Dating after abuse / Connecting to men after abuse

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hello ladies 🙂

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on here. I’ve been rebuilding my life, focusing my physical and mental health and moving forward. Experiencing moments of happiness with my family and friends.

One thing that’s come up for me though – Aside from my stepdad and brother. There are no men in my life. No males that are friends. No male romantic interests etc. I’m wondering how to change that? I would say overall, I avoid men altogether. Surely this isn’t healthy?

This brings me to my next question… how in earth do you date after you’ve experienced abuse? It’s been just over (detail removed by Moderator) years since I left my ex. Approaching (detail removed by Moderator) without any contact which is absolutely fantastic. I gained my power back.

I just honestly have no idea how to meet men? I’ve had a little look at dating applications but in all honestly, I don’t really have an understanding about the dating world as it is now. I’ve only been in relationships with men who I had known when younger, through work, university etc. I just have no idea how to approach it. I’ve done a lot of work around early signs of above, red flags etc so I do feel fairly confident about spotting early signs so I don’t feel that is a subconscious prevention.

Although, I’m not entirely sure I am ready to date yet and that’s okay. I’ve removed all that pressure around that as my priority at the moment is on me, solely me and I’m making progress. I’m just curious as how others have approached this?

Many of my friends or peer’s I know have also experienced abuse / trauma have successfully managed to move on and into new relationships. For me, that just feels like such a scary and impossible thing? I know I want to one day though, as I miss having a romantic connection with another human. I miss romantic cuddles, dates, a partnership and one day I really want to have children. I’m in my late (detail removed by Moderator) and I’m just feeling a bit.. lost in terms of male connection?

In terms of sexuality / sexual connection, I’ve acknowledged I have a lot of unresolved trauma there. I don’t masturbate, and I haven’t since leaving my abusive ex and no interest in sex particularly. I didn’t really masturbate before that either. I have never really been someone that has slept around or had one night stands etc but it makes me sad that it feels that isn’t an option for me. I don’t want to close myself off from sexual connection all together, I just don’t know how to approach it.

I don’t feel I can talk to my friends about this or even at peer-groups, as they say they understand and relate but then will go on dates, have sex with people they find attractive or a connection with etc and I haven’t met anyone who is like me, who has felt this way? It can be a isolating place. On top of that, my family members (Mum / Aunties etc) actively encourage me not to bother to date again? I’m (detail removed by Moderator). That isn’t right either?

Growing up I didn’t really have a great amount of decent male friends, and my ex boyfriends were all pretty rubbish, then my only adult serious relationship was incredibly abusive. I’ve done so much recovery work to undo all of this and thankfully, I am now surrounded by incredible sercure-attached friendships with women / non-binary people but still no straight male friends.

I’m not sure if anyone has experienced this, or understands this but if you do. I’d love to receive a message from you to talk further. I feel quite alone with this. I’ve always been quite traditional and only really had long term relationships although my previous choices weren’t great, so I’m not entirely sure how to adjust to this modern world. I have so much love to give.

Thank you for taking the time to read 🙂 xoxo

[AmethystLight]

Firstly, huge congratulations for rebuilding your life and finding health and happiness. I know how hard that is, as we all do on this forum. You should be so proud of how far you’ve come!

I did quite a lot of dating after my abusive relationship so thought I’d share my experience.

I guess I was a bit unusual in that I have only just fully acknowledged that my ex was abusive, several years after we broke up. His abuse was more subtle than some, with gaslighting and emotional manipulation, so it has taken me years to look back and finally see it for what it was.

After the breakup I focussed on friends and hobbies, did lots of inward reflection, learned about attachment styles, read lots of self-help books etc to try and learn what my patterns were, what I needed to work on within myself and so on. So I sort of did some healing work without realising I was actually healing from an abusive relationship!

I started using dating apps only a few months after the breakup, having never used them before. Like you, I’d only met partners in real life, not on apps.

If I had realised that my previous relationship was abusive at the time, I probably wouldn’t have started dating that early on, to be honest. I think I have more fear of it now that I’ve acknowledged the abuse I experienced, so I’m not surprised you’re feeling nervous about it.

However, overall I found dating to be a positive, confidence-boosting experience. Although it had a lot of low points! There are a lot of emotionally unhealthy people in the dating pool who haven’t worked on themselves enough to be good partners yet, which means there is a lot of ghosting and other bad dating behaviour. But I quickly learned that this had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. Rejection is not personal!

One of the things that kept me in my abusive relationship for so long was a belief that I would never connect with anyone else as much I did with my ex. I struggled with confidence and thought I would be boring, quiet and awkward on dates with new people.

However, I discovered that I could easily get on with anyone and enjoy a fun date, even if it didn’t go anywhere. This gave me a new-found confidence that I’d never had before, which has spilled over into other areas of my life, too. It also means I am more discerning with choosing a partner, because I’m not just latching onto the first guy that comes along who I get on with.

I’m now in a healthy relationship with a man I met on an app, so it’s absolutely not impossible! It took a lot of dates to get here, though.

