Dating after abuse

[Emptybutfree]

Hi ladies,

I was on here a while back and been quiet for a while.
It’s been some time since I had been free from the horrendous physical and emotional abuse.

My abuser has been (detail removed by Moderator) but I’m surprisingly in a good place. With my work, home life and a good routine which works for me.

I recently tried dating, I thought I was ready as I feel in control of every other aspect of my life.
I had been on a few dates and again, felt in control as I’ve managed to develop this ‘ice queen’ exterior.

I ended up meeting this man, I got on with him, a lot more than I’d expected. He asked me lots of questions about me and was very interested in me but this made me feel massively uncomfortable, he began to put 2 and 2 together and I couldn’t lie any more. My whole feelings then shifted from feeling so in control to being an absolute nervous wreck, anxiety riddled and almost emotionally reliant, the feeling I’ve worked so hard to stay away from – the feeling of vulnerability was indescribable.

Is this normal? What could I do different? And will I be like this forever?

Safe to say, I either scared the man away or he thinks I’m bonkers.

I’m aware that I am number 1 and that I shouldn’t care too much what others think, but I do, it’s mortified me.

I don’t know how I’m ever going to be able to be true to myself but not have all of these horrendous triggers and emotions.

Any help, advice would be greatly appreciated xx

[Put the kettle on]

Hi, I think it’s normal to experience this, you’re going into a possibly romantic situation/relationship and I feel that’s bound to bring up triggers and memories.
If the man no longer wants to see you that’s on him and it could be for any reason not just because you opened up.
If you were feeling so uncomfortable it suggests to me either he was possibly to forward or you’re maybe not ready to date just yet. Either way it’s a learning experience for you.
Have you had any counseling? This may be helpful

[Mellow]

I can speak from experience on here after (detail removed by Moderator) week I started looking for romance for me it didn’t work because the other person was going to fast asking questions wanting to know my life I started to feel like it was going into therapy territory I said he’s not my therapist so I won’t go into too much about relationships but the interest kept going also you begin to notice if other person may have controlling tendencies well it didn’t end well I was told (detail removed by Moderator) but I do think it was more on his part as I thought he was going fast saying that he’s in love then switched the next but proceeded to say he’s a good man I honestly don’t want to date now I think you should wait a bit if your filled with anxiety because for me I felt let down and my emotions played up all over again I proceeded to say I want everything slow but they didn’t seem to want it For me I can’t have someone playing in my feelings again it’s too hurtful I think you should work more on yourself before relationship I’ve got myself in a good routine but still live with abuser we are separated try focus on things like hobbies and looking after yourself there’s nothing better than investing in yourself I’ve found buy new clothes have treatments fall in love with you

[Put the kettle on]

I’ve been in a similar situation mellow, telling me he loves me, saying he wants to go slow but rushing things giving me ultimatums, repeatedly telling me what a good man he is. It really messes with your head and emotions

[Mellow]

That’s not good well me and my romance ended for this reason I said I wanted it slow we’d not met in person but he kept pushing wanting a house together and all sorts I backed right off he already backed off saying it’s not what he wants but saw it as a sign I don’t need anyone rushing me even wanted to meet my kids only known him (detail removed by Moderator)

[sunshineLollypops]

I am trying to date too – it’s honestly so hard. I have met someone whom I like and have slept with already – I was very keen to take back some control as my ex used to force me so I wanted to do it on my terms! It’s been so nice to have someone say nice things to me and nice things about my body. To cuddle and kiss and enjoy each other’s company.
He asked all kinds of questions about my ex and I just kept saying it was an incredibly toxic relationship.
For now I am just enjoying being affectionate with someone I can’t see it going long term though.
This guy I’ve met is an (detail removed by Moderator) and makes me feel normal as he isn’t! I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone ‘normal’ again.

[Author]

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