Dealing with him after

[standtogether]

Hi All,

I’ve been following for a while and wanted to say a big thank you to all of you. You’ve been a support to me without even knowing it. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and have been out for (detail removed by moderator) now. It’s been really dark at times. Anyway I haven’t had the guts to post accept for on a few other topics.

I wanted to ask advice on anyone that had to deal with their ex because of children or whatever. At the moment my Mum is helping with pick ups and drop offs of our daughter. Soo don’t have to see him. But I feel like I’m gradually getting stronger and want to start to think about facing him again.

I have never faced up to him about the abuse and I know it would make him really angry so just try to keep any communication to a minimum and really formal over email now. He hates this and so do I really but felt like I had no choice.

So I just wondered if anyone had any tips on how to keep your cool around them. At the moment I just feel like I’ll turn to Jelly around him or worse miss him! I think I can keep it pretty formal to his face but I think it’s the not knowing what tricks he will try to get into my head again if I’m seeing him every week!

I don’t want to be friends with him but I just want him to not effect me like he does. Does this get easier?

Much love to you all and thanks if you’ve read.x

[KIP.]

For your own sake please do not ever resume direct contact. That’s how the mind games and manipulation and doubts return. You are still extremely vulnerable and probably always will be. You will get stronger. Even when you are fully able to deal with him without triggers, why would you want to. Any contact is toxic. These men have no concept of time so in a year or ten years they feel entitled to try and hook you back in. Especially during more vulnerable times. Tell him nothing. Have zero contact. Even messages should not be direct and if they have to be then keep them to relevant short messages. It took me two years to feel that I wouldn’t miss him if I was to get in contact. That he held that power over me so I’d say at the two year point you won’t feel the same. Keep a journal a write down all the things he did to you and why you left and never forget. Don’t let time change or lessen the memories of the abuse. Remember to that an abuser will abuse your children too. They’re collateral damage and I’d be careful of the time you allow them to spent with such a twisted mind. Abuse of a mother is abuse of a child x stay strong and keep him out your head x

[standtogether]

Thank you KIP, your right, I do need to keep reminding myself of the person he actually is and not the ‘reasonable’ person he pretends to be. I may have to do drop offs and pick ups myself next year unfortunately but will hold off as long as I can. I want to try and limit how much he sees her and at the moment it’s one weekend daytime only so hopefully I can keep it to this for as long as I can and just try to educate myself as much as possible while she is still young.

It’s comforting to know that the missing him thing isn’t just me!

[Iwantmeback]

Hi I can only say no contact is the only way in order tì let us heal ourselves. Any contact no matter how civil, is a means to abuse. Well done in getting away, but if you have to have contact, just never believe a word he will say.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

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