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I have dated a couple of people since I left my abusive ex. I have my guard up, I am very cautious and won’t just settle for anyone. I am so fussy, I have spoken to so many people on dating sites but only met up with a couple of them. The first guy, he was so slow moving, we dated (detail removed by Moderator). It took him a few dates for us to kiss and I kissed him, and it wasn’t passionate or anything. My heart pounded, I got anxious thinking he might not like me and I wasn’t good enough but nothing severe or anything (people have suggested I maybe didn’t experience quite as much anxiety with him due to him being so slow moving and not messaging me much/acting overly keen so it was more in my control?) Anyways I suffer from severe anxiety and other mental health difficulties including the trauma of my last abusive relationship (I think I have PTSD again). So (detail removed by Moderator) ago I met with this other guy after a short break from the other one, I thought oh I’ll give it a go as he’s local and I haven’t dated anyone local in a while so its more ideal with my anxiety and fears. My first initial thought was “He’s very good looking” he had a lovely smile etc and we spoke a lot but I had this fear nagging in the back of my mind. I then had a very bad day a couple of nights later and he popped in after work and he hugged me, the whole time he was hugging me I felt very uncomfortable, awkward and wanted the date to end. He then kissed me when I didn’t want to kiss/hoped he wouldn’t (the kiss was nice however) but I wasn’t comfortable and for some reason I wanted it all to end. I told the guy the same night how I felt, that I felt awkward, the whole cuddling, the kissing etc and he said sorry for doing it so soon and he said we’ve only met twice (as I was saying maybe we shouldn’t meet again) and I decided maybe I should give it one more try considering we had been complete strangers and only met once. So we agreed on a date to (detail removed by Moderator) as thought it was more casual. (He does know about my ex by the way I was honest straight away on the first date about my past with my ex though not gone into great detail) but yeah the (detail removed by Moderator) date went a lot better, I ended up linking arms with him when he didn’t try to get close to me and then I ended up kissing him goodbye which surprised me and I think really surprised him after what I’d said previously. The last three nights however I have experienced severe anxiety, two nights I couldn’t sleep. I keep thinking about my ex, I keep worrying that this anxiety, with how severe it is, is my intuition kicking in warning me about this new guy but he seems genuinely lovely so I don’t get it. I’ve tested him a lot already through text messages and I haven’t seen anything worrying but I am still really scared, anxious and can’t seem to shake it off. I tried pushing him away again the other night, I told him maybe we shouldn’t see each other again because I am having a very hard time, he just seemed concerned about me so I am still talking to him, as he was more concerned about me and what I was going through. Is this normal? Has anyone been through this when dating someone new they could potentially have a relationship with? Or should I be worried I feel this way? Even though he’s done nothing wrong. I don’t get why I wasn’t like this with the guy I dated for (detail removed by Moderator) but then again he’d message me maybe once per day, he’d go (detail removed by Moderator) weeks without seeing me at one point, he never tried to get close to me and when we kissed it was like he didn’t want to kiss me. He used my anxiety as an excuse to stop seeing me (though said he hoped things could develop again in the future) and then this local guy appears unexpectedly, I gave him a chance, the kissing is nice, we seem to get along very well, we talk a lot, he seems caring etc and I have laughed a lot on our dates together, so why am I so extremely anxious? Could this all just be fear because of how quickly he seems to be showing affection to me and falling for me? Most guys would have run by now but not him. I even told him I have a LOT of baggage and I said I am scared my anxiety will make him angry and he’ll hit me or be nasty to me, call me names and he said to me we all have baggage and he isn’t trying to blow his own trumpet but he isn’t a nasty person. And he doesn’t know how or why anyone would do that. What’s wrong with me? Is this just the after affects of abuse or am I going to get hurt again just because of this anxious feeling. Is it a warning or am I terrified to get close to someone again? I don’t think he’s shown any warning signs of hurting me or anything but I get worried about this whole intuition thing. I get severe anxiety over it, and over karma and spirituality, I just dunno if I should run or if its normal how I feel, has anyone been here before and experienced this? Sorry its long. It’d be far easier to run but obviously part of me is like what if I am running from someone who could make me potentially happy. Sometimes feel like it’d be easier to stay single even though I have hopes and dreams of a happy marriage one day.
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Hi Brave Rose,
Have you done the Freedom or Pattern Changing course?
It emphasises how you shouldn’t let a potential partner know about your past abuse/ vulnerabilities so early on.
Firstly, it protects you because if he turns out to be not so nice a person, he will have gained access to your vulnerabilities and could use them against you somehow. Also, it makes you feel less vulnerable if you have kept your cards a bit closer to your chest.
