Dating/new relatonship

[Hopingforpeace]

Hi ladies, i was wondering if any of you have tried dating or a new relationship since your abusive ex and how you handled it? Did you find that certain things, gestures, body language made you uncomfortable because of things your ex used to do to intimidate you? How did you deal with this?

[KIP.]

Hi, I was advised to wait at least two years (mine was a long relationship) and I’m glad I did. If you’re recovered and confident enough, the worry of triggers is not really an issue. I would work on your own confidence. I had a couple of dates and knew right away that I just wasn’t ready. You want the butterflies of excitement on a date, not the knot of dread. Make sure you are well recovered and in charge and it should all run smoothly ❤️

[Hopingforpeace]

KIP, thank you for your response. Have you been in a relationship since your ex? I have been out quite a bit longer than two years. I’ve had intensive counselling, completed freedom programme etc. Even when fully recovered I was advised that there will be things especially in a new relationship that will be triggers. As you were so used to being treated a certain way before and no matter how much help you have had, it will still be there, it’s how you deal with it. I know how to deal with them in terms of coping with them myself if I was in that situation, I guess what I was asking was would you tell the guy you were seeing or would in time the triggers stop happening? Also you say as long as you are in charge you will be ok? What do you mean by that? I hope if Im in a new relationship that it is equal. However I do have concern that I may wish to be more in control of things as never had control in past. I’m not sure. I feel ready but obviously have some concerns. I’m looking for ladies who have been there and how they found it x

[chocolatefudgecake]

Blue skies- ive wondered this myself aswell, ive personally found myself going back to guys who i were talking to before my abusive ex, i doubt its doing me any favours as i know what there like.
I find also that i look for flaws in guys and find myself saying things out loud at them especially people on the tele. Here is a prime example.. A guy came into my work today and he was clearly trying to make eye contact but i could look at him intill he was outside then i checked him out, another example is ive had a crush on guy who works two doors away from me he is always in my work, i could never make eye contact or talk to him, on bad days i wont but just recently i was dared to ask him out for a drink but instead i walked up to him and asked him what he was doing when it was clear what it was he was doing. I have zero confidence, i just think whats the point they wont want me, im too fat etc. Though i do wear make up and do my hair some days

[Ayanna]

No. Life is much better without any man in it.

[WalkerInTheRain]

I tried dating and went on a couple of good dates but I just wasn’t ready for it.
I decided to expand my own horizons and do lots of things that I enjoy. I’m working on the cake before tying to find the icing to top it!

Have a think about how you want to meet people. Some websites you are just open to unsolicited contact and you can get bombarded. Some people on the app based sites can just treat you as a commodity. If you go down the web route, find things in common but I wouldn’t spend ages chatting online as it can lead to a false sense of intimacy.
Alternatively, there is a site called MeetUp which is mainly a hobbies/friendship site but it might be beneficial to get out there and start conversations with strangers to start with without the pressure of a date situation.

Remember your personal safety and trust your gut feel about someone.

[SaharaD]

I have been dating different men for a while now. I don’t feel ready for a relationship. probably because 1. I am yet to tackle my divorce, and 2: I still don’t feel mentally strong enough and 3. I want to do things for myself not focus on a man.

I attend various social groups but I don’t want to start dating men in those social groups adn I know if it goes wrong I will lose that social group.

I use a dating app which I am ok with but I make it very clear that I’m a very independent woman and I won’t put up with anything less than gentlemanly behaviour. I never drink too much on these dates as I believe that I need my wits about me. I do trust my gut and try to look after my personal safety, I have a personal alarm. I date different men so that I can compare and contrast their behaviour. I always meet in a public place and I never stay over night. (disturbingly I’ve heard too many stories of sleep rape.) I also find that I can get rid of the possessive controling men by letting them know that I date other men. I let my friends know where I have gone.

I don’t tell them anything about where I live or work or the abuse or my mental health. I do not want to appear vulnerable in any way. I use public transport or take a taxi and they never come back to my flat. Ever! I have a different phone and email address for the dates. I don’t tend to contact them a lot outside of the date so it’s all compartmentalized in the date. “how my week was, any new things, what going on with the weather and in the world etc”. I only see a man on a date once a week. No more than that. I think it stops infatuation. and it’s hard to love bomb someone what you don’t have constant contact with them.

This so far works for me and suits how I feel about myself and about men currently. It may change or it may not change. You just have to do what is right for you and be very conscious of protecting yourself from any kind of potential abuser , Protect yourself, physically((personal alarm, self defence techniques, public meeting, letting friends know where you are, make a plan if you are stranded so you don’t have to go with them if you don’t want to and unwanted touching), psychologically (emotions and mental thinking), spiritually(stick to your boundaries and values and identity), financially( do not reveal your financial situation and do not accept financial assistance from men you are dating it’s inappropriate) and sexually (be vocal in what you will and will not tolerate sexually and practice good sexual and reproductive health)

If all this seems too much, then maybe you are not ready and it’s better to be happy alone than unhappy with someone else.

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