Death of an abuser, I think it’s PTSD? Or am I going insane?

[lightinthedark]

In recent years I’ve very slowly come to terms with the fact that one of my very close friends was abusive to me and after trying to keep the friendship going, and failing and retrying many times, I decided to go for no contact.
I found myself scared he’d realise I hadn’t blocked his number (because I didn’t have his number to block) and that he’d contact me out of the blue like nothing had happened asking to meet up, like he always did. I found myself scared of places we used to go together in case I bumped into him and had to talk to him or got flashbacks of what he was like. Even the town I lived in I thought anyone wearing gym type clothes, like he did, could have been him. I was wary of everywhere and it was gradually getting worse. I had a nightmare after I moved house that he text me my new address saying ‘if you don’t stop telling people I raped you I’ll give you something to complain about’.
A few weeks after that, an old mutual friend got in touch to tell me he’d passed away, he was so young, I went through such a whirlwind of emotion. I was so sad for a loss of such a young life, someone who was once my closest friend and helped me through a lot. He was such a troubled soul from a harsh background and I have always defended him with that in mind. But I was also a little relieved that I didn’t have to be scared anymore, then guilty for being relieved about something so sad. Scared that it wasn’t true and I’d be twice as scared if he contacted me or I bumped into him because he’s supposed to be dead. I only knew through social media and I felt kind of silly believing it, could he have got people to play along just to get me to try and get back in touch? I wouldn’t put it past him!
It took me a while to level out, I decided too many people were effected on social media for them all to be in on it just for me, kind of a selfish thing to think really. I was just left confused, I’m still scared of those things, still worried somehow he might still be out there, even though I know he isn’t. I was also left with a new fear, and this might sound really crazy but hear me out, that his ghost or spirit or something could be around me whenever he wanted. When someone close to you dies people comfort you by saying ‘they are with you in your thoughts’ or ‘they are always with you’ which is great when you want that person to be around you. I’ve never believed strongly one way or the other about the afterlife but I don’t feel like anyone knows enough to rule anything out completely. So, what if? What if he can see me get changed? Read my thoughts? Be in my bed with me and touch me however he likes? And I have no idea it’s happening? Every breeze I feel, every door I open into darkness, every time I’m left alone with my thoughts I’m scared he’s there without my permission and I don’t know. Or that I will suddenly see his ghost just standing over me, I’ve always been slightly scared of the dark, scared something could grab my ankles or there will be a face at my window no matter how high up my flat is. Now, though, I put his face to all the fears. It feels like he fills my head, there isn’t a day I don’t think about him or a night I don’t dream we are friends as close as we once were, when I pretended I was okay with how he treated me, or have a nightmare he is back in my life and knowingly making things difficult for me. It’s constant and I feel like I’m going insane!

I did speak to a woman who believes in the afterlife and spirits and she suggested it could be PTSD as unless I am particularly active spiritually (I’m not at all) it’s unlikely an unwanted spirit could enter my home. Of course I’m 95% sure it’s all in my head anyway but it’s still scary and helped me to ask someone who might know. It helped a lot to think it’s PTSD, which had never occurred to me, but would make a lot of sense. It had been suggested to me before, before my abuser died, that I could have it. I never really thought of PTSD being something anyone other than soldiers got, which is silly when I think about it now.

Does anyone have any suggestions of how to deal with it? Meditation has been suggested which I keep meaning to try but I haven’t managed to get into yet as it takes a lot of time and concentration dedicated to just me, which I struggle to do. I’ve been on a waiting list for counselling for a long time, also since before he died, so I’m hoping that will help when I do get it but until then all suggestions are welcome, please.

Thanks
LinD

[Tiffany]

Talk to your GP. I too think it highly unlikely that a malevolent spirit is in your presence, but that doesn’t mean the fear isn’t real or difficult. A good GP should be able to help.

Meditation is good, but also difficult to get into often. I find yoga easier, as I can focus my mind on what I am doing with my body. You could maybe also try other calming activities like colouring in which can be more accessibly medatative. I also recently discovered zentangles which are a really simple way to do relaxed drawing – worth a Google, especially if like me you think you can’t draw. Obviously none of this is a good substitute for professional medical advice, but it might help while you are waiting for the help you need.

