Cycled back around again

[Sad and alone]

So after things seeming to improve for a bit it’s back to the same again. Feeling criticised all the time, being made to feel worthless. Being told I have to change. So sad as I just want a husband that loves me for who I am and not make me feel like my whole life has been a waste of time.

Had a massive row. I try so hard to just be quiet, knowing what’s being said isn’t true, let it pass, and carry on. But I get to the point where I can’t take it anymore and have to respond and then it all goes wrong as I’ve dared disagree with what’s being said about me.
I’ve said to him I am sad that my husband has no good thing to say about me. Why am I here? If I’ve been such a useless entity for our whole lives. I said it’s not fair to get zero affection or care or love from him. Makes me so sad. Tired of being moaned at or scowled at. Of being criticised. Of trying to please him and it still not being right. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just over-sensitive? Am I taking things the wrong way? All couples have disagreements right?! I don’t know. I feel so sad. My Mum and Dad have both passed away and I miss them so much. I imagine how angry they’d be about my situation or how I’m being made to feel. I imagine them looking down on me and feeling helpless because they can’t do anything for me. If there was a guarantee I’d see them again in a next life or something I’d just go. I miss them so and feel like I have nothing else. No one else that cares about me. I hate feeling this way, and I hate the cycle. Getting sucked into the normality of a semi-decent relationship and then all of a sudden it’s all bad again. It’s tiring.

[Caledonia6]

Hi, I can imagine it must be hard no longer having your parents around. I think a lot of women in our situation feel very lonely. I no longer have any friends they chose to distance themselves as they think I should leave my husband . I look at that as being on them not me.
Have you thought of having some counselling sessions ? I’ve found them to be very helpful. Maybe have a chat with your GP (I’m going tomorrow)
It’s a vicious cycle that is very hard to get out of. It’s all about power and it leaves us feeling worthless and doubting our own sanity.
Keep telling yourself there’s nothing wrong with you it’s all on him.
Take care

[Broadbodiedchaser]

The cycles were why I eventually chose to leave, after many, many years. You must be kind to yourself and recognise how brave you are being. It takes tremendous strength to “take” the cycle of verbal insults followed by the lovebombing that made us
think we made a mistake. It’s emotionally draining amd questions our sense of reality. Counselling helped me, but you should find the ‘right’ counsellor for you. I wasn’t comfortable with my first. You will need to decide if you want to continue this cycle or start to take steps to leave. Best of luck. Having an awareness of the cycles is important. It helps to keep a diary to remind yourself and spot patterns of behaviour.

[Sad and alone]

I’ve tried keeping a diary but I only seem to write bad stuff in it and I felt that wasn’t right. It’s just a catalogue of things that have upset me, I’m not writing in anything good. I don’t record “normal” days, it’s only when I’ve been upset. So I didn’t really know if that was a good exercise as it were.
I don’t know about counselling. It sounds good to talk to someone but it means I have to admit to someone I feel this way. I can’t imagine talking to my GP about it. Talking about it makes it real I guess?
We have outside pressures as well which don’t help as it causes stress. But then he takes it out on me, says I don’t help and it’s all on him to deal with stuff. It’s hard because we agree about things but can’t seem to work together. He wants me to do the things he does instead of seeing he is better at some things and I am better at others and together we make a team. He wants me to “change” and start doing things he does. Just exhausted with it all, being told I am this or that and trying to stick up for myself and all the time thinking why as I don’t even know who I am now. I am not the enemy but I get treated that way.

[beachhut]

Morning,

I have not been on the site for many months now have been out of my relationship for a long time but just wanted to send a reply to your post. I know how you feel to have lost your parents the one constant in your life who you could turn to at any time and your Mum would know what to say and your Dad could give a all knowing look to make you feel better, it is hard but I am sure they are looking down on us. As far as keeping a journal is concerned I towards the end decided to keep one, my reference point now I am out that I was not the mad woman he said I was because his behaviour is there written by me in black and white, yes the journal is full of negative posts but any good times I recall are there in my head I never felt the need to make a note of nice days out with friends they are something you remember automatically, so why would I need to write about the odd good day spend with him. I it difficult to realise that you have been living in a toxic environment but by normalising their behaviour we go alone with it for far longer that we really need to. It may seem like it but you are not alone.

[Sad and alone]

I do feel guilty for thinking he’s not a nice person. On one hand he has provided everything for us to be where we are now, but this seems to be part of the control, as in he got us where we are, I didn’t contribute, and I should be grateful, not complain, and be the way he wants me to be. I wanted to change my job years and years ago and was told no, you’re better off staying where you are. I couldn’t do longer hours or overtime as he said I had to be home so the dog wasn’t left alone too long. When that job ended I temped elsewhere. That place created and advertised a full time position based on the hours I could work as they wanted me to stay but I wasn’t allowed to go for it. I think they thought I was plain strange after they went to the trouble of doing it. He insisted I do something at home and it wasn’t a strong area for me so I wasn’t very successful and he would get mad about losing money. Haven’t had a job since. Got told the other day if I want a job I have to give up my animals as I wouldn’t be able to manage both. This is from the same person who says I should be like so and so who has a job and half a dozen kids and looks after their family and whatever else. I’ve rambled on now but it’s like a dual feeling of just being exhausted by the whole thing and then not wanting anyone to think bad of him… or like I don’t want to think bad of him because of all the hard work he put in to get us where we are.
I do miss my parents. I know it’s normal. Like you say for most people they are the ones who never let you down and are there for you. It’s hard not having them but then I think I’d prob be too… embarrassed? ashamed? to tell them. I don’t have close friends I can talk to. I can’t tell my sister or anyone as telling it to someone else makes it real. I mean, what do we do? Just stay in these relationships forever? I think some of us do.

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