Dark days – how to battle them

[Tuppance]

I get the feeling there are a few of us who are either depressed or have other mental/ physical issues. I thought medication was supposed to stop dark days but I feel like I am spiralling downhill at an alarming rate and I can’t stop it. I don’t know how to. I can’t believe I have got to this point. I am avoiding people as much as possible, I barely eat ( I have lost 10lbs in 3 weeks ) I can’t force the food into me – it makes me feel sick. I am lost, I sit and stare into space formulating dark plans, I drink too much coffee to stay alert, I have dizzy spells, I can’t sleep, can’t make decisions. I am on auto pilot. How do people cope ?

[Tuppance]

I forgot the constant shakiness and racing heart beat. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, after my shower and could literally see my heart pumping against my sternum. I have never noticed it before. So fast. There is a loved up couple sitting next to me, talking about general stuff and dinner and it is so calm and living with respect and kind words. Relationships like that do exist – it’s nice to listen to. He adores her

[Ayanna]

Same here. Meds do not help with this. I do not know what to do, honestly.
I eat too much. I order feasts online and get them delivered to my doorstep.
The worse I feel the more I eat.
I contemplate things I should not think about.
I am out of the abuse for a little while and still do not feel any better.
The disability that I have as a result from the abuse and for which I have to see doctors once a month and also need mechanical devices, does not make things better. This and the pain are constant reminders of what happened to me.
My life is a nightmare.

[KIP.]

You find the strenght from somewhere. Medication treats the symptoms not the cause. Stay strong and keep working on an exit plan. Is your husband still staying away from the home? If hes back, hes brought the dark cloud with him x

[Ayanna]

Tuppance, I had the racing heart as well, for a long time and my blood pressure was so high that I had trouble to walk straight. I could only see out of holes. I was almost blind for weeks.

[Tuppance]

It’s mad. Yes, he came back yesterday – our youngest was begging. I can put up with him but she really wanted him home.

[Ayanna]

Oh no! Is there any way to distract her so that she forgets about him again?

[Anonymous]

I have to say that since I stopped taking antidepressants I have been that much stronger. It feels really hard sometimes but I think that the drugs made me unable to stand up for myself.
Please try and think of anything good that you have done, like how great a mum you are or how you did a bit of cleaning and try to build on it.

[Serenity]

I think back, and the shaking and the panic was physically intolerable.

I was dependent upon tablets, but I think for a year or two they held me together. Like a band aid. They stopped me falling apart. Recently, I realised that I had forgotten to take them for nearly a week. Obviously, I am naturally ready to stop them. At least for now.

Unfortunately, there is no way to completely escape the pain that comes after abuse. I think we can only work through it- and it is by working through it that we grow in strength, ironically. many of a he symptoms you describe are typical of PTSD. I would look up ways of controlling this. Apart from counselling, Google distress tolerance and DBT. Keep on talking it out, too.

You will get physically and emotionally better. Abuse takes an intolerable toll on you. But I promise, you will rise from it one day. xx

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

Anti depressants treat the symptoms, if they are the right ones, but as kip said, they don’t treat the problem.
I swore I will not take anything, but then again I am immensely resilient, don’t ask me where I got that “gift”, even my counsellor is amazed.
I laugh at that man, he is a total idiot, so I look at him for what he is worth, while wondering all the time why he is like that…i will never know. His parents? Probably.

You have to find it deep within yourself, some of us will go in a spiral some won’t. At the refuge I kept saying to my dv worker keep busy dying or keep busy living, like in the Shawshank Redemption film. I keep living, and I too battle with dark clouds, but my early childhood taught me to be self relient, to have high limits, I witnessed suicide attempts, heard horrendous arguments, thought my mum and I were going to be murdered, thought I would be poisoned by my parent, had no one to turn to, learned to pretend at school, at home and with my friends. I learned mainly to trust only myself. I watched so many people go down in my family, I wash going to be one of them, I look at a cross with Jesus crucified and although I have no faith, I imagine the torture endured, the disloyalty, I look at the Jewish genocide and know that the strongest in spirit will be the ones who survive, therefore I compare and put a saving perspective on my situation, I survive. I analyse. I think deeply. I grow. I build knowledge and wisdom and philosophy.

I will not be beaten by this man, and neither will you if you choose not to.

Look at a blade of grass, it’s a miracle.
Look at yourself and your children, you are miracles.
What we do with miracles is wonderful, hang on to that and create a voice that speaks positivity to you, no matter what.

Believe in tomorrow.

[Anabela]

I feel anxious. I struggle to eat, as when I come home from work I always have this feeling that I can’t be bothered to eat. Maybe that’s what makes me feel so weak.
Although, once I moved out, I feel much better. I used to cry almost every day. Some weekends I would just spend crying in my room. I dont cry now. But I feel stuck, damaged, I doubt myself, my career potential (he is still nagging me about my job), I feel old, although I am still young in years. I also noticed that I easily get scared of anything. I feel so conscious of money (which I have never felt before we moved in together) as I have enormous guilt, that my parents savings for my education have been wasted, and I struggle to save it back (on top of me being not best paid, I do give him some money a month, although way less than before when we lived together). And I dont know what to do with myself as well. I am starting to get suicidal thoughts again. I know I would never do that, but i get this feeling, that there is nothing good in life anymore. I dont know if I can blame everything on this relationship, I am not the happiest person in general.
I think my work is my saviour at the moment. I can’t particularly say that I like the job i am doing, it is stressful and low paid, but I feel good there, confident about what I do, we talk a lot and despite the busy work environment it feels a good place to be in.

[Author]

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