Like you, I don’t have any straight male friends. This is partly because my abusive ex was quite jealous, so I would limit my social contact with men I worked with. But I haven’t consciously chosen not to since, it’s just that my hobbies and interests are traditionally more female, I suppose! So dating apps were just a way of meeting a wider range of people than I usually would. I think they have a bad rep, but really it’s not that different to meeting someone at a bar or something, and it can be a fun, affirming experience as well.

If and when you feel ready to give it a go, my best tip would be to view it as a learning experience – a way of learning more about yourself and what you’re looking for in a partner. I found that really takes the pressure off and can help you to not get too emotionally invested in it.

It sounds like you have a great network behind you and a full life already though, which is amazing and will help you to navigate dating whenever you decide to do it.

Otherwise, you could try a hobby that is usually a mix of men and women, like hiking or climbing, as a way to meet new people without apps.

But it sounds like you’re already doing amazingly well, so I’d say don’t put pressure on yourself to date unless it feels right for you x

[healingbutterflybabe]

Thank you so much, Amethysest light!

I have worked incredibly hard to get where I am, and honestly am incredibly proud of myself. This relationship with Men though is really isolating. Also congratulations to you!!! I can hear you’ve worked really hard to move on to a healthy life and focusing time on yourself. It isn’t easy and it sounds like you really went for it.

Thank you for sharing your story with me – I’m really sorry you experienced abuse – not one person on this planet deserves it! I almost think emotional abuse is worse in some ways as it takes so long to pinpoint it all and is so damaging mentally. With me too, the main abuse I experienced was emotional and coercion. Although I left a few years ago now, it was only this year I really saw it clearly in black and white. The last puzzle piece was competing the Freedom Programme and also, the Recovery from Abuse programme with the Lotus Project which specifically looks at emotional abuse.

I’ve focused a lot on recovery work, in terms of therapy groups, therapy 1:1., CBT groups, competing trauma pathways etc. I don’t think I’ll ever stop learning now and working through healing from abuse. That’s incredible that you were doing recovery work subconsciously, it really shows you how powerful our brains can be.

The reason I stayed with my ex so long too was because I felt I didn’t connect with anyone like him either – but that was all fake looking back. He was mirroring me with my own personality until I was ‘in love’ with him and then revealed his true self, while selling me a picture perfect story. He often made it difficult for me to be friends with men, I also lost a lot of male friends that we shared mutually as they enabled the abuse and I realised, that the friends I had in my life, weren’t really friends at all. Just a brunch of very damaged souls.

It’s really good to hear about your experience of dating apps, and your advice about how to face it / think about it. It’s also wicked to hear of a success match on there! I’m so glad you’re in a healthy relationship following abuse this makes a lot of sense. I will eventually like to give it a go, and will approach it as a learning experience instead of like, life partner? I think one of the problems are, I don’t really know what I want? I’ve not had a normal relationship before or had one night stand so I don’t know what I’m looking for really.

A lot of the hobbies I do… well dancing, walking in nature, women circles, etc. Most of my female friends are in same-sex relationships, meaning I’m often around a lot of women and their partners. I’m not particularly into sports, I don’t know. I just don’t know where to meet mean as friends. I guess there’s bumble for friends? Maybe that way idk.

Thank you sweetie for the support, x*x

[driedflowers]

Making new male friends has been really important for my healing and so I would encourage you to do this if you can find a way. I met a number of men through work who I came to trust over time. What I noticed with the PTSD is that you have to push a little out of your comfort zone to avoid shrinking inwards. When you have positive experiences as a result, it opens up your world again. Things I noticed about the men I made friends with were that they respected boundaries without pushing, were attentive listeners and validated my feelings instead of denying and dismissing, and were always polite, respectful and pleased to see me. I didn’t ask them to do this, they just did it, and it reminded me that there are lots of good feminist men out there. This wasn’t the case for everyone I encountered, but it was a good learning exercise in trusting your gut and being reminded of how great some men are and how much they have to offer. If I were you I would sign up for some mixed group activities and take it from there. Do something that you will enjoy regardless so that friendships can evolve naturally.

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hey dried flower!

Thank you, yes, I know how important making new make friends will be to my healing, it’s nice have that reaffirmation from you too. I just honestly have no way to know how, hence my post on here.

I’m not currently working, and when I do the odd job, I’m self-employed so I work alone rather than with other people.

Yes, with C-PTSD I feel the same. I’ve pushed myself out of my comfort zone a lot this last year, after spending a long time shrinking inwards. Things like going to the pub (occasionally), seeing friends plan in bands, going to house-gathering, I went to a festival but didn’t speak to one man during that process haha! Most of them were positive and are pushing me more, but I’m still not in contact with men lol.

The men you became friends with sound really respectful, and ideal candidates for male friends! I’m really happy to have heard your experience, it does give me hope to know there are good men out there! Absolutely great qualities to a friendship. I’m wondering how and where you met men to become friends with? I’m really looking for guidance around that. I’ve had a lot of encourage from friends to meet men but like how? There’s never a clear answer or examples which is hard for me as I’m not sure how?

