Dad still difficult and will never change

[Eve1]

Just wanted to say that realising there is abuse by your parents is far reaching and hard to deal with. Having to speak Dad more now Mum is ill and it’s a terrible trigger for me and I’m sure is contributing to bring physically ill now. I’m sure I did think my abusive ex husband was nothing like him, he looked, sounded and behaved nothing like him. At least in very aware of what abuse is and as hard as it is, I’m understanding about boundaries.

Thank you to this forum for your help.
Eve
x

[Ayanna]

He will not change. He is too old to even accept that he did anything wrong.

My Dad was violent and a dominator, controlling to the max. My mother subdued to him from the start and gave up her identity. He treated her very well, but not us children.

My mother never stood up to him but joined in.

Now I see something really interesting, and nasty as I have become, I feel happy about it and laugh my socks off about how he suffers now.

My mother has a full blown dementia. She never learned anything after she married my father and she never trained her brain.
But this dementia brings out her real self, that she had suppressed all her life. She really stands up to him and she treats him nasty. She tells him off for everything he does. Nothing is right nor good enough. He is desperate, slips into a depression. When I speak to him he sounds so low and so powerless. I have never experienced him like this.
I know, this is Karma.
He was so horrible to me, he beat the sh.. out of me since I was a toddler, he hit me until I had a brain concussion, I was always bruised all over my body during my entire childhood and teenage years.

He gets it now and he deserves it.

[Serenity]

Hi Eve,

Though they are your parents, you owe it to yourself to set up firm boundaries regarding communication, so that your own health doesn’t suffer in the process.

Try to get as many agencies on board as possible, to help you endure your mother receives the care she needs, whilst ensuring that you don’t get pulled in to your father’s abuse.

Your body is telling you to create firm boundaries. You are still fragile following your abusive relationship and you can’t afford to go backwards after you have struggled so much to overcome your trauma.

Hugs X

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hello there. I agree with you there that is karma for you right there. In our families there are many women who have stayed in unhappy marriages and are pushed around like they have no mind of their own or they do not have the ability to think of anything useful. But, you treat someone bad I can guarantee you it will come back and haunt you one day. Never ever ever treat anyone badly in this life because one day you will regret it! I don’t know your situation but what I would say is keep talking and be strong it’s very difficult to see this behavior in families. My in laws treated me like s**t but what they don’t realise is I have the opportunity to completely destroy them because I now have knowledge that will tear them all apart just like they deserve. I speak the truth and I believe in the truth and the truth always has a way of coming out…..

[Positiveandlookingahead]

I am sorry to hear about your mum’s dementia. Please get the help that you need. It can’t be easy seeing that in your parents relationship while you have your own stuff going on. It would appear that you have left him so just think you do not need to endure a lifetime of eBay your mum has had to cope with. I guess now your dad will come to realise how he treated his wife and the thing is its all good to realise afterwards but that does nothing for the person whose life you have ruined! Your mum is important do what you can for her but you also need to look after yourself it’s so important xxxx

[Eve1]

Thank you ladies.

These posts came at the right time. I’ve been there today and read these first and it helped me

You’re right about boundaries, Serenity. So helpful to have validation and to edge back to putting my self first or at least equal to everyone else again, instead of getting sucked down into the negative, abusive abyss

Big hugs
Eve
x*x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Make yourself a priority. Your thoughts and feelings are very important. It’s natural to put others first but try to put how you feel first because it’s not fair on you. We are all with you x*x

[Author]

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