Dealing with children post separation

[Mommabear]

Hi everyone,

Happy new year! I am praying that 2020 is better than 2019, but then again, it is the year that I managed to break free from an abusive relationship…..

It’s now been (detail removed by moderator) since my ex left our property, I have two pre-pubescent girls who are lovely but I have to admit that I am struggling with (or maybe it’s just the voices in my head, post hangover from all of the years that he told me I was a bad mother).

Basically, as he has been so harsh with them over the years, I have become the other way. I have a great relationship with them both and we talk loads but I fear I am being too lenient with them.

My eldest daughter is very sensitive and seems out of sorts, she does a lot of sport but she isn’t eating enough. Food has always been an issue for her (since a baby) and she’s very slim. She does eat but can be picky and fussy. My youngest daughter is quite fesity and can have horrible outbursts where she calls me names (I can hear his voice).

The question is, how do I know whether I am being too lenient or not? My friends and family tell me I am a great mum and the girls are doing well at school and sport, but I am doubting myself, mainly because of the fact that he told me that I am too soft and because I am worried about the affect all of this has had and is continuing to have on them. I feel so relieved that he has gone and I am looking forward to my future but I can’t get his criticism out of my head.

How have you all dealt with this? Any tips gratefully received

Mommabear xxxx

[maddog]

Mommabear, I just felt the air on your behalf. Wow! What amazing progress you are making! Don’t be afraid to ask for help with the children as and when you find yourself struggling. I was referred to a Family support worker who was wonderful. She made a huge difference both to me and more importantly the children.

When our boundaries have been so violated it seems difficult to know where we begin and end. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being kind and loving, which you are. Remember that and write something like it down where you can see it every day. It is obviously not ok to let the children put their fingers on the hob or pour boiling water over each other. Bullying is also not ok and the children may need a bit of extra help if this is part of the family dynamic. Women’s Aid can help you through all this.

I let my kids climb trees even though it makes my knees go weak. I want them to find their own edges within certain perimeters. Those perimeters are decided by me. The same goes for you.

When people tell you that you’re a good mum, believe them. They mean it. Don’t let your abuser’s voice control you. Your family and friends hold your back, not your abuser. Now it’s your turn.

Well done you fantastic woman!

[Mommabear]

Hi Maddog,

Thank you for your message – you have made me cry!

I had a WA support worker until the end of last year but as she thought I was doing so well, I got signed off.

It’s a tricky one because he has contact with them and has actually become a better father since our split. That said, my eldest daughter came home in tears over Xmas because she missed me so much and because his mother was being controlling.(detail removed by moderator) but he said he was busy. They look forward to seeing him and they seem to have a good time with him so I don’t want to muddy that if that makes sense.

Maybe, I need counselling also? I guess he has controlled my life for so long that I am still under his spell? Maybe the children do need some help, I guess being brought up in this environment will have had a knock on effect on them and potentially it’s a bomb waiting to explode?

It feels like I still have so much weight on my shoulders…..

Tomorrow is back to school and back to work so maybe it’s just that time of year….

Mommabear x*x

[diymum@1]

I will admit in the past I was a permissive parent when I was still with my ex just to try to keep the peace really. Once we’re out momma bear it feels like the onus is on us to be mum and dad in the house hold. I realised that once our kids see us recover so do they but it can take time. With boundaries having consequences and teaching respect again. Because inevitably children who witness DV learn to disrespect from there dads. Show them examples off respect when you can drum morals into them and they’ll be fine xx a soft approach can be as detrimental as too strict. I read a book recently about how kids are becoming more and more entitled xx it’s called me me me generation. It offers good tips on parenting xx

[Mommabear]

Thanks diymum@1. This afternoon, they asked for sweets and to be fair it’s the last day of the holidays and they haven’t had many over Xmas. Before going to get them I had a chat with them both about being respectful and nice to me, I didn’t tell them off, I just reminded them that sweets are a treat. My youngest was rude to me this morning (i did get her up at the crack of dawn for a netball match) but had since apologized. I don’t want to be too strict but equally I don’t want them to walk all over me…..I find it such a hard balance between not punishing them every time they do something wrong (which is what my ex did) and reminding them about being kind.

They are good kids, they really are. I don’t want to crush their spirit every time they are slightly out of line but equally I don’t want to let them get away with murder…..

Mommabear xxxx

[fizzylem]

Hi MB, I would say it’s only a few months since he left, so a bit of relaxation of the rules is fine and needed; everyone is grieving so everything feels harder to achieve right now and the girls likely don’t really understand what has happened, why and how they feel about it all – this a period of adjustment for you all and time to find your feet again.

