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    • #125265
      KIP.
      Participant

      DARVO is an acronym that describes the typical response of a guilty person when they’ve been accused of bad behaviour. It’s traditionally referred to in discussions of a perpetrator of sexual crimes, such as rape or physical abuse, but is a pattern that pops up in many other situations in which people are called out for something negative.

      It stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. Let’s break down those stages. First you have Deny – that’s pretty self-explanatory. You’ll see the person accused of wrongdoing simply denying that that’s the case; ‘I do not hold those views’, ‘I never said that’, ‘I did not do that bad thing’. The Deny stage is where gaslighting starts to come into play, with the person often trying to simply deny someone else’s lived reality. ‘No, that doesn’t happen’, ‘no, you’re making that up’, or ‘that might have happened, but it’s not as bad as you say it is’. Then there’s Attack bit. This is when the accused person will turn around the criticism to focus blame on the person calling them out. So let’s say a celebrity was called out by someone on Twitter – they might go into attack mode by accusing that person of just being jealous, or bitter, or a liar. Finally, you’ve got the Reverse Victim and Offender stage. This is where things get sneaky and subtle. Suddenly, the accused person will turn things around and say that actually, they’re not guilty of doing something terrible. In fact, they are the ones being treated poorly. In this stage, you might see someone introduce their own trauma as an excuse or a distraction tactic. They’ll respond to accusations of racism, for example, with a story about how they faced gender discrimination when they were younger. Or they might focus their statement on how they feel ‘bullied’ by the accusations, so those reading feel that the person who has been called out is actually the victim, facing online abuse rather than being challenged on their actions.

    • #125272
      Catjam
      Participant

      Do all these abusers go through this? Mine is currently playing victim. The system has let him down, he has been trying to get the help I have asked him to get, but no-one is getting back to him. My (detail removed by moderator) have even been to our gp and told them who useless the doctor has been.
      They finally came to me and I told them he has had help, that I got him all the info he needed. His (detail removed by moderator) set up counselling and now the girls are questioning if he is playing them.
      Will his next stage be attack? He doesn’t currently know where I live but he knows where I work.
      Thanks Kip for this. Given me lots to ponder xx

    • #125278
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi, you can bet he’s already been attacking. Pushing the blame on you, planting seeds of doubt in his children’s mind. Badmouthing you to anyone who will listen. The attacks aren’t alway obvious. I only found out later what he had been saying to my step daughter. IMO the attacks come as a way to discredit us. By omission he’s attacking you. Making out you didn’t try to help him when you know the truth. Again playing the victim. When he realises you’re not coming back and his attempts to draw you back in aren’t working, then you will see the real nasty abuser appear and you need to protect yourself. Someone once told me to sit back and watch the show. That’s all you have to do with these men.

    • #125303
      White Rose
      Participant

      So true!
      Yes KIP I’m back, hopefully a flying visit! Bad weekend supporting another abuser’s victim and it brought it all back. Not in a great place at the moment but I’ll get back on my horse and move on again.
      Just needed a bit of validation as I was thinking maybe I’d over thought my experience (I hadn’t!)

    • #125310
      Eggshells
      Participant

      So, how do you ever get justice when you’re up against this?

    • #125314
      KIP.
      Participant

      There will be plenty evidence of his lying. They’re in such a panic to deny and attack they come up with the most ridiculous lies. So keeping a journal. Dates times and incidents. Keeping evidence. If he’s communicating then make sure it’s by text or email. The hardest thing is to hold onto the truth and not be gaslighted by this behaviour. In time these men destroy themselves by their behaviour. Their arrogance and entitled behaviour brings them down. So taking a step back. Not panicking and not reacting and they do the rest of the work themselves.

    • #125320
      Eggshells
      Participant

      I’m strictly no contact now so too late to gather evidence.

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