotional hardship too. Just know that the anguish you are feeling now is the result of being entangled in an unhealthy relationship with an unhealthy person. Healthy relationships do not feel like this.

[Author]

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