19th December 2015 at 8:19 pm #6373
I am engaging in some dangerous behaviour. I can’t seem to stop looking at one of his social networking profiles. I don’t know why but I feel like I want to know what he’s up to. He tells so many lies on it. But I want to stop looking, I don’t know how
20th December 2015 at 7:50 am #6383TamraParticipant
This is hard to stop and in my case I have blocked him and a few others however it doesn’t stop me from asking other people.
Someone on here said to me something like – what the eyes don’t see the heart can’t hurt.
It’s like punishing yourself/our-selfs because it hurts like hell. They leave such a mess behind them and the pain we carry is so heavy we try to ease it but looking just adds to that pain. My punishment was getting with another another women and believe me when I’m not a ‘good girl’ (his words) there was always another and it has be plastered all over FB and he told me well it’s not me doing it and I can’t control what she does – Nice. I told my friend this is my punishment and she said don’t see it as punishment see it as freedom, this wasn’t comfortable for me at first as I knew what it meant but to put a positive stance on his behaviour didn’t seem right however it has help a little.
If you can go cold turkey and try and not look it does get easier and that awful pull to find out stuff will ease. I havnt got there completely yet myself but I can feel it easing. Also I know when I see things it hurts more than asking and people aren’t telling me as much anymore. It’s like being a drug addict, even tho I’m not one, but from reading lots on the net I can see the similarities. ‘No contact’ seems to be the answer as is doesn’t mean just not talking it has bigger meaning loads on the net – in my opinion Melanie Tonia Evans is really good at explaining behaviours of the abuser and victim, how to survive etc. I read her stuff and watch her YouTube videos to get me though the day sometimes. She was abused herself so she knows what she’s talking about.
Big hug and keep posting
20th December 2015 at 9:48 am #6389Twisted SisterParticipant
their constant need to have you weak and needy to fulfil their sense of feeling important and powerful becomes ingrained, no matter what method they use to instil this sense of your ‘place’ in the relationship, the result is the same, you are securely attached and its not easy to simply switch it off. they have spent long torturing and teasing and it serves to weaken our own emotional resilience really badly, so first off … its a huge step that you came here to post that! and that you recognise what you are doing and that its risky behaviour.
Its a game of cat and mouse, but whilst you are still looking you are not looking after yourself.
Trying to put yourself first, before him, and his needs, is a strange and alien place for a while, but thats where you need to be, just thinking about you, as you know his inevitable journey already… he is just going to repeat, you are missing nothing, and yes its freedom, take it with both hands, even if it does taking a bit
a lotof getting used to!
20th December 2015 at 4:33 pm #6397
Thank you both. I do have him blocked but on this particular one I can still see what he writes. It’s really hard for me not to look but I am going try not to. One day at a time I suppose xx
21st December 2015 at 10:29 am #6427Amethyst15Participant
Can see you’ve had some responses and good advice. Just to reassure you that what you are experiencing is just another typical tactic from an abuser to get a reaction from you.That is very difficult to resist but at least you’ve recognised it. It is so difficult when you are still ‘bonded’ to someone to totally shut off but that’s exactly what you need to do. I would say a large majority of us ladies have struggled to achieve no contact but, when you do,the healing process can truly start. As it is, you are subject to his warped mind games and the reward of no contact is to be free of this drain on your well-being. Keep going and keep strong- a better life awaits you x
21st December 2015 at 11:56 am #6429
I don’t know how I am going to stop looking it’s really difficult x
22nd December 2015 at 9:05 am #6437Twisted SisterParticipant
Its a bit of an addiction, these relationships. cold turkey is the way to go, but it is so hard yes.
Maybe you could imagine for yourself the worst things that you could see? Would it be him celebrating his/her engagement for marriage?, or children, or buying a house or news of his great nights out with her?
You know that he’s only going to post inflammatory stuff for your eyes, so you may as well imagine the worst and prepare for it, would you agree?
I know for myself, i was desperately unhappy to hear all the awful things he said about me, i continually felt so destroyed by his words, and to hear others saying them, knowing that he had been sharing my intimate life with others, so i changed my attitude when i presumed that he was going to say the worst he could and to expect it, as its too late, its done and he’s going to continue doing it, and that its actually not personal, its just him, its who he is and when i remember back to all the vile things he said about people behind their backs and what a nasty nasty person he is, what else can you expect?
If he suspects that you are reading whats stopping him from posting lies and propaganda for your eyes and pain? He’s always going to do this, about anyone, to anyone that will listen….or look
Seeing him for who he is and predicting his behaviour made it a loss less painful or even personal for me, i hope it helps you too
Warmest wishes xx
22nd December 2015 at 11:47 am #6451
Hi karmasister that’s good advice. It’s a good way to look at it. He’s constantly going to tell lies and it’s not going to stop whether I see them or not. It will be a hard thing to stop looking but I hope I can. Today shall be day 1.
20th February 2016 at 10:09 pm #10061
It took me a while but I haven’t looked at his profile for a while now. I still feel like I want to sometimes but then I talk myslef out of it. I really don’t care now.
20th February 2016 at 10:14 pm #10062SavingmyselfParticipant
Just delete and block everything if you can
That’s the best thing for you and don’t ask about him
Less pain for you
20th February 2016 at 10:24 pm #10066lover of no contactParticipant
Well done Hopesprings for going No Contact. So hard to do, but No Contact really does prevent our mind and emotions from being messed up by the abuser. And gives the control back to YOU!
20th February 2016 at 11:14 pm #10070White RoseParticipant
No contact is definitely the best advice.
Initially I wanted to know what he was up to. I needed to see but I’d blocked him so couldn’t. I went through phases of asking people if they’d seen him and asking our daughter if she was still in contact through social media. Gradually I have found I don’t need to know. I don’t actually want to know and I really don’t care anymore. I think time helps but no contact is really important.
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