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I don’t know what to do. These last few weeks of getting out have been such a roller coaster. First he was in shock with the attitude of “OK, whatever”, and then he was angry and shouting and cursing (when he saw the kids and then called me the day after through Facebook), and then he was quiet, and then he was giving me an options of 1, getting a divorce and be done with me, or 2, telling me to go back home quietly with the kids and our belongings. AND THEN he was quiet again for a couple of days, and now it’s been crying and begging anybody who will listen and talk to me, that he wants to make it work, he will make the changes I need, he will stop shouting and abusing and he will be a better father/husband……..
I’ve asked him for some time to think, and he’s prised to give me that time without hassle, but the more I think about it the more confused I’m getting.Like I said before I have never taken this step as to show him I am serious when I say I have friends and family who will help me out if I need to leave him, and I have the support of the police and other services…….. So now I’m thinking maybe he’s learnt his lesson? Maybe he knows now that I will not be a doormat to his abuse and that I am brave enough to get out if need be?
So yeah, I am now thinking of going back home to him to give our children and our marriage another chance…… Am I being naive?
When I was with him I couldn’t wait to get away from him, but now I’m away I’m thinking that maybe life wasn’t all that bad as I was making it to be in my head?
Am I being stupid? It’s just because I have never taken this “fleeing” step im thinking that I have hurt him where it hurts and he will think twice before he goes off on one for no reason?I’m so confused…….. Please help
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Hello lovely, sending you kind thoughts as I hope you will do for me, as I’ve got handover today.
Listen, I am fairly sure that every lady on here who has ‘successfully’ left, had such thoughts at one stage. I know I did. And it is difficult and confusing.
But, please read your own post back. What he is saying is so clearly about him wanting to control you.
This is not a healthy relationship lovely. I think your user name says it all. You are wishing it were different but in your gut feelings I think you already know that he is really bad for you. Experiences sadly show that such situations get worse over time and become more emotionally and possibly physically dangerous.Please be kind to yourself. Keep posting
all best
ftc
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(detail removed by moderator) You have all this support, but he can still manipulate you into returning just by trying out a variety of tactics in quick succession until he hits on one that works.
He’s wrong of course – it took a huge amount of bravery for you to leave, and you are stronger now than you were before you left. But it’s still going to be hard to leave again if you go back, particularly as he will tighten control after losing you once. He hasn’t changed, and he won’t change.
Your feelings right now are a normal reaction post abuse. It is normal to crave a return to what you are used to. But there is a reason you left, and that hasn’t changed. Try to keep reminding yourself why you left.
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Hi there, i just want to give my support yo you also. I wish we could physically be there for you ((💖)). Ftc is so right, look over what you’ve written anout how he is behaving. Hes truing different ways to find the one that hoovers you back in. This is only a decision you can make, no one will judge you any differently. Stats say it takes a women up to 7 times to actually leave for good.
Wishing you all the strength you need from all of us here, some have been in your shoes, some are still to make that step.Ftc my thoughts are with you today also. I pray all goes smoothly.
I have something to do today too,trying not to think if it
Blessings and strength to every lady on here and in the outside worldIWMB 💕💕
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Remember when I first left and had thoughts of going back , the advice staff at the refuge gave me.that if I went back he would get worse, that thought has kept me away.im not saying there was times I still thought he could change or had changed.but deep down I knew I deserved better as do you.you deserve to be happy and free .
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Dear Wishfulthinking
It took huge strength, not to mention the suffering to not only get to the very brave decision you made and the act of getting out.
You are certainly free to make your own choices, and this is one of the most important things, you now have choice. I wonder if you would still have choice if you go back though?
You are still early days out, and even if you do go back, you need a long break just to do some recovering from what you’ve just been through. He needs to let you be, so you can have space.
I think it’s also essential to be aware of the info relative to your situation, which is that statistics show actually it gets worse and more dangerous, and that the chances of an abuser changing are very small
Warmest wishes ts -
If you take him back it only shows him he can do as he likes and you will still take him back. The line has been drawn, by you, this is great, because it is your line, a line that says you will no longer step over it ever again.
