Day 5 of being free!

[Survivingemotionalabuse]

Hello everyone

I have been with my husband for (time frame removed by moderator) We have 4 children between us. (detail removed by moderator)

for the first (time frame removed by moderator) he pretended to be the perfect man. Telling white lies about his DOB for eg and pretending to like certain tv shows that I did. He was kind and love bombed me – obviously I didn’t realise this is what it was at the time! After this time he slowly started revealing his true personality. Calling me names, staying out all night drinking and me not knowing where he was. Controlling ie didn’t like me going to the gym or for nights out. I was very slim when I met him and enrolled at uni trying to build my life up after leaving my son’s dad. I graduated and got good job in dentistry, earning enough to support me and my children independently. He then let me pay all of the bills and gave me limited access to money. We were out one night and he pushed me over. There were witnesses and he got arrested. On another occasion he put his hands round my throat. (detail removed by moderator)

I got pregnant and the emotional abuse got worse. I thought because we were tired/ stressed. The things he would say to me are horrific. I started keeping a diary as I was so tired he would say no no I didn’t say that, I thought I was going mad! Some of the things he said to me after I had the baby; You fat c**t You shouldn’t be looking after anything You’ve done nowt all day
If you mention that scar once more time – days after c section
I would bring up these things to him, he would apologise, be ok for a few days then it would start again. He also did the bare minimum in the house and with childcare and when confronted it would turn into a huge row so basically he was conditioning me not to ask!

(detail removed by moderator), looking after all the kids and running my business, I had to give it up as I could not cope. Recently I have been so poorly. Had lots of tests which all came back negative. I honestly believe I’ve been living in constant fight/ flight/ play dead mode for years! I was ringing in sick to work all the time and would think to myself I hope I die in my sleep I don’t want to wake up. My head would be like a bowling ball on the mornings I just couldn’t lift it off the pillow. In the end I had to give up my job I’ve worked so hard for! This was a few weeks ago. I was at rock bottom and just was doing the bare minimum for my kids and home and sleeping all day. I promised myself the next time he was awful to me would be the last. (time frame removed by moderator) He was in a mood all day because of work (detail removed by moderator) so I suspect this is why and he was taking the work stress out on me. Anyway, I asked him to leave but he wouldn’t and was trying to push his way into the bedroom where I’d locked me and the kids. I rang the police. They arrested him for coercive control. I said I don’t want to press charges as this would just anger him and I want him to see his daughter and pay maintenance.

since the split, I found out

1. He rang his ex girlfriend (my stepdaughters mum) to pick him up from the police station at 11pm at night and hours drive away

(detail removed by moderator)

3. he told the police in the interview to tell me to tell my 2 older children who aren’t his not to contact him! He’s brought them up for (time frame removed by moderator) and doesn’t want to speak to them ever again

4. he has dogs in kennels at the bottom of our garden and when I’ve gone and looked they were filthy

I know I’ve done the right thing in leaving him, but these last few days have been so hard and confusing. Our toddler keeps asking for daddy. I’m worried re finances. Have app with (service removed by moderator) (woman’s refuge type charity) today and at job centre tomorrow so hopefully I’ll get some help. It’s like o was in love with the fairy tale of a husband and family life but that’s not actually what I had! I’m now mourning the loss of that dream. I have 3 kids to 3 different men, no job, my card just broke, I live in a rented house, no savings and I’m fat at least 2 stone overweight nearly 40! He’s had the best years of my life and ruined me!

sorry for this big rant if you have read all this tank you! Any replies would be much appreciated thank you x x

[InShock]

I’m so sorry to hear this. It hurts so much as when we marry someone we do it for love and a family, but for abusers it’s a gateway to exert extra control. Well done for getting out of that situation. I don’t think if charges were brought, that this necessarily can stop child contact. May I ask, were the other two fathers abusive also? By the way, have you heard of The Freedom Programme? Recommend.

Nearly 40? You’re still young. Once you start healing you may well find you are getting back into shape. Please take some time for self care daily or doing little things that make you happy.

[bluebird28]

stay strong, we get broke, we can mend ourselves, he sounds nasty, we have to wake up and get the help we need,i feel like they drive us to a mental breakdown, this is how i haev felt too, you can do this, my partner has been so overly nice recently knowing i have had enough etc and i am not changing my mind, this is what they do to us

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