Dealing with his suicidal comments

[Overcome]

Hello all,

I am happy to say that I am no longer coupled up with the ex. It has been a bit rocky as we have opposing views as to what we want going forward in regards to living arrangements regarding the children.

I based the breakup on me not wanting to deal with his constant communication with other women, as I have failed in the past to get my point across about the abuse I have felt at his doing. I said I will never trust him again even if he never ever strays; I don’t want to live my life constantly checking up on him. Plus, being blamed for his transgression was the nail in the coffin for me.

At first he was aggressive, but then I threatened court proceedings, which he knew he wouldn’t stand a chance with. He then became very agreeable, and we have arranged things thus far with the childrens’ happiness as priority. I am not yet moved out of the family home as it was agreed that renting is a waste of our child’s inheritance.

He seemed very happy and calm when I was falling apart at the beginning of the week, but I made a vow to myself that I would wallow for no more than a week and then get back on my feet. I cried, I cried so hard. It was the worst pain I have ever felt! I have had broken bones, been through childbirth, lost both my parents… but this was a new kind of pain. This was the trauma bonding breaking away…

A few mornings ago, as I was driving to work, I wailed. It was a guttural, grieving cry. I had a pain in my heart up until that cry, and upon letting it out, I have felt nothing but peace. So I will say to you ladies; let it out, let it all out and you will heal.

One thing that is irking me though, is that now I am calm and at peace.. He is portraying that his life is turned upside down and is hinting that he has suicidal thoughts. Now, my profession shows me what kind of people are actually suicidal. And the fact that he is still messing around on dating websites leads me to believe that he is trying to pull a different guilt card out of the bag.

I can see it for what it is, but at the same time I am concerned for him, I don’t like to see anyone unhappy, even people who have done me wrong.

I see how immature he is by the way he hints like he does at the moment, I don’t think he has ever been left to deal with his own emotions so he looks for outsiders. This has been very evident lately.

Even so, this time I am out for good. I have found my self respect again which is a start to rebuilding my trust in myself. I am calmer, even though my world has been turned upside down! That speaks volumes to me. Plus the fact that he hasn’t even apologised for his wrongdoings (even though I have reflected and seen what negative aspects I brought into the relationship towards the end).

He looks visibly traumatised to me, but why hasn’t anyone else discovered the same?

With love,

Overcome.

[KIP.]

Living with him won’t work. You won’t ever be out for good until you’re zero contact. Even then the controlling tactics will continue but at least you can manage them better. Your child doesn’t need an inheritance, they need a loving happy stable abuse free home. Use their inheritance wisely now and move out with your child. Nobody else sees his ‘trauma’ because it’s a huge act he uses on you to manipulate you. Next time he threatens suicide ring an ambulance and tell the paramedics he’s suicidal. I bet he quickly changes his mind. Don’t base your break up on anything other than his abuse. Cheating is just another form of abuse. Start planning moving out without telling him. Get some good legal advice regarding finances. While my ex was trying to make amends and playing “Mr Reasonable’ he was emptying our bank account and seeing another woman. You’re right not to trust him but not just about fidelity. I know it’s overwhelming and I too had that guttural heart wrenching scream that sounded like it came from someone else. That was the start of him opening the gates of hell. There’s worse for you to come and I’d save you that pain. He is not your responsibility. He will use guilt, pity, obligation, threats, children, suicide, fear and anything else he can to regain control.

[Overcome]

I appreciate your advice. My family also think I am barmy!

I should clarify that we are not in the house at the same time, we don’t sit down and watch the telly together or anything like that, and it is temporary until I have brought a house. he is currently out of the country with work anyway so I am alone with the children and it’s lovely. His house is his and his money is his own, hes not able to control that part of my life anymore as I have my own money.

The children are in their normal routine and are happy. To me that is the most important thing.

Having this distance has only made me stronger, nothing he says or tries on now will have an effect. I see all of the patterns of manipulation and I feel able to protect myself from it. If it were to happen in front of the boys again then that would be my cue to take them out of the situation, he adores those children and they adore him and at this moment in time, it’s working out OK.

I do still have my guard up, I am fully aware of how manipulative he can be. I can be packed and gone in less than an hour after having a chat with my counsellor about getting my things ready just in case.

I will use that advice about calling an ambulance next time he talks about suicide again. I don’t think he would ever go through with it as, like you say, it’s a scare tactic.

No contact just won’t work until the children are older, so until then grey rock will have to suffice.

I will keep on posting!

With love,

Overcome x

[Daisydo]

Hi
My situation is not in similar & I havnt really got alot of advice to give except, they do play the suicide card when they realise they have lost control, it seems to be part of the course.
My partner moved out after 6 months of turmoil but promptly returned saying he cpuldntvlivecwithout me & needed to come home. I let him back through fear he may do something silly but on the understanding we still were not together. His tears stopped within a few days and a few weeks later he is chatting and trying to arrange a date with another woman! They care experts at manipulating. Please don’t feel guilty, it’s his life, it’s his choice!
Xx

[Author]

Posts