Children develop in different areas at different times, I hear your concern about one of them not eating, so I would try and tackle this one thing, slowly, over the next year, to help set her up for this form of self care for the future, eating healthily – and this can take a while with some of them. She probably doesnt need to eat much, as long as it’s healthy, kids come in all sizes don’t they. Read around the best way to approach it, usually best not to make it an issue and get her involved in preparing the meals, slowly getting her to think about what is a balanced, healthy meal and what fuel my body needs – you’re half way there already if she is a keen athelete hey, as she could improve performance with the right fuel.

Like you, she likely feels she need to take back some control here, so be mindful of this, respect her choices, even when they are not the best – the most important thing is that she feels in control of what she eats – it becomes a self empowering process with the goal being she chooses to eat healthily for herself.

Sounds like they are doing well at school and at sport and this is thanks to you isnt it – I personally feel that if they are active and engaged in sport frequently this is one huge tick and central to healthy functioning and well-being – learning to take good care of the self.

I find being a single parent we need support, sometimes families fucntion quite well with a bit of a bad cop good cop sytle of parenting, someone to spell out what behaviour needs crrecting here, the parent the child can feel mad with for a time, then the other parent to scoop them up and empathise, help them to calmly see what needs to happen here and next.

Is it that you’re noticing now the yang has gone and thinking / feeling do they need a bit of both? Only this could be because you are still in this period of adjusting and finding your way as a mother again with this change – have become mindful a slightly different approach may be needed now ‘ team 3 of us now’.

You can parent and parent well but it sounds to me like you’re in a period of adjuestment, working out how best to parent them with this change – and at present feeling a bit out of your depth, you are recovering yourself as well. You will get there though, just give it a bit a time and your thoughts when needed, as you are.

You also need to pull in and shape your support, get the family to support you and your parenting, the what you are doing and trying to achieve with the girls – when the family are with the girls, to drive home the same messages in different ways – friends can also do this and would be happy to help if you ask – sometimes the same message needs to be heard in different places hey.

We often feel we are failing as a parent and when this happens it it isnt because we are, it is because we need more support; read Winnicotts theory on ‘the good enough mother’ – Winnicott recognises this, that all mum’s need a third leg, doesnt matter who this is and this support can come from many, but when we dont have enough support we feel we’re failing when all we really need is a bit more support. You’ve heard the phrase it takes a village to raise to a child yes? So true, they learn form many people, places and experiences.

You will get there, try to stick with the routines but also try and recognise when it’s one of those times to relax a bit here and take your foot offf the gas and that’s ok and needed at the moment x

[Mommabear]

fizzylem what a brilliant and supportive post. I cannot thank you enough for your wisdom. I feel like I have lent so much on friends throughout the last year, I ask their advice and run things past them since they have similar parenting styles to mine. I have asked our nanny and a family member to have a chat with ,my youngest who can be quite rude to me and she seemed to listen.

I am really struggling however to find my own way. I thought my way was a good way but for the last 10 years I’ve been told that I am a terrible mother, too leniant, all their bad behaviour is my fault. All their good traits are his (typical n********t I know).

My family live far away, I have their support but not physically if that makes sense. My mother in law is close but she’s a controlling woman herself and my girls aren’t that fond of her. I feel lost, swamped and scared but tomorrow is another day and I’m sure I’ll wake up feeling differently.

I will take this year like I did last year, with baby steps. It’s the only way. I guess I am going to feel unsettled for a while yet.

At least my children trust me and talk to me, that’s encouraging.

x*x

[fizzylem]

Absoloutely! I think if you know your children and that they will talk to you this is all that is ever needed. Now my son is an adult, I don’t worry about him at all because of this, I know that he is ok in the world because when he’s got a worry he will still come to me for guidance and support or he’ll come and see me and we’ll just chat. I suspect you are doing much better than it feels – as it’s not uncommon to feel and expereince what you have descibed after years of this when adjusting.

It’s great you’ve identified ‘his voice’ – you could do an cognitive behaviour therapy exercise to rid yourself of this. Over the next two weeks, write down your thought everytime you think I’m a terrible mother, too leniant and how you feel next to each thought, do another page for when they misbehave, write on this page what they are doing and when you feel it’s my fault.

The idea is that you know this is his voice not yours – only you get so busy during the day that sometimes you miss recognising this and skip straight to feeling it’s my fault or it’s my poor mothering etc. If you focus on the task of writing this down, it will bring it into your awareness more so and show you just how often you do it as well; it will also create time to reflect on it – not after every time you write a thought down, but more than you would when just living it during the day – you will no doubt start to question why am I feeling like this when they are clearly just being kids here sometimes. Yu kind of get t a point where you you see the thought pop into your mind staright away and say to yourself ‘oh there it is again’, ‘not you agin, I know what to d with you’. This stops it spiralling.

By doing this you start to ‘catch’ yourself doing it – when you can catch it you can also choose to stop it right there, decide how you want to respond to it when it happens so you have a sort f go to procedure in place, for example, when it happens, stop, write it down, remind myself ‘this is not true – this is the effects of the abuse – I know I am a lovely mum’ – whatever makes sense and sits best for you / and this will help re-train your mind – re-wire it so that it functions for you again effectively – in the best and most helpful way.