I’m currently dancing, in walking groups etc and I go to recovery groups too, but still haven’t been able to meet men lol. I will keep going and hopefully eventually I will meet men. There doesn’t seem to be much of a community where I am based. A

Thanks for your suggestions and advice, it’s really appreciated! 🙂

[Escapee]

Hi HBB
I feel the same. I’ve been out for a few years now and even though I would love to find a special someone the thought of dating scares me silly and sex…..you must be joking !
I’m a twitchy mess around men….my poor neighbour must think I’m very strange as I can never escape quick enough 😂 (I laugh but it’s quite an obstacle 🙄)
I’m curious how other survivors have navigated this minefield too.

[Eyesopening]

I feel like a totally different person now. But it takes a long time. I had about a year of therapy, the first 6 months i just got through the day. After that comes healing for maybe 6months or more. Then can come thriving. I developed ptsd and had about 6months of therapy for that. I also had general talking therapy before and after, plus The freedom program. I’m not scared/nervous of men at all anymore. I’m so happy being single and know the next guy is gonna have to be amazing to get me in a relationship again. Its been a long journey. But with work and practice, reading,finding your hobbies, getting goog at something and getting really into it! Like swimming, hiking, mtb, and i agree, getting out of your comfort zone. You’ll get there xx

[Escapee]

Thank you for shining the torch in the direction of hope 🤗

[Eyesopening]

And I didn’t mention this forum. Women coming together to support eachother and learn from eachother is the strongest medicine.
Cannot recommend freedom program enough x

[healingbutterflybabe]

hugs xx

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hi eyesopening!

Yes, I agree, I’ve completed so much therapy, and I do feel like a new person, I still have c-ptsd and working on it, but I’m still like uncomfortable with men, less so because of trauma, but more because I have no exposure to them now so it’s almost increased that void.

It’s a weird one. I do feel really happy being single, I really do. You’re right in saying the next guy is going to have to be amazing to get you into a relationship again, I feel the same. I just feel like it’ll be good to mix more with men. I feel so like, just surrounded by females all the time? It feels like I’m living in a bubble without men.

I’ve got into dance a lot more, that’s what I focus on a lot. That’s my passion really.

Thanks for the advice, feeling like I’m in a black hole with it recently x*x

[Eyesopening]

Having a passion is the best!!
Mine is mountain biking but with the rain, I feel like I would defo like to find a winter passion.
There are so many things you can do to be around men and practice. I think we just need to have good experiences to re-adjust our minds and re-learn that we can be safe around men.
I have brothers and good friends partners who at first after my abusive relationship, i was nervous and always wished they were not there. But over time, they also became friends and I learnt I was safe, I was loved. Even my brothers I was a little nervous around. That’s all gone now. Depending where you live, Meet Up can be a great way of meeting people. I tried Jiu Jitsu, which was amazing for learning to trust others, especially men. Try classes where you will meet men. Join local groups, anything to meet them.
I’m also at an age where ideally I should meet a man and have kids soon, but I’m at the pount where, its ok if that doesn’t happen. Better be single and happy. Then be in an unhappy relationship.
I have tried dating apps and I really struggle to care about anyone enough to make an effort. Its really hard to make a connection online. I definitely would prefer meeting someone in real life naturally. I hope one day through a hobbie.
I also want to try activity holidays where you’ll meet lots of people xx

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hey…. yes…
It’s really isolating and weird being so uncomfortable to date / sex or even to be friends with a man. I also am young though and a part of me thinks, this is my prime time? Will I ever look this good again?

Bless you. It is really hard. I don’t come into contact with men at all, maybe the odd doctor but even then, he’s quite feminine!

Please drop me a message if you wanted to talk about it! I know it can feel overwhelming and isolating!xx

[StrongLife]

All I have found it men with red flags and got rid of them. Found a couple I chatted to and others I was not interested in or married/taken men.

I am going out socially but found nothing.

I found no luck from online dating and never met any one at all. I ended up going to social things.

I have only found one guy. That lasted a month until I saw one night red flags and ended it immediately.

Online dating was not good in my experience.

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hi Stronglife…

Oh dear. That has been my fears. Have you got any male friends? I’d prefer to start there, but it’s hard.

Thank you for your feedback love, sending you a big hug x*x

[StrongLife]

Well – I had one that I chatted to on and off but would not have considered him a friend – just someone I chatted to. I then decided to tackle this issue with male counsellor which I lasted for two months before running out of the large amount of money required.

I have had male friends in past and also ones who proclaim to be friends but really wanted to date. They are no longer around.

The apps they would ghost or proclaim I was not a female ??? Or somehow think other things because you are not meeting face to face ie you must be male???? When I’m a female – these types of negative experiences put me off. I have tried for social groups where one meets in person now.
I’m not in financial position to consider this but maybe in future – no rush here for that

[Author]

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