Dealing with anger

[Unsureofwhattodo]

I’m very angry about what happened in my abusive relationship. I’m angry at myself for not reporting the beatings. I’m angry at myself for not telling people and angry for protecting him. I’m angry I lent him thousands of dollars which I don’t think I will ever get back. I’m angry every time I exercise and feel residual pain from an injury he caused. I’m angry that there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do to make any of it make any sense.
Does the anger go away? I don’t need to forgive him for what’s happened. But I need to find a way to forgive myself.

[KIP.]

You have nothing to forgive yourself for, none of us on here have. We are good decent honest people who were abused by monsters. That’s not our fault. While you carry the guilt, he doesn’t have to. Yes the anger eventually goes. I found just accepting that feeling of anger then picturing a red ballon full of my anger and watch it disappear. I channel my energy into raising awareness which I find healing. Once you’re ready, perhaps you could do something along those lines. Sponsored walk for your local refuge etc. Most of all be very kind to yourself x

[Lisa]

Hi Unsureofwhattodo

I just wanted to show you some support tonight. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but remember that the reason you didn’t report to the police or tell people was because you were probably scared and at that time doing those things may not have felt like safe options.

Many women find that the Freedom programme helps them to make sense of the abuse, by learning about perpetrator tactics and behaviours.

You are totally justified feeling angry with him for all he has done to you, but you haven’t done anything wrong.

You may find it useful to have some specialist DV counselling if the service in your area offers this, to help work through how you are feeling.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Unsureofwhattodo, don’t fight your anger, just let it work it’s way through you💜 that will be the healthiest way to allow it to leave you. But don’t in any way blame yourself for what he did to you, your body/mind will have naturally protected you in the decisions you chose to take. We do what we do to survive. #vikingsshieldmaidens

IWMB 💕💕

[Ayanna]

Hi Unsureofwhattodo, I was extremely angry for a very long time and even these days I feel enormous anger sometimes.
I could not hold it back and screamed it out at the top of my voice.
Sometimes I went to the park and screamed until I had no voice left.
This does not happen as often as it used to happen any more.
The anger subsides over time as other things become more important slowly.
I do not believe in this whole forgiveness thing.
I loved that man and was fully committed to him. Therefore I did what I could to make the relationship work.
I rather believe in learning to see the signs, the red flags, so that we can leave early, before any harm happens.
In the end we do not choose to be abused, it is the abuser who is at fault.
And also, I can highly recommend the Freedom Programme, as Lisa said.
It is an amazing course that will help you for life and make you stronger.

[Unsureofwhattodo]

Thank you everyone for your suggestions, and also for a level of understanding that I don’t feel I could get from people that do not have experience with abuse themselves.
I’m signed up for DV counselling in my area, just waiting for a couple programs to start. I know I’ll be more comfortable talking about it with fellow survivors.
I don’t blame myself for what happened. I know he was/is an abuser and his behaviour is a result of him not anything I did. I was brainwashed into needing him, fearing him, and what seems the most messed up to me now is fearing NOT being with him. I didn’t think I could survive without him.
Gladly that had passed, and I know I’m so much better and stronger now that I have cut him out of my life completely.
I just have regret of not nailing his butt to the wall and sending him to jail.

[KIP.]

It’s never too late to give a statement to the police. Your statement may back up another victim. And there may already be other victims who have already reported him. It all paints a bigger picture. It’s not your word against his when there are other victims.

[Author]

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