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Hello all,
Im so sorry to write again, I know I have posted a fair few times and have been so back and forth and i can see how my husband gets frustrated with me as being so double minded must be exhausting but i just cant quite seem to get a hold of things and when I think i have grasped its abuse get out now i seem to think oh “but…”
I have been thinking a lot lately, a lot. I have come off my anti depressants I have felt a surge in getting a grip on things. I have started to literally have a massive spring clean , so many trips to the tip everything is going. I need to get rid of it all, get it so simplified here that i dont know perhaps would be so much easier to pack or to what ever . In the process of all this deep cleansing the house,, the last few weeks he has not been violent, in the sense of hitting me. He actually was very loving , albeit horrific with sex but i have solved that by going back into kids bedroom at night so it eliminates the wake up things etc. However this week things have been very different things seem to be brewing , he is annoyed with me but then when questioned its cus hes had a bad day or is in pain etc. and i thought oh is this the cycle of abuse etc yet when thinking about it , how do we know if its cycle of abuse or if it is simply that he messes up , tries hard not to, then fails but then tries again?
I would hate to not give him more chances when I know I have been given many when growing up with my family etc and in past …
sorry again, and thank you if you have read this far in my waffle x
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dont be sorry, youre not harsh just saying what you feel.
im just scared that not trying hard enough would come back and haunt me if i havent given it my all. i dont know .. x*x -
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I know Dee down “I” will never change him but I know that the last (Detail removed by Moderator) years he really has changed. I feel a fraud because I didn’t marry someone I thought was lovely. I met someone who was physically violent ( more so then) that gave me relief anc I thought was a good thing. He was so sexually different to my ex who I know raped me who I had reported him and his friend etc. He was different because he smiled when having sex I thought was love. But I also thought he was honest cus he didn’t hide his anger he threw the chair over head and and strangled me in first year. He pushed me down when pregnant and I think oh good cus at least he’s not hiding it behind sex. But .
Big but.
Now I find the sex actually more invasive. He wants me to relive it all for gratification and there’s less physical violence. But I’m bavk where I was when I was (Detail removed by Moderator) again so this is my doubt because he wasn’t like that to begin with but has morphed into the same as my horrible horrible ex. That I think is it genuinely how I turn people… or if it’d a cycle of a different thing that he tries to please. Maybe he’s jealous of the impact my ex had , I wish my head didn’t think so much but all I think is that it’s either I’m with him or I just disappear
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Dear Anonon
Please no need to say sorry, and welcome back,its good to hear how you are getting on.
S sad his manipulations having such horrible effect on you.
It is a result of the abuse that you find yourself having to think so very hard and worr so very much about giving him every single last chance. I just wwant to say something for you to consider, that people do split up just because they are unhappy in a relationship, and that’s OK, there doesn’t have to be abuse, but you have suffered such levels of violence and violation that just because it’s less now, that might seem to be OK. But the only thing that’s OK is zero abuse. Whatever role your vast kindnesses to him have played in any improvements he has or hasn’t made can just be your gift to him, you have no need to f3l guilt or loyalty for this. You have already lost enorous energies on him and suffered enough at his hands.
Know you are worth so much more than this, and just need time away from his (Detail removed by Moderator) to see it all better.
Gift this to yourself, and walk away without doubts and a clean slate. You’ve done more than your share love and its time to call time.
Warmest wishes ts
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It’s also common for perpetrators to find out andnuse previous abuses against us. I really believe that they must think someone else already got away with ‘x’ so I’ll do that.
Certainly my ex has copycat’d soany things that he knew had intimidated, hurt or scared me in the past.
It’s not you, it IS him
X
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Thank you twisted sister for replying. It really feels like he is copying other behaviour and it makes me feel physically sick that he would . For him to copy things that initially brought us together because he comforted me and made me feel strong about things really makes me feel so red faced . My parents were once over (Detail removed by Moderator) hours away and without being specific are now literally on doorstep. I’m no longer “ isolated”
But they think he’s amazing. (Detail removed by Moderator) so now I actually worse argh I’m waffling sorry -
He’s your abuser, who cares what he is to anyone else, I really don’t…it just goes to show you what a master manipulater he is, doesn’t it. Try not to be to specific here. People outside mostly dontsee who they really are, because that don’t care about the power and control over them. It’s within the ‘safety’ and ‘protection’ of an intimate relationships where it thrives.
I took the blame for a lot of abuse until I tgought, hang on a minute he doesn’t treat anyone else like this! He IS in control, totally.
You need to believe in yourself, believe in how it makes you feel, at the end of the day it’s the only thing that matters.
Warmest wishes ts
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He can be many things to many different people. He owes you nothing and if he leaves the job as a result then that shows who he is too, as that’s a spiteful and nasty thing to do, then that will see who he is, and if they blame you for this, then stay away from them too. Your brain and mind it of utmost importance, mine has pretty much gone down the drain, save yours and listen to you.
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