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It began last night again. I have not thought about it for a very long time. But last night I already had a knife in my hand. It was so hard not to do it. I ate till I felt like bursting but this did not take these thoughts away as it usually does. And today these thoughts still do not go away. It costs me all my strength not to do it. I do not know how long I can hold myself back from not doing it.
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Ayanna i so feel your pain iam the same i want the hurt to stop i cant take no more . Its too intense. My whole body aches. Hugs hun x
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I used to burn myself instead of cutting. I have not done it for a long time because I realize that when I feel tremendously overwhelmed and in a lot of emotional or psychological pain burning myself was a way of coping and feeling like I had some control over my life. When I am in a lot of pain and think of burning myself I realize its a defense mechanism and I do not allow myself to take action on the thoughts. My counselor helped me to try positive self-talk. So, I tell myself this- its not easy to deal with this pain I cannot handle it. It is ok I know you are scared and feel overwhelmed. I feel your pain its really hard to deal with and I am not sure how to process it. Be patient things will get better.
You are a thoughtful, caring, gentle, compassionate lady and it is ok to focus on one day at a time and one step at a time in your healing. Please look up the book “Women who self-harm” I cannot remember the author yet when I read it a few years ago it helped. The author also gives coping skills to not self-harm and why we do it.
My heart goes out to you and I understand its not easy and the emotional and mental pain so raw and intense. You will get through this- be patient and kind to yourself. I hope you have a good therapist to help you on your journey towards healing. Take care. -
I am so glad it is not only me. Sometimes I think I am about to go crazy because I do not know what to do with my upset emotions. I go to the park and scream and that helps, but not always. Overeating helps most of the time.
Recently I have become so overwhelmed because the disability that I have from the abuse just smashes me.
Not sure how long I can hold it together anymore.I was refused counselling because I am from a different ethnicity and I have drug incompatibilities that prevent me from tolerating most drugs, they would turn me straight into an addict and I get all the side effects too. The NHS mental health service hates women like me and they refuse to even listen to me.
I have several chronic illnesses that are so bad since the abuse and I have to pay the treatment for those because the NHS cannot help me with those either. I am at a loss. -
I hope that you are feeling stronger today, Ayanna.
Sometimes, things can appear so bad that we might feel low enough to contemplate self-harming. But how I look at it is, our abusers have caused us so much pain already- it would be a tragedy to add to it. I hope that you are feeling stronger today.
Keep on concentrating on those small things that give you joy- your friendly neighbourhood cat who comes to visit, autumn leaves…try to get these abusers out of your head for at least some periods in the day.
Hugs X
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Hi Ayanna, I feel the same way. I’m feeling helpless to prevent him getting to me, I’ve allowed too much transgression of boundaries which is often a trigger for me. I feel too low and tired to offer much help but you’re not alone. Try not to feel bad for doing this, we cope however we need to ((hugs)) xx
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Oh Ayanna it upset me so much to read this. That you can hurt so much that you want to hurt more?? Please, Please do not give him that power. He should hurt you no more. It would be as if he was holding the blade, essentially. Please don’t give him that power? I so hope you have a. Ether day today x*x
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I’ve felt like cutting over recent weeks, especially when the ex launched an email tirade over certain finances that made me feel exactly how I did when we were together.
It’s like an itch that needs to be scratched.
I try to keep my hands busy until the worst of the compulsion passes. I’m currently 1/4 of the way through a hand sewn quilt! -
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I’m sure you and others reading this already know this but if you need to self harm you can try …
Snap an elastic band on your wrist, that also helps you to feel alive, less numb
Use red kids face paint or red lipstick and use that on your self
Get a couple of ice cubes and hold / squeeze them to feel the burn in your hands
Draw a figure on a piece of paper and scribble crazily in red pen over it
Punch pillows etc
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Dear All,
Ayanna and Peaceful Pig, you have been so brave in posting and sharing your feelings.
Thank you all for your kind responses, which show that many survivors use self-harm as a form of coping mechanism or for other reasons that are individual to you. Thank you to those who have posted self-help ideas of how to try to cope when the urge is overwhelming.
Whilst I am pleased that you feel able to share your experiences on the forum, I am conscious that we are not a specialist service that can provide support regarding self-harm. Therefore I want to highlight the following services. Both websites have a lot of information regarding how to try to prevent self-harm and taking care of yourself if you do.
-The Self Injury Support website here.
They also run the CASS Women’s Self-Injury Helpline on 0808 800 8088.-SelfharmUK, which has links to lots of helpful resources on their website here.
Kind Regards,
Lisa
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