DARVO

[Llgirl]

Not posted on here in a really long while, feel like I’ve been doing really well, began working again, secured my own place and have felt safe and happy. Been battling my demons and having therapy and altogether getting in a better place. I’ve struggled with the court and children situation, I find the whole process quite traumatising.

I would say though on the whole I’ve been managing quite well, when I first fled I decided to file a report with the police (detail removed by moderator) Even though I know this is classic abuser behaviour (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) I’ve found myself having physical symptoms of being unwell, symptoms I haven’t felt in a long time, chest pains, panic attacks, headaches, lack of sleep, I feel I’m back to struggling all over again, and although I’ve come so far I can’t help feeling completely defeated. I’ve booked back in for some more therapy (trauma therapy isn’t an option for me right now) but I just wanted to post in a place where I’d be understood. I feel like he’s tortured me enough, but that the abuse feels never ending..

[Toofarr]

I’m sorry that you’re going through this after everything. Do you have an advocate or support worker to help you? It’s common for this to happen like you said but if you have an advocate to advocate for you it might ease the burden and stress for you. It won’t be the first time it’s happened.
One reason I’m still here is knowing abuse will be worse when I leave and having to go through court process…

[Llgirl]

It feels like they don’t allow you to move on, I am sending so much care your way, I can tell you as hard as it is on the other side it’s so much better than being in an abusive relationship, I finally feel safe in my own home, I can eat, go and do what I want without having to answer to anyone, it’s taken me so long and I’m still rebuilding who I am as a person, I had almost dissapeared when I left, and I’m refinding myself, thank you for reminding me how far I’ve come

[Toofarr]

You should be so proud of yourself. I’m so happy for you. I wish I can be at peace one day. I wish more than anything for my daughter. I’m trying not to disappear because then he wins. I’m scared I’ll lose my child if I leave. I’m scared I’ll be judged for staying when they told me I’m high risk. Scared they’ll take her when I finally do leave. Or he will. With his lies and manipulation. With his money. Wish I can be stronger and not so terrified.

[Llgirl]

My inbox is open if you need some support or some advice on courts etc x

[Toofarr]

Thanks so much. I’ve sent u a message x

[NewAmsterdam]

I am sorry to hear you are struggling. I am going through the same thing at the moment. I feel I’m stuck. Therapy does help, so I hope you manage to restart that. I have also learnt that my friends don’t mind listening, even though I feel like I am saying the same thing again and again. I’m feeling worse than a year ago but we need to keep going. It will be worth it. Sending lots of love 💕

[Llgirl]

So hard to remember that on the hardest days but thank you, you are so right, I feel like if I don’t see it through he will torture me forever

[Anonymous]

Can I just say you are doing amazing. I can completely understand how draining this must be .it takes courage to report and go thru court, something I couldn’t do at the time and now regret, it’s easy for me to say but when this is all over it will be so worth it , you stood up and you told your story .sending you all my support.you have courage u don’t feel right now

[Llgirl]

Thank you for saying that, I think it’s hard to remember how far I’ve come sometimes, and actually leaving was the hardest step, I’m trying to remember that through all of it I can stand in my truth, and that the truth will out

[JustKeepRunning]

Hi all, sorry to jump in. I really related to this when I read your message – I was doing so well, and now I feel like I’m back to where I was many many months later, at least in terms of my emotions. Please could I ask you all – you said therapy has been helpful. Where did you access this? I have v limited funds; I was offered some group therapy from a domestic violence charity, but didn’t feel like that would work for me. I’d really like one to one, but not sure where to turn to. Bit nervous of going to my GP as I get really paranoid about having things on my medical record that might at some point be used against me. Thanks for any advice x*x

[Llgirl]

You can self refer to therapy, depending on county though there might be women’s charities that can offer you some therapy, maybe ask that charity if they can direct you to somewhere you can do one to one x

[browneyedmum]

I’ve been reflecting this morning on … even though I’ve done some very amazing things under some very extra-ordinarily difficult situations, yet the impact of my ex still leaves me feeling so diminished.

I think because women are so socialised to put up and shut up… there’s something to that and we feel it in our bodies.

[swanlake]

Thinking of everyone. I have a financial matter to sort out with my abuser but have gone no contact for the sake of my mental health. I’m back on medications, therapy and now body work like yoga, self defence and martial arts.
I don’t feel well but at least I’m free. I think that whilst I was in the abusive situation I was so focused on survival I didn’t have much brain space left for looking after myself.
To my knowledge, counselling and group therapy is perhaps evidence that abuse has occurred. Advocates like Independent Domestic Violence Advisors might be able to give you individual support.

[iliketea]

Hi, really relate to this too, experiencing the same right at the moment, after a long time out. Suddenly started up again through the court as that is the only forum open to him. Ive been really triggered in the way you describe. Thought I was ok up until now, thought I “knew” all the triggers and what to do when it happens but its been so bad that I haven’t really been able to ground myself and take it in my stride. nightmares are back, constant thoughts and memories and flashbacks, its a nightmare, feel so unwell. Was signed off work but had to go back as couldnt have long off. Need to find some therapy again. When will it end? Was going to post separately so apologies for jumping on, meant to be in soladarity not all me me me…I really hope you’re ok…here if you want to dm for support I know we can’t publically discuss the court but it is a traumatising place in itself so I think that’s a really important thing to acknowledge as well. Sending a big hug, and to everyone going through this right now. Urgh. I’ve been trying to focus on the small things today, bulbs are coming up, and I saw some birds making nests, small positive signs that life does move on, and change. x*x

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