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Hi,
I am not in that position but if I was I would definitely take advantage of Clares law that tells you about any previous DV history. Better to be safe than sorry. It reduces the risk of a replay at least. x
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Hi Hun
I think all of us ready at different times, i thought after few months i was ready, lol i clearly wasnt, so id just tell guys my story , got there symapthy but then they took advantage of my vunerability and thought yeah lets sleep with her, they didnt realize how mess up an abuser can make u , i just totally back off and didnt let any one sleep with me, im naturally chatting and ahve always got on with guys, so i then tried a new technique, just chatted with them ,became friends but wouldnt let anyone get close, im now nearly two years out and i m ready to date, but i know i still feel so scared to let anyone in to my heart againso thats a challenge as i wont give the giys a chance, but then hey maybe thats a sign mr right still hasnt come infront of me, im very strict on the fact i wont tell no guy about my past as i feel they will take advantage , when the right person comes i will consider telling him, as whoever gets me is gonna have to be so patient
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Some advice I have picked up from reading this forumn and other sources.
Take it slow and if he respects you and really wants YOU and not just ‘the other’ – he will take it slow as well.
Beware of guys who love bomb in the early days – normal guys don’t do this because they also want time to get to know you before declaring their undying love, buying you gifts etc.. Its so easy to get trapped by this when you have been without real affection for so long.
Decide your boundaries and stick to them, again if he does not respect boundaries he does not respect you.
Listen to your head, how does he really make you feel? I was seeing someone and although I don’t bleieve he is a true absuser i spent a lot of time feeling bad about myself, inadequate, I realised he never really heard anything I said. He liked to know I was available to him but was not available to me in the same way.
If you stop seeing someone, really stop. I made the mistake of ending it but responding again when he contacted me because I was lonely and wanted to feel wanted. I now remind myself that i feel worse with him than with out him!
Recognise that your subconcious is very powerful. Our normal is being mistreated. So we subconiously recognise that scenario and respond to it. Although it makes us feel bad it is somehow ‘comfortable’. The guy I mentioned above is a dilluted version of an abuser, I kept going back because the bad feeling was a feeling I ‘knew’. Try and stay concious of this.
The last thing I tell myself is to count my blessings and remember that I would rather be single and a bit lonely than in another c**p relationship being fed titbits of love now and then while I tiptoe around and dodge the abuse.
I am worth more than that and so you are you (all) !! xxxxxxxx
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Firstly DV/DA organizations recommend waiting two years after the last abusive contact. If the abuse is ongoing through the children or court system, the last thing you need is focusing on maintaining a romantic relationship. Abusers often go off the rails to make false allegations about your new partner to state that they are inappropriate to be around their children. Then you and your partner both will be interviewed with social services. Be extremely cautious especially if you have children.
Secondly, you have to be a woman who can cope on her own. you have to be confident strong and self assured because you have to be even more assertive the more vulnerable you are. You have to be a woman who is not ashamed of her past and accepts it and does not allow her past to hold her back and also not allow anyone to use her past against her. you have to be a woman who will refuse moving in with a man. I know many people in committed relationships who do not live together. You have to be a woman who is very independent even if it means being a single mother. You have to be woman who puts herself and her children first the majority of the time. any man who complains about any of these things should be shown the door and you have to be capable of showing them the door.
make sure things go extremely slow. make sure you know what are red flags.
So far I refuse to commit. I’m not looking for Mr. Right, the One or Prince Charming. I started dating at twenty months out but I have no children and had a year’s counselling and I continue to attend a women’s group more than two years out. I have always been independent and lived on my own before. I was in the abusive relationship for less than a decade and because I was able to identify it immediately as a trauma, I started receiving mental health help for it almost straight away. I also had previous coping strategies learnt for my pre existing BPD/EUPD/EID. I have been able to maintain a good financial standing and a parttime job and I haven’t had to be dragged through by the courts or social services. I have a strong support network around me and I’m not isolated.
Look out for red flags on dates. I date several men at once so (1) I can get rid of the controlling ones and (2) I can compare and contrast reactions and behaviours in similar dating scenarios. Abusers won’t be able to handle the fact that I go on dates with other men and they won’t be able to tell me that my behaviour is wrong when my behaviour causes no problems for other men. it’s them who is the problem.
I have very strict boundaries, I have seperate phone and email account strictly for dating. I don’t add them to my personal social media accounts and they don’t know where I live or work.
If you are considering dating, please consider where you are in your recovery. If your recovery doesn’t look like close to mine, you have more healing work to do before becoming psychologically and physically intimate with a man. Yes even a date creates and intimate interaction between to people. who wants to go on a date and then feel awkward and uncomfortable. I’d rather be at home in the tub with a glass of wine reading a trashing magazine and the kids in bed!
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My mum had a hurtful marriage.
She’s never wanted anyone else. We could not understand it and tried to encourage her to ( she’s become quite hard and tough as a result of my dad hurting her).
But now I can understand how she feels. Though I don’t think I have become hard and I am happy to give to friends, family and children especially, I can’t imagine ever giving like I did in my relationship, ever again, or trusting so much romantically.
I might date, but I won’t sacrifice myself like I did ever again, or try to placate an aggressive man, or think I need to rescue a grown man. No thank you.
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I met my partner not long after my abusive relationship. I found it ok, apart from when things got physical if you know what I mean. I was afraid to touch him in an affectionate way, coz with my ex there was no such thing. It was sex or sex with him. Now that I realise I am not in danger of sexual assault I feel 100% relaxed. I think it took me three months to be able to touch him without being scared. He was the first date I went on after the abuse. I do remember a while back he slipped and twisted his knee. It was the first time I heard him shout and I ran away crying. The instinct to expect abuse will always be there but I just keep reminding myself of the differences from abusive to non abusive. It is possible to be happy with someone after abuse.
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