- This topic has 7 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 2 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
It’s been a few years since I ended my abusive relationship. I didn’t date anyone for a while because I wasn’t ready and didn’t trust my choice of men. I also did not want to project all of my issues onto someone new before I had sought therapy etc.
I have been dating a new guy for a few months. I had actually briefly dated him in the past but didn’t pursue things at that point because I met my Abuser.
He has been mostly lovely and thoughtful and always takes me on very well-thought-out dates. We have great conversations and I do feel like I am falling for him but we had some arguments (detail removed by Moderator) that gave me red flags and has made me anxious that I have picked another toxic man.
He is very outgoing and extroverted and likes to go out to bars until the early hours whereas I prefer to just meet friends for coffee, have a walk, etc. I also don’t drink alcohol. I don’t mind his preferences and interests but we had several big arguments in the lead up to New Year’s Eve because I did not want to spend a lot of money or go out and party.
We are in our (detail removed by Moderator). To me, NYE is just one day and I celebrated a lot when I was younger but now I don’t see the fuss. I don’t care if he wants to go out with his friends alone.I will happily call a friend and stay home watching a movie.
He called me (detail removed by Moderator) to discuss NYE plans and I said I didn’t want to go to a club because I didn’t drink or like that environment, and I didn’t want to spend a lot of money going away for the weekend because Christmas was expensive. We had just been on a weekend break (detail removed by Moderator).
We argued and I thought he at least accepted I did not want to go out partying. But we had (detail removed by Moderator) more arguments of the same thing where he could not comprehend why I didn’t want to go out for NYE and called me boring.
I said that he should accept different interests and that none of my friends really celebrated either, and he said they were boring too, despite never having met most of my friends. Eventually, after (detail removed by Moderator) arguments, I agreed to go out with him and some of his friends in couples. Then, after all of that, I got ready (detail removed by Moderator) on New Year’s Eve, he fell asleep, then did not want to go out!
When he woke up, he complained that he had never missed NYE and that I got what I wanted, while I was the one that actually spent time getting ready to go out! We took a day trip (detail removed by Moderator). He asked me if I wanted a (detail removed by Moderator) and I said no, as I don’t eat meat. Regardless he invited friends over anyway.
I feel that we could have found a compromise to go for dinner or cook something else. Then, his friends wanted to stay in the spare room as they had been drinking. Before the (detail removed by Moderator), his friends kept being later and later to arrive.
I feel like everything had been building up and before they arrived I said I was annoyed that I said I didn’t eat meat and yet he went ahead and called his friends and organised (detail removed by Moderator) anyway. His friends are consistently late and unreliable and I got tired of waiting around, for something I didn’t want to do and said I would go home as I was tired. I find it exhausting to be around someone else’s friends all the time, especially if they were going to be staying the night, etc.
He became absolutely furious banging his hands (detail removed by Moderator) and yelling that I was boring, antisocial, and lived like an 80-year-old woman. I was quite startled to see how angry he got. I cried, because I just don’t like people screaming in my face and although he didn’t apologise, clearly felt bad that he had exploded and started acting all nice. I helped him set his things up for (detail removed by Moderator) and then went home and said I didn’t feel like socialising after that, which annoyed him.
The next time I saw him, I tried to bring up with him that I did not like his reaction, and it upsets me to be called boring all the time. Instead of apologising or accepting I have different interests, he continued arguing calling me boring, antisocial, telling me I am a (detail removed by Moderator) (actually I have plenty of friends just don’t want to be with his all the time or party/drink). When I said I wasn’t anti-social, he kept arguing that yes I was antisocial, weird, and closed off to meeting anyone.
We argued until the point I had a headache and I told him that it was perhaps better to end it as we were clearly not compatible. He didn’t see why we were “suddenly” not compatible and asked where this had come from.
We spent (detail removed by Moderator) together, and he was lovely, probably to make up for the weekend. But now I am anxious that I should not ignore this and I don’t know whether to end it.
-
Hmmm. Sorry to say this but I think you’re right. There are definitely red flags here. Raging in your face is not acceptable behaviour. Calling you boring when you have your own preferences is disrespectful. He’s not respecting your boundaries at all. At the very least you both seem to value different things and have different values. Do you even like him much at the moment?
They say, when someone shows us their true colours we owe it to ourselves to listen to them. No matter what he says with words when trying to make up, his actions and attitude say something else much louder. And there is no reason for us to think that things will improve over time when someone mistreats us – we’ve both learned about that the hard way or we wouldn’t be here on this forum.
You don’t need to convince him to agree with you if you want to call it a day on this. He hasn’t got to like it or give you permission to leave. You are within your rights to tell him that you both clearly want and value different things and that you don’t want to be in a relationship with him. And, if he turns that into a row you can stop it nice and easily by blocking him. You are your own boss, and responsible only to yourself.
God bless. GR xx
-
Yes sadly I agree with the red flags. You’ve described several examples (in a short time frame) of him trying to intimidate, wear you down or shame/belittle you into doing what he wants. On top of that he showed no recognition of his behaviour and tried to deflect your comments by more shaming/belittling and playing dumb. And none of what you described shows any empathy from him towards you. Even if things don’t get worse (which is unlikely) his behaviour is not compatible with a mutually loving and respectful relationship. Sending love xxxx
-
Hi Expatgirl, I hope you’re giving yourself a massive pat on the back for recognising the red flags.
It’s not normal to be shouted at, it’s not normal to be demeaned, it’s not normal to be unable to compromise.
It’s not normal to behave in a child-like entitled way. It’s the behaviour of a toddler.
Please remember that this time, you’re in charge. You’ve noticed the behaviours as unacceptable. He’s treating you as an object and when you respond as a human being, he really doesn’t like it.
This isn’t your fault in any way. There are good men out there, and that you’ve picked up on the abusive behaviour quickly is a feather in your cap.
-
-
Thank you all ladies. Sorry, I really ought to have replied sooner.
I made the decision to end it and walk away and I am so happy that I did. I haven´t thought about the person at all or missed them since then. I don´t know if anyone else struggles with this too, but for me, after ending my abusive relationship I feel like I can´t trust my own mind sometimes. So I will think ¨this seems wrong, is this a red flag¨ but I don´t trust my judgment so I end up asking my friends what they think, which is a bit pathetic for a grown woman.
Anyway I am feeling so happy that this time around I noticed that I deserved better. Thank you all so much for your support as always.
-
Well done for recognising his behaviour as red flags. He sounds very controlling. There is nothing wrong with having different interests and lifestyle as long as you are both able to discuss and make compromises. It sounds like his go-to for any disagreements is to blame you / put you down / get angry, none of which is acceptable.
-
I was just about to repsond when I read you jave broken conract with him.
It sounds like exactly the same kind of pattern of how my abusive relationship started.
Well done.
Seems you do know your gut. So hard when you’ve been told you’re wrong all the time.
Thankyou for sharing. It’s something i think i will worry about foe the future.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
