dating…..rejection, fear of rejection, and men must be smelling this

[fridges]

Does anyone have the same feelings sometimes, when you feel weak?
Today I had a therapy session and I told my therapist that something is wrong with me, I realised that before I was never looking at me, who actually would be good for me. Instead I was thinking I’m good only getting crumbs from the men, with I’m not in love, not even attracted too, plus abusive, destructive relationship and connection. Reminds me of the drug addicted. Before for me being left even by very very bad man, was almost like a death. I think I connect my childhood to my relationship with men. My family abandoned me as a child, I had no one to turn too with my needs, emotional, financial, security or anything in the content what child needs. And now I realise that many relationships in my life all were abusive to a certain level, some worse than others, some just other type of abuse.
Recently I was feeling low and turned to an old habit, looking comfort from men, getting an attention again.
I was out with girlfriends, and there was a very nice man, near us. I knew he was looking at me and liked me. When I was leaving, he came up to me and ask me for dinner or drink. I said, yes, but I will not give my number, instead I will take his.
I had no intention to meet him again, but I thought let me take his number just in case if I will decide to meet him.
As the man for whom I have feelings, he did not give me the attention what I was craving for, and my emotional needs has not been satisfied. I was feeling actually low and lonely.
No attention from man for whom i have feelings and one evening, I wrote to this man.
He said he did not expect me that I will text him. I said I like to give surprises. To make story short, he wanted to meet me and we agreed I will let him know when I will be in this town again.
Yesterday I wrote to him, saying hi and how is he? thinking when he will respond I might tell him, i will be in the same town.
But he did not responded to my text.
And the fears, my sick behaviour to be attracted to the toxic connection was back there.
All my sick patterns, which I try to eliminate from my personality to be healthy person.
Yesterday I got pretty upset about it, and questioned myself – did he feel I’m needy just by few messages, did he smell it that from the confident happy girl – there is someone else who is not fully ok with her self esteem, self confidence.
Because I know he was very attracted to me and then no respond to my message.
I have no intention to write one more time.
May be if I would be in my sick mode, I would pursue this man to like me, but I’m not longer willing to repeat my old patterns of behaviour.

Do anyone from you goes sometimes through similar emotions?
Please share your experience?

[AirBlue]

Hi Fridges,

I’m so sorry for what you went through as a child. I can’t begin to imagine the impact that must have had on you and think that you’re incredibly strong to be where you are now.

I feel exactly the same about dating and the opposite sex. I have very little self-worth and tend to seek validation from men. It’s not healthy, but I need to feel attractive to the opposite sex to get a little bit of a confidence boost – despite having numerous roles in my life that would give me that. I’m trying to learn to be independent a bit more and to rely on boosting my own self-worth first.

I think going to therapy is a great step forward. Hopefully, your therapist will be able to provide you with insights and strategies to help with these feelings. I also think that the fact that you’ve recognised your previous behaviours and stopped yourself this time is incredibly admirable.

[KIP.]

I don’t think you’re recovered enough to date. You still sound very vulnerable. Looking for validation from others for our own self esteem is a recipe for disaster. You need to work on your own self first. I used to feel like you and that’s probably why so many women end up with abusers and losers. The only validation you need is from within. Giving someone else that power, especially a stranger is dangerous and I would block the number now. A little bit of flirting was fine and the fact he asked for your number is nice. But at that point you need to have the confidence to say no, nicely and politely and walk away with a small ego boost. I’m loving the single life. It was awful in the beginning with my abused brain thinking all sorts about being left in the shelf etc. Self esteem at zero. I’ve worked on myself and now I have my own life and it will take someone exceptional to get in. In life we get what we settle for and I’m not settling for anything less than what I want. I remember my ex telling me when he got caught cheating that she was interested in him. Looking back, how low must his self esteem have been. I would have said I was interested in someone else. You don’t date just because he/she interested in you, unless you’re vulnerable or desperate. There has to be a mutual attraction.

[Ayanna]

Maybe you are not the only one he is texting to and he decided to meet up with someone else.
It might have nothing to do with you.

He might be a nasty fellow anyway, despite his good looks.

Do not worry too much.

If you feel you need a man, look out for the abusive signs and quickly get away when you spot them and chase up another one.

[fridges]

Hello, girls, thank you very much for your response, sharing your own personal experiences and some part of your lives. You are very supportive!
I had very unhealthy relationships in the past. And behaviour was really very destructive for me. I was even staying in the abusive relationship, just to show the world, i’m not alone and someone need me, how pathetic is it. Making in front of other people I’m ok and covering up the abuse, just to be normal, look normal. I was not even admitted to myself, the failure on this, as I was so afraid to be a failure.
But it is better to admit yourself, it is wrong, to see quicker, only then you can take steps to solve the situation.
Today I feel better, on Friday I went to see my good girlfriend, who understand a lot of destructive patterns, and was able to make a good life for herself and still trying to improve herself and making stronger. She went through therapy too. And I’m able to talk to her about some parts, not all of course:)
She is inspiring to me.
Now I’m learning that being single ok, it is not failure and nothing wrong in it. And even if you decide to . have a family or to be married is also ok. As long as you do what you choose and want to.
I really try to make myself happy with new ways. And put lots of effort not to fall to trap of my past which playing in my head. Remind that I need to nurture me for a stronger and an independent person.
It is very hard, I hope I will be like you KIP one day, making only healthy choices and stick to the healthy ways of life. Recognising bad patterns and stop them quick.
This boy did not answer to me, but now I got over it, and glad that it was quick, it does not make me feel so bad.
This is also can be a game playing hot, playing cold – so typical from a man, who wants to get the control, and make woman feel vulnerable. When we are vulnerable, we are easy to take an advantage of.
I had this before this – first give you attention, then withdraw, so that you start to chase.
I’m not going to play it. Only healthy good connection, rewarding and nurturing for the soul + heart.

[Author]

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