Deciding whether to leave…

[Work-In-Progress]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for quite a few years and I only figured out he was abusing me last year. I had a mental breakdown because it got to a point where I was walking on eggshells 24/7 and the smallest thing like shoes being out of line would send him into a rage. Eventually I realised that it didn’t matter how much I tried to plicate him, he didn’t need a reason to take his anger out on me anymore.

He was so angry all the time and looking at his eyes was like looking at the devil. He had raped me before, but that time was the worst, he didn’t even look at me, and just held me down whilst I cried in pain and fear. He had never hit me, which I think is why it took me so long to realise what was happening. But that day he went to hit me in the face in public, or at least he brought his arm close to my face and stopped and that’s when I couldn’t take it anymore.

When I got some time alone I called a friend and told her some of what had happened (but I didn’t even realise how bad it was or all the little things that he was doing), I thought I would leave him…but I found myself deciding that I would give him one last chance, as we talked and he said he didn’t realise what he’d been doing, and didn’t remember doing most of it (little did I know that was yet again another manipulation technique).

It’s been (detail removed by Moderator) now, and I’m still with him. He did start to improve, and things got much better, and through counselling I realised there were still controlling and manipulation going on, so I just kept being firm and now things are more or less okay. With the exception of him putting his hand around my neck (but I’ve made it clear for him not to do that again and so far, he hasn’t). As well as a few months ago when he raped me again when we were both drunk (not as badly as the last time), and I kept passing out and told him to stop but he didn’t. He blamed the alcohol, which I didn’t believe and made that clear to him.

I’ve moved away from him to (detail removed by Moderator), and we see each other every fortnight or so. My advisers keep explaining how dangerous staying with him is, but I find it hard to let go, or to accept the danger. I feel like although I know it was/is bad, because things have improved so much, I don’t feel so afraid and feel like leaving could be a big mistake because I love him and aside from the abuse, we are happy together now.

The other worrying aspect is his intrusive thoughts, he gets violent/homicidal thoughts, and they often are directed at me (and they are some twisted ways to hurt and get rid of someone). He still has these thoughts and is reluctant to get phycological help. I’ve pretty much begged him to get help, and he did go to the doctors, and they gave him anger management (which he stopped attending after a couple sessions).

I feel like leaving him could be the biggest mistake of my life, especially when his violence and abuse is becoming so little that I feel he will stop being abusive altogether (especially because I call him out on the smallest things now, so that it can’t escalate). I love him so much and I don’t want to imagine a life where he’s not in it, we talk about our future children and the house we’ll have, what type of kitchen, what countries we want to travel and our careers, and how they will align so nicely. There’s a fantasy to it, but it could become a reality if I stay.

Or as statistically shown the abuse could get worse again overtime, or when we have kids and I get pregnant. I would never want my kids subjected to that abuse or to witness it. I feel there is no way to know for sure if he is capable of continuing to work on his anger issues and live the life we dreamt for ourselves.

I think if I’m going to leave, now would be the best time, whilst I’m in a new environment and keeping social and busy. I also feel that leaving wouldn’t just be upsetting for losing us now, but losing the dreams for the future, the life we’d create. I’d mourn not just losing him but losing the future we’ll never have together.

I know I’m still traumatised, having flashbacks, anxiety and low moods. But I can feel myself getting stronger, like the person I am is finally being given the chance to exist. Like I can live unapologetically for being me. I’ve made progress (like when I realised I’m no longer looking at the ‘is this abuse?’ page and looking at the getting out section).

This was my first post, and definitely a long one.

Does anyone have any advice for me? tips on the best way to leave?

Or if you’ve left, is there a good life after leaving?

alternatively, do you think given the de-escalation, he could eventually control himself?

Or leave him now and maybe get back together in the future?

Thank you!
Work-In-Progress

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely the line that made me sad was, ‘I love him aside from the abuse, we are happy now’…read that back to yourself and ask yourself what you’d be saying if a friend, sister, daughter was saying that to you.

The talk of marriage, kids etc is most likely future faking to keep you hooked. You want those things and he’s dangling them like a carrot but you can have those things in a loving, equal relationship. You’re right to be concerned about getting tied in with houses, kids as it’s harder to leave and abuse does impact kids.

He’s changed – unlikely, you are more likely to be in the good part of the cycle. How has he changed? Giving up anger management won’t have changed him, what were his reasons for quitting- I’d guess he thought he was better than the trainer, he’s perfect as he is and doesn’t need it? That’s entitled view abusers hold.

His mental health, his violent thoughts – scary for you and it’s important you take precautions to stay safe, but also another common tactic to keep us hooked in – that caring nature kicking in. There’s other medical etc support available if he is genuinely ill, it’s not on you to look after him.

You’re trauma bonded to him, space and living a separate life is best way to break that so now is a good time to leave, but be aware seeing him fortnightly is keeping that trauma bond alive and retriggering it every time you see him. He’s also loving keeping you as a supply part time and don’t be surprised if he has/looking for a secondary supply for when you’re not there – abusers struggle to be alone.

You know deep down what is the right way to go but it’s scary. Having left this year it’s been a rollercoaster but definitely worth it. You know that silence, that safe feeling when you’re in your own place and he’s not there, total opposite to the anxiety you feel when he contacts or meets you -,you can have that all the time without him. You can do this, you already are, and he won’t be happy when you end things but that’s his issue not yours xx

[Freeforever]

Hey, I wanted to reply firstly to say about the rape incident that’s absolutely outrageous! What or how can he even justify this? Take if from someone who has lower a very long relationship with my daughter who also sees what her dad is.. as a parent you catty part shame. I owned a house with my ex and literally having to start again to knife and forks to pans and cups so on.. we’ve literally gone into hiding because any contact fears me that he will use that as a opportunity to fill me with his love bombing. It’s awful going through this as you do grieve for someone who’s still breathing but when you sit and have peace and silent without thinking of his selfish needs its worth every inch of what I’m going through.. I have up and down days I try to not look at any photos as that also doesn’t help. Good luck all the future plans you dream will take place in your life with someone who values you. X

[Watersprite]

Hi work in progress your partner is highly abusive and his behaviour is illegal and awful. He can behave a bit better now because he chooses to that means you stay and he keeps control but he will escalate again and it will be when he chooses. Do the right thing by yourself and your future self and any family you may like to have and leave. You deserve a life. I put up with hell like this for years and my family suffered even though I thought I was protecting them I wasn’t. We are safe and free now and life the other side has been hard work to achieve but it is great now. Leaving is often the most dangerous time – talk to someone safe call womens aid to get a plan together to leave safely. You can do this x*x

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