You know this trips you up when it happens and also know it’s his voice not your own. You’ve internalised what he has said so it often becomes more an automatic feeling. You can change this and will but it takes a bit of focus just for a few weeks – which isn’t a long time is it really when you think how long you’ve lived feeling this way – it can be done, have done it myself with my own negative thought patterns. Let me know how you get on if you decide to try it – might help to chat about it x

[Mommabear]

Fizzylem – this makes so much sense, thank you. You are right, I have identified ‘his’ voice which is the first step. I will take on board your advice and have a go at this this week.

My youngest was rude to me this morning again and I could hear ‘his’ voice criticising me. I couldn’t do anything right, on the one hand I did something to help her and she said ‘I’m not a baby’, in the next breathe I hadn’t remembered something. I shed some tears in the car and she seemed genuinely remorseful when I gently told her how critical she had been and that I was trying my best.

Another question – how did you talk to your son about the abuse? I’m mindful that he is their father and I don’t want to get into a ‘he’s done this, he’s mean’ sceanario so I haven’t spoken of how he has been mean since he left as I don’t want to be that person. However, when he was living here, both my girls voiced concerns about the way he spoke to us all and were the catalyst for me asking him to leave as I wanted to be a good role model. They haven’t voiced any concerns since but what they witnessed when they were growing up wasn’t normal. How did you tackle this?

Mommabear x*x

[maddog]

It’s so difficult talking to children. Mine are now teenagers and old enough to recognise that they are a mixture of all the family who came before them, not just their parents.

The children were taught by their dad to use me as a physical & emotional punch bag. I told them that I’ve had enough of invalid complaints and that they’re not to complain about something they can control. I said that either we work together or I refuse to do things for them. It’s hard to keep it up but they seem far happier when boundaries are in place. Baby steps. All baby steps.

It’s exciting to be the captain of your own ship. Please keep remembering the good things, the really simple things and write them down. Do as I say!!

I’m still not out of the woods and not a good example.

[fizzylem]

Hi MB, my son is from a previous relationship, it’s my younger daughter that has gone through this like yours. I think for me I never bad mouthed him, I was mindful that she hadn’t developed the emotional maturity needed yet to hear any critisism of her father by anyone, she needed to think her dad was great, its not until they are older (post 10ish) that they can start to see and feel his behaviour was wrong, that there are other ways and to voice this. If kids think a parent is bad and others think this as well they also think I am bad, so I focused on our relationship, so when she mirrored his behaviour I calmly responded high lighting the behaviour was unacceptable, discussions around friendship struggles also helped her to learn about boundaries and respect. It took a long time to get through though as there has been alienation at his hand for us.

I have however, always been honest and answered questions in an age appropriate way and mindful of her feelings; now she’s a teen she is starting to opt out of the relationship and has the measure of her father herself – learnt from her own experiences – I feel for her, it’s sad he’s only interested in himself, even when it comes to his child, but we use every problem as a stepping stone from which to grow and develop – to overcome.

There was a time when she felt self loathing and not important and this was because this is how she felt in the relationship with her dad – it spilled into how she felt about herself – that tore at her esteem but not anymore, she’s learnt she doesnt need dad’s approval nowadays and takes her esteem from other people, places and accomplishments – she’s emotionally seperated from him now, he can still hurt her of course from time to time with some of the things he says and does, but now she’s armed and more ready for it, ready to bat it aside – and she almost always does. She also has quite low expectations for him, doesnt go to him for help as whats the point and she avoids any emotional conversations with him, sad really, but she’s come to learn how best to manage him and that is by keeping him at arms length or opting out altogther for periods.

She kind of gets why I couldnt be with him and why things are the way they are – from her own experience of him – sounds like your two do quite a bit as well – I think its ok to call him out on his ‘behaviour’ – eg that was not respecftul behaviour, rather than he’s this or that – and this is very much needed. This makes his behaviour wrong and not the person bad They will experience him the way you did sometimes and it’s confusing isnt it until someone else says, I get it, I hear you, I know, this was my experience as well – it becomes affirming in your mind then doesnt it, stops a person questioning is it me or him – same for them. We had a number of conversations like this. It’s not until she had his house and her home to compare and contrast the differences in our care that she started to notice things more so and gravitated towards me.

If I was ever stuck with what to say I used to just empathise with her feelings to affirm these – not take a side, rather show her I understood and cared.

This book might help ‘Lundy Bancroft – When dad hurts mom.

If they come and talk to you then you can overcome each difficulty together; thinking its about you giving them space, and a ralationship they can trust to be supportive, open and honest, so that they can workout what they think and feel for themselves.

I think when it happened the focus for us was boosting her esteem for a long time and that helped her heal a great deal x

[Author]

Posts