If you’re feeling confused, then often the best thing to do is do nothing, until the answer clearly presents itself to you, you’re out now, maybe you just need to see how this goes for a while. Give yourself some much needed space x
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Thanx ladies. You are all right in your advice, and deep down I know it’s wrong and down right stupid to even think of going back, but because I have never taken this “brave” step before I feel like it’s disloyal not to give him a second chance to change?
I feel like taking this huge step might have “woken him up” to see how unhappy the kids and I were and how we won’t put up with it any longer…… But I also know that there is a very slim chance on him changing and for him to be more controlling and abusive if I did go back.
I do need time and space, a concept which is alien to him and is why he’s pushing for an answer if I’m going back or if I want a divorce right now. I know he’s pushing me into a corner not giving me time to think or even breathe freely…….
But I feel so bad and guilty, every time I hear he’s sad, every time I heard that he’s been crying, I feel like the villain……. I’m so stressed and confused on what to do or say…….
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How so you hear about whata hes been doing? Whatever it is, stop torturing yourself and switch it off.
You are not together he had all his chances, screwed them all up and threw them away, it wasn’t in him to just treat you well.
Keep strong there, and may he cry long and hard over his abuses of you, but he can no longer make you listen, that’s cruel after all you’ve been through.
Warmest wishes ts
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Try to be strong about your boundaries. Tell him you need a couple of weeks of no contact to make a descision. If he doesn’t respect this then block him on your phone at least. It’s hard to recover when he is still manipulating you, which is what the tears are about. Mine also cried buckets when I left. He’d always told me thaty crying was abuse though (and I cried a lot when he abused me). So I kept reminding myself that that was how he viewed tears – as a tool for manipulation.
I would also tell any friends or family who are in touch with both of you not to pass any information either way.
It will get easier. Just keep reminding yourself of why you left.
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The question I ask myself is did he ever feel bad or guilty when he made me cry? Did he ever feel bad when he hit me and controlled every aspect of my life? The answer is NO.we can make excuses and allow them to make us feel bad for taking the step to leave but that is just it .they are excuses.they won’t change.guess it’s up to us to continue making the stand and live the life we deserve.
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You are still feeling responsible for him. Everything your saying is in relation to how he feels.
He won’t change you might have few days weeks. But you would have unsettled him cos you have left. Going back Is allowing him to manipulate you.
I had do much guilt for weeks after and all cos feeling sorry for him.
I have gone no contact it’s has worked.
You have children please be careful with this decision as my decisions before it ended resulted in social services involvement.
It’s s scary time for you but if you go back and nothing changes?
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Please don’t go back wishfulthinking. I must have gone back numerous times id say at least 5 times if i’m honest. I would escape when he was at work, the only place I had to go was my parents house. He would camp out side of their house and call their house phone constantly until either they broke and wanted to call the police or I caved in and went back. On leaving each time it got harder, eventually he would physically bar me from opening the front door to leave. In the end I was like a prisoner in my own home scared to go out at all as the repercussions terrified me.
Please stick to your guns, he’s not going to change. Once you get out for good be prepared because he will cry (crocodile tears) threaten suicide, dangle perhaps a new woman in front of you, he will go to all lengths to get you back to where he wants you. The mistake I made was I did feel sorry for him, I wanted to help him. The truth is and ive finally realised this you will never change these men’s beliefs. They don’t have the ability to truly care for others like you and I. Abusive men choose us in the main. They look for people who have weaknesses. I prefer to call them strengths being kind and caring should be seen as a strength but not in their eyes. So none of this is our faults the wrong men chose us not the other way round. Ive learned there are abusive men and non abusive men. They are what they are, that wont change but we can change things by making the decision to have no contact with them. I hope you keep strong and im sure you will xx Take care
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Yes I want me back and we deserve so much better don’t we. We’ve lived and learned so to speak ☺💕
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