Daughter is against me

[Catjam]

When I initially spoke to my kids and told them I was unhappy and planning on leaving their dad, all 3 said they would support us both. Fast forward and my eldest is refusing to speak to me and has taken over the house finances and has accused me of stealing from her dad. She has even bought financial records somehow to back her up. I’m appalled and so hurt.
Her dad has said he doesn’t care if I have as he just wants me back.
How can she accuse me of such things? I thought we had a good relationship, she was angry about the way I left as I decided not to include her in my plans as she lives a fair distance away and she has a better relationship with her dad and I worried she would tell him I was off.
She even told me she has arranged abuse counselling for him telling the counsellor that her dad has control issues and is extremely jealous. So even knowing all this she still accuses me. I honestly don’t know her anymore and I worry that when I come to separate from him officially she will use all her skills to see I don’t get a penny.

[KIP.]

I went through this with my adult child. My adult step child disowned me after being very close for years. Your abuser will be using them and turning them against you. That and I think they resent the fact that they now have to deal with him. Before that they were happy for me to take the abuse as he left them alone. You need to protect yourself. Legally get advice. Victim blaming is such a terrible thing especially when it comes from your own child. Keep the lines of communication open but I’d refuse to involve her in your relationship. I told my son it was dreadful that his dad had dragged him into this and it was none of his business. Sadly some children learn behaviour from their abusive parent. She won’t listen to reason. Her mind is made up so protect yourself from them both x set boundaries and stick to them

[Catjam]

Thanks for your replies. I knew things were going to be tough but I think I was hoping that the issues would only be from him and not the girls too.
I did wonder if some of it stemmed from suddenly having to give up her life to look after him, we used to see her once a month maybe twice now she is seeing him every weekend. It does hurt she hasn’t been in touch with me though.
I just feel like After decades of trying to justify and explain everything to him now suddenly he doesn’t care and it’s her who demands answers. I just don’t have the energy to cope with that.
I know that I haven’t done anything wrong and I also made the decision when I left to be as fair as possible. I filled his cupboards, ordered any medication. More so I could walk away feeling I had done right.
My daughter gets married later in the year and she is a little bit uptight about it so I also wondered if she was worried about that now. How her dad and I will be, I had wanted to wait until after this event but I reached a point where I realised if I didn’t get out now I never would.
Add in being conflicted about whether he was as bad as I think it’s making life really hard.

[Eggshells]

Hi Catjam,

I know how heartbreaking this can be. My sons both agreed I should leave and actually encouraged me. When I did leave, my eldest came around to my house, absolutely furious that I have left and taken some bits and pieces with me without agreeing with his Dad what I could have.

I pointed out the facts, that my son had agreed I should leave and understood why. I asked him to look around him at what I had, tiny rented house with essential furniture (most bought myself and not taken from the family home) and then pointed out what his Dad had ((detail removed by Moderator) bedroom house still stuffed with furniture and free to live in. I then pointed out that if I had discussed it with his Dad I’d have come away with nothing and I asked him to reflect on what his Dad had said to him to prove this.

I didn’t actually know what his Dad had said but he had obviously been working on my son to get this response.

It took seconds for my son to think it over and recognise that his Dad had manipulated him.

He moved in with me soon after and is still with me now.

Ofcourse, I don’t know the dynamic of your relationship with your daughter. Can you try not to argue with your daughter but do remind her that she agreed that you should leave? Point out what you did to make sure her Dad would be OK.

Ask what has happened to make her feel this way and point out that her Dad is an adult and that he can look after himself just like you are looking after yourself. She doesn’t have to step in and become his new feed.

Address any concerns she has openly and honestly and keep it in the context that this was and still is an abusive relationship. He won’t stop trying to abuse you just because you have left, in fact it will get worse because he’s angry. Ask your daughter to be aware of that and to be aware of how he might use her to enable the abuse. Your children are now the greatest weapon he has against you and he’s using them already!

[Catjam]

My eldest wont even see me. She is still upset and annoyed that I didn’t share my plans on leaving. I’m hurt and angry. Plus today I was asked to take my grandson home early because she was coming over. I understand she wants to see him but why couldn’t she come here for a visit? But its to be with her dad. Its like I am the bad guy and treated him badly all these years. Of course he is suddenly being the amazing dad and grandparent. I am feeling really lonely and beginning to wonder if i did the right thing.

[Headspin]

Oh Catjam, this is so hard for you. My heart goes out to you. Trust your instincts, if you were miserable and he was abusive, why would you want to go back? You probably feel very betrayed by your daughter, but don’t lose hope! She is probably in shock, is stressed out, has heard her Dad’s tale of woe and probably feels that as the oldest she has to sort it all out and blames you, after all (in her head) had you not left she wouldn’t be in this awkward position. Remember, you were fooled by him for a long time too. It’s not fair I know. Could you email her or send her a text? You said you had a good relationship, so build on that. Just acknowledge how proud you are of her, she’s stepped up to help your Dad with his anger issues and how difficult that must have been, don’t complain about how unfair it is that you’re being accused of stealing from. Point out that, there is clearly a misunderstanding regarding finances and over time that will become clearer. Tell her she is a credit to you and your father, and just keep sending the love and good thoughts to her.

[Catjam]

Hi, thanks for the messages. I have been feeling very sorry for myself. It’s hard to step out of it. I need to talk to her but unfortunately I can’t mention the finance as her sister told me but she wasn’t meant to. She was confused about it all and decided to ask me outright. I think she believes me but is scared about me confronting her sister about it all.
Clearly living in this family has made us all paranoid and unable to communicate properly. All I can hope is that one day my relationship with them improves.

[Author]

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