Cutting contact with my children

[Makingmychildrenproud]

Hi everyone,

I’m relatively new to this site and I’m not exactly sure what I’m asking, but I have this problem and I can’t quite seem to resolve it.

My husband became abusive and dangerous towards me and my children, and I packed them up and ran one night. Since then, I have facilitated him to be able to see them in (detail removed by Moderator) with me being present, but he seems to use that time to verbally abuse me, and I’m deeply concerned about the impact that this has on our two children. He has gotten worse with this and is now also stalking – coming to my office, coming to the (detail removed by Moderator) near my house and waiting there, and coming to my house and knocking on the front door or peering through the windows. I’ve also had some suspicious flat tyres.

I’m trying to locate the courage to simply stop the (detail removed by Moderator) sessions. I would like to avoid going through the courts for custody if I can, and I am semi-convinced that he is actually just interested in harassing me rather than actually seeing the children.

Can anybody share any advice of any kind on how to work up the courage to simply say we are no longer seeing you because of your behaviour? And I guess that we can reassess at a time in the future that feels appropriate?

Has anyone any experience in this? How did it work out?

I’ve spoken to lawyers, I’ve spoken to women’s aid, and domestic violence, assist that specialise in non-molestation orders. I’ve also spoken to my therapist, and a children’s therapist, no one can make the decision for me, but it feels like I just need to locate the courage to do this, and the only reason I haven’t so far is I’m too scared about what he might do next. I can always then reinstate the catch ups, and it will be an incentive for him to behave in front of the children, or if he continues to show that he can’t, then I cut contact again. (detail removed by Moderator), but I absolutely hate the idea of a contact centre or an independent social worker because the children will be scared of not being with me. I would like to avoid this, however as it’s a very expensive exercise with a lot of stress, and my instinct is he won’t want to do this either.

Any advice of any kind is really appreciated, I’m trying to protect my children who are (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator), and have already been through a lot in their little lives, and I don’t want to look back on this and regret the way I managed it.

[Bananaboat]

How awful for you all, have you spoken to your local social services / mash team? Would you allow him to see the kids in a supervised setting where you weren’t the one supervising – either a contact centre or with another friend/relative? I know social services seem scary but my local team were very supportive when I needed and nothing was forced on me. You sound like a great mum so please don’t worry about the kids being taken away or anything like that.

If you’re not already, then make sure you keep a log of all the times you find him basically stalking you and report to the police.

I absolutely hear you when you wish someone else could make the decision, then we wouldn’t be the ‘bad guy’ and I think that fear keeps me trying to maintain contact too rather than pulling it as he’s worse than bare minimum, but we have to put our kids first and it sounds like you’ve really looked into your options xx

[Makingmychildrenproud]

Thank you – I called police today and they were brilliant. They recommended arresting him! I asked them not to and they said ok but they said next time it’s out of their hands.

I would love to hear from others that have had stalking.

[StrongLife]

Please be careful and get legal help on this. Things can get very bad very quickly.

Domestic violence counsellor locally (if you are not already seeing one) can help.

[Author]

Posts