Dating

[Watersprite]

I’ve been out a while just started dating taking it really slowly and cautiously and not even sure I want a relationship but the first guy I meet has just treated me with such kindness care everything is different – it’s just made it really hard to understand why I stayed for so long yes things escalated over the years and there were things I couldn’t have known but if I’m honest I now see there were red flags right from the beginning. Can anyone relate? Take care and if you are still in an abusive relationship right now you deserve better you really do x

[Mellow]

We all do I had children and was in it for years I just wanted to be loved all my relationships have been abusive and even my parent had tendancies I always sought for men i my life as I didn’t have an adequate father figure it’s not your fault I’m out now and I’m not really dating but living myself and new life so far I can’t bring a man in yet too much to think about I need to really think it through next time it’s not just kindness but I need to see what they bring into my life what’s beneficial if it’s nothing there is no pint what is his goals or does he just plod on I need someone I can grow with and hit goals with I’m thinking about it a lot more I’m a educated gal with a degree on my back and got with a nobody I see that now other people saw our brains don’t match the relation was not right all about controls d taking think it through lovey

[Funduro]

I’m educated too and realise now that all my ex’s that were abusive seemed to hate this about me, because I worked them out quickly and ran away. I have been dating a bit also, while still being stalked by the creepy abusive ex, but I’m not letting him stop me moving on to find a real man who doesn’t need to abuse women to feel powerful because he’s ultimately thick as 🐷 💩 and can’t handle a strong woman. I was hanging out with one of the non abusive men I’ve met since the 💩 one, and I found it so odd that I could actually relax with this guy, weird feeling, it almost made me feel anxious, oh the irony, because I’m used to the (detail removed by Moderator) ex randomly kicking off at me so I couldn’t ever relax. It’s like I’ve been conditioned by that horrible little bully, to be in fight or flight all the time. It is fading but it’s taking a very long time. I just want my life back one hundred percent and for him to just suffer alone without my light anymore. Guess karma for these abusers is that they can’t feel love or show it. Empty lost souls basically, hungry for power and hoovering us for our good qualities. I have to say, it sucks being a straight woman in this society of domestic violence and societal violence towards women just backs it all up. ..

[Watersprite]

Thank you both for your replies – they have to compliment/ add to my life if not no point. Mellow I was given advice by social services not to date for at least two years and probably more like five – they were right I needed to work on me and rebuild my family. It’s between that time and I’m ready to date still not sure about a relationship.(detail removed by moderator) I think your thoughts on karma so true. But it makes dating difficult in case somehow it leads to him finding out. But I got out so me and my children could be safe and free 💥

[Watersprite]

So I can’t stop overthinking questioning everything looking for problems getting the ick. I’ve met a nice guy and the heartbreaking thing is I think he is trustworthy I just don’t trust myself my own judgement. My ex was so dangerous to me and my family. I’ve worked so hard on myself been single for so long yet here I am unable to trust my own judgement. Feel so sad tonight … any advice x

[StrongLife]

I’ve dated but got married men or red flag men and stopped.

I have other issues and not keen on relationship. I find men quick but there is either other women or garbage happening.

I stopped – tried social groups and online dating- online dating was ridiculous- found that socialising was costly and found men unsuitable.

I stopped.

I have found a guy I like however he neglected to tell me he had partner.

I’m independent living in house etc. I’m not seeing the point now. Don’t like all the additional hassles.

[Icanbuymyselfflowers]

Hello,

I like this topic! I agree with ss advising not to date for 2yrs after abusive relationship.

It is the same think like going to therapy you become attached and trust anyone who shows affection. Therefore self love first working on our self and figuring out what we like and want is more important at that stage. Time for self healing is so important.however many who goes through abuse, feel empty and want to replace the holl.

As you said dating someone nice makes you realise what a shity relationship you had! But trust me is true we do not know how to take it as we are not used to being recipient of love. Therefore, theres loads of unresolved trauma that will start to display if you date someone mentally secured.

Did you know that most couples who stay together longest are the insecured ones? Clinging onto toxic behaviour as thats what they knew geowing up and living unsettled lives.

Take time after a break up, concentrate on your needs and do some healing. Once you are happy in your shoes everything else will gravitate. Whereas when you look you never find.

Blessed day.

[StrongLife]

Clearly a while after this happened and a while after last contact. I too am skeptical about dating with this going on in my past. However it has been a long time but I still am dealing with it. I met another guy and again he was married and he told me within half an hrs of talking and asked my marital status. (This is unlike last guy who did not tell me for a long while) I get too many married guys that I’m interested in. That is huge red flag (he was talking to me to be friendly – not dating me) I’m now planning to move away from that situation – which will be no effort as I have not known him long / that is the way life goes better to know up front.

[Watersprite]

Thank you both and I hope all the women out there dating again keep it safe but also have well deserved fun. you are right dating a nice guy does mean I’m having to deal with unresolved trauma and at times it feels frightening but that’s not him that’s all the rubbish I’ve overcome. But it’s also an opportunity for growth and hopefully joy and if not I’ll get out – I’ve got my back !!! Take care everyone xx

[Author]

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