My advice would be to slow things down a bit. Focus on getting to know him a bit more as a person- his character. What qualities do you admire in him? Is he kind, a good listener, polite and respectful to you and to other people?
These are things which might sound very tedious when you are ready to focus on intimacy and passion, but moving slowly and looking at these things are important. Someone who can seem so ideal and who we feel an attraction to can turn out not to be, and as survivors we need to protect ourselves.
Take time to get to know him and talk through your anxieties with others who can support you. He might very well end up being the right person for you, but if he is, there’s no need to rush things.
One thing I have promised myself is that so will never lose myself in a relationship ever again, and that means taking control of my emotions and my desire to give too much!
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Well done for dating a few people BraveRose, I’m not ready myself yet. Our trust radars have been messed with and are on alert hey – we are unsure whether to trust or not – is one of the effects of being in a traumatic relationship. I mean, I don’t think any of us could have seen it coming could we? So this does play with the mind – is he lovely? Or playing at being lovely to get what he wants? Guessing it is always better to have to trust though than doubt, but to learn to also listen to what feels right for us and what is not – it’s ok to talk about this though isn’t it to see how we are responded to – and it sounds like you are doing that. Made up for you that you have kept going. Yes, I was thinking that unless something develops over time say with someone at work, then the date thing can be stressful for some when meeting for the first time – it does sound like it’s about moving at a pace that suits you. I’m not going to do the on-line dating thing when I’m ready, way too stressful for me that first meeting. Think I will just attend lots of different social meet ups where folk go for a shared interest – see whose there, a lot less intense. Keep going – it is about kissing a lot of frogs hey – it would be unlikely he’s the first chap to come along. Keep going x
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Hi, I’m new to forum. I rushed into dating and it ended up being a sex thing only for him regardless of all the nice things he said. We went out for a meal but it always ended in bed and him leaving early the next morning. I enjoyed the attention but deep down I knew it wasn’t what I wanted it to be. It was my first attempt at dating and it was not good yet I still miss him. I went into dating to early and became obsessed with this guy. I think I was lonely and needy. I am now dealing with my own emotions. I too had very high anxiety levels that spiralled out of control and I still get anxious now. When I realised it was sex and not a relationship I got really ill as I felt used. I would love to meet someone who respects and cares but I need to be those things to myself first. Which is not easy.
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It’s hard, isn’t it, Will Cope On My Own?
What strikes me about all the ladies here are that they are all very compassionate people with a moral compass. They have unfortunately met men who don’t equate them at all in terms of character. There seems to be a lot of men out there who are sex and power hungry, selfish, dishonest, etc.
I’m not ready for a relationship yet, but when I am, I will try (I hope) to look at someone’s character. Not towards me ( men can charm ) but how they treat others who are more vulnerable, how they treat people who can’t benefit them, how they respond in situations where they have a free choice in doing the ‘right thing.’
Their character is important even for casual dating. Any disrespect shown to you can really marr your confidence. It’s important to steer completely clear of men whose characters are questionable, not least because their behaviour generally worsens over time.
I married someone who I now realise had no moral compass, and took advantage of people ( he hid this mainly). It goes hand in hand that if they treat others badly, they will
treat you badly when you stop fulfilling one of their needs. What we need is a man who respects all human life- who treats others with respect.I am over the handsome, charmer type who is nothing but hot air and has no substance, and who will fall or mistreat a woman at the first hurdle or when life gets a bit tough.
It’s hard finding a man of principles, a man of true courage. But I would 100% rather be on my own than sacrifice any time for someone less than this.
I might go on a few dates, but I won’t get heavy or reveal anything about my past in the early stages.
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Thanks Serenity. I should of waited and got used to being on my own but I rushed in. The typical scenario when friends tell you to get on the dating scene, esp online dating. I hadn’t discovered this forum till recently but I now know I should not reveal my past and display my vulnerabilities. I agree we are all kind and compassionate women which also makes us a target for some men out there. I have no idea how to tell who is genuine and who isn’t. I’m far to trusting and naive really. I also hate the thought of being on my own in the future. I need to learn to cope with being on my own but I struggle and I’m trying to keep the anxiety at bay. Every day is a struggle
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Sometimes our friends have the best intentions but if they’ve not been in an abusive relationship, their advice can be misplaced.
Date when you feel ready – theres no rule book that says you need a man in your life right now.
The Freedom Program if you’ve not been on it is very useful for teaching you how to spot warning signs of potential abusers. You’ll also be with people who understand your experiences and fears.
In the meantime, are there any hobbies you have or would like to do that could broaden your horizons and get you used to talking to men again without the pressure of a date situation?
The website MeetUp.Com has lots of interest groups all over the country. I’ve met some lovely people and a lot of the activities I’ve participated in have cost me the price of a cup of tea.
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