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Was talking to an old wise friend today and she said something that struck a chord with me.
You’re living in chaos, feel chaotic, because this is what he creates – chaos yes?
Accept this is how you feel.
Part of the difficulty only arises because you expect to know what you should do here; but that time has yet to come in that instant; it feels uncomfotable so you want out of it – yet we all feel chaos from time to time yes in many different situations?
Accpet you are in chaos in that moment, that you will make sense of it and do what is needed when you have all the information you need.
Wise woman.
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It’s hard not to let the crazy making send us into a tail spin fizz. I can remember getting emails from his solicitor and being at work and just freezing. Not able to think anymore. Then I learned just do nothing when this comes over us. I learned to deal with it as it was literally thrown at us. The tail spin is how they want to see us. Don’t give them that I learned to keep a steely exterior although I was shaking abit inside! Then on the final court appearance when I saw him I laughed along side the woman who accompanied me like I didn’t have a care in the world. It felt good not to step into the crazy xx 😘
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Oh yes, holding that thought, that once this is done I wont have to see him or deal with his nonsense again – fingers crossed. I like that DM, that you learnt to do nothing, always feel if I dont know what to do in any other situation I do nothing, because I know the answer presents itself when I have all the info I need. I like knowing that feeling in chaos is actually a very natural way to feel when dealing with these men as that is what they create. I think knowing this will help me to stand still and do nothing, feel the chaos and simply recognise it for what it is and why I feel this way so it will come and go alot sooner.
Step away from the crazy for me means dont buy into his delusional world in anyway and yes helps to simply not go there – to control my emotions and not react, buys me time to respond – it worked beautifully for me when dealing with the script my mother always gave me so much so that this has now changed, it’s like she actually finally gets it these days, it’s like I’ve set the bar for how we communicate, as two adults, I’m not the naughty little child – I never really was. I expect respect from her, an unpsoken respect, I dont demand it or pull her up if she’s being absurd, rather I give her respect and simply dont respond to anything else other than respect – it really worked x
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Hi Fizzy 😊
A wise trauma therapist once said something similar to me that probably saved my life…….
“Just sit there for a while in all your sh*t. Stop trying to fix it and just sit and be with it.”
Rather unconventional to be told this but I went with it. As I sat there in my metaphorical sh*t I realised it wasn’t my sh*t to fix, it was his.
X*x
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It really does take practice! I’m still learning to take a step backwards and look at the situation from a different perspective…..his conditioning is so entrenched that it’s like I’m learning a whole new truth!
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Sure does Escapee, and even when I come face to face with him on a rare occassion his sheer presence can put me into a spin, it will do though wont it, after everything he’s done to me, same for you and all of us, think it’s important to accept how I feel, see this is a normal reaction and to give myself what I need – and not to react from it x
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Escape that is the absolute truth, and where I am at also. You really have hit the nail on the head.
Also the chaos is not really chaos, it is a projection of how the perpetrator is internally, with a diminished sense of self and distorted perception and sheer malice driving the actions against women. They are exhausting because we spend so much energy in trying to make sense of this and straighten things out and keeping life on an even keel.
I have started not responding to the chaotic stuff. He left me high and dry tonight, in a cold wet dark dangerous place, had to see our adult child. I ended up resolving it at great expense, and never asked him why he had not turned up or answered my calls when I finally got home. Because I know why and feeding into it gives him energy. That was the last thing I have ever done with himeven if it was a supposed joint thing as parents, but he doesn’t know that yet.
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For me the chaos is very real as it is the stuff he creates that I do have to deal with C. So for example, state intrusion, dealing with others, like the police, attending to my daughter’s anger, all the stuff I need to do after he has created chaos – the problem – that has arisen as a direct result of his behaviour and actions, usually with no consideration for anyone else yes.
Reacting from my emotions, reliving trauma, panic, fear, feeling intimidated, scared or frightened, getting angry at what he’s said or done now, when dealing with him – this is his crazy, the delusional world he has created, the fear he tries to incite to gain control over us. This I can now not react to, I either dont buy into it whatsoever so it doesnt bother me, or I ride it out, let it pass, which it does do now quickly, it’s more like dread hitting, a shot of angst, a spin, I do nothing here now bar feel it, recognise what it is and breath, I respond to myself in the way I need to – so I don’t react, because reactng is buying into his delusional story and this only keeps it going x
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