[lightinthedark]

I have been thinking about going to the GP or the leaders of a CBT course I did said to get in touch with them if I need further help, as they can help me get specific help without more mental health assessments.

They are great suggestions, thank you. All things I do a bit of but wish I did more of so I think I need to make more of an effort to make time for those, I really do struggle making time for myself!

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi LinD,

It sounds like a normal reaction to being abused and wondering if the abuser is now dead. It’s the result of a trauma. It would be good if you could find out for sure if he is dead to ease your mind but I understand that you don’t want to ask people about him in case he isn’t.

I wonder if it might help to cover both bases, so it would help you feel calmer and safer about it. So, look into PTSD, ask your gp if you can be assessed for it, or a local mental health charity. Get some books about healing from abuse and trauma and see if they resonate (also look into Complex PTSD as you said on your other thread you had multiple abusers so it might be relevant).

And you could also look up the spiritual side of things, such as protecting yourself from bad vibes or spirits or energies, whatever you believe in. I’m not particularly superstitious or anything but when I was with my ex a lot of strange things happened, for example the first time he was round at my house, my house had the weirdest vibe I’d ever felt as if it was eerily quiet with a weird buzzing sound. It definitely unsettled me at the time and I remember putting on music to try to deal with the silence, which was weird because normally when it was just me alone it never felt as silent.

I remember a other times feeling like my ex left a dark/black energy in my house, especially when he lay on my beautiful bed in my newly painted white bedroom. I remember writing this off as thinking it was a ‘girly’ room and he just didn’t fit in there but after I realised how dark a person he was, how evil and lacking in empathy, guilt or remorse, it made sense. I think he was lay on my bed texting other women as he was on his phone while I was getting ready and he never let me see the screen, and he took a photo of me getting changed without asking my permission.

One thing I did after I ended things was smudge my house with a smudge stick which contains sage. It’s a native American ritual and it made me feel better. I also used an oil burner and diffused my favourite cleansing oils, but in particular frankincense. I remember reading that frankincense was really good for clearing bad vibes and energies out of a space. It all helped me feel better like I have removed his toxicity from my home. It’s a slightly different scenario to yours but techniques like this might help.

[lightinthedark]

Hi SunshineRainflower,

I do know he’s dead, I just find it hard to trust social media. A few old friends have been in touch and I’ve seen pictures of his funeral and his page has become an ‘in memory of’ page. The thing that makes me feel a bit crazy is that I’m still scared he’s alive even with evidence he isn’t.

I looked up Complex PTSD and it sounds like something I could have. I actually heard back about that counselling this week, which I’m so relieved about, and I’m booked in for an assessment soon so I’ll mention it to them.

I’m so sorry to hear how uncomfortable your ex made you feel in your own home, I hope it feels like your own space again. I think I will look up ways to ward of bad spirits too even though I’m fairly sure it’s in my head there is no harm in taking extra precautions and incense and oil burners are always nice :).

Thank you.

[Good samaritan]

I can relate to some of your reactions to certain things ie every time I see a car identical to my abuser I get anxiety in case it is him. Every time I see a lorry or hear one pass my house I fear it’s him trying to harm me further. I haven’t started any councilling yet as it all happened very recently. I also think thyself if the police would inform me if he had died in am accident or something. I’m hoping I can recover from this without long lasting damage because I don’t want to hold myself back believing I’m the one with the issues.

[lightinthedark]

Hi Good Samaritan,

I was talking to my sister about this recently and she asked what I was scared of happening, if I had seen him again when he was alive, and I just didn’t know the answer. He would never do something in public and nothing he ever did was obvious, I guess I was just scared of the idea of him.

I’m hoping I can get past this too, it’s easy to tell ourselves we’re the one with the issues as it’s what abusive people have tried to tell us so we think what they are doing is normal. I think I’m gradually seeing the truth when I look back on things. It doesn’t seem like it at the time but the more I realise that my gut feelings about a situation were right (even if I did ignore them at the time) the stronger and more positive I feel about myself and, in a way, it takes power away from my abuser knowing he was lying and wrong.

LitD

[Good samaritan]

* think to myself

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