- This topic has 34 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 6 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
To be told that nothing has happened to me, and not only am I not a survivor, but I’m a perpetrator. To be told by the very people that were not prepared to stand by me in court when I was all alone that they want to take credit for me getting onto a course that I had to work hard by myself to get onto. To be afraid of ever doing well in life in case it p****s off my ex who I have been told that I have to help walk into my life. To know that you’re probably going to delete all of this and tell me to phone someone who I don’t want to waste the time of and who doesn’t want to speak to me anyway. to not be able to talk to the few people that still like me because I can’t make their world any darker. To want to kill myself because my daughter thinks I’m a really bad mum and the man I protected her from has the sun shining out of his every orifice.
-
Sending hug out to you, u seem to have alot on your plate, u stated u have been told u r not a survivior but the preperator, iggnore whoever said that to u, u know the truth what u experienced, that is the acknowledgement u need, your daughter says your bad mum , im sure u r not, in time truth always comes out why u did what u had to.post on here as much as u need to
-
Thank you. It just feels like there’s no way out and I’ve got another 50 years ahead of me of the man I ran away from controlling my life and all the authorities encouraging him
-
-
It’s really rubbish that in order to move forwards, I have to keep hitting rock bottom and then bounce back up. It would be nice to reach the point again where I can take pride in me being me. I had managed to do this when we were no contact but now he’s back in my life I’ve got to work out how to do this all over again.
-
Yes it is impossible to stay ” up ” whilst these a**eholes are around. Have you called women’s aid? Police? Can you get yourself an advocate to do a bit of the fighting for you? Going no contact seems the best option but you have had problems with certain agencies is that right? Can you challenge them?
-
Nah I had loads of support until I really needed it in court when everyone was like ‘ooh we don’t go to court’ so I was all alone and I did so well I was told I had agreed to everything nay even asked for it.
-
-
Capitulation. I think it will be the best for all involved if I just do whatever my ex wants. At the moment he only wants our lo 50% of the time and she seems happy with the idea. Just so long as he doesn’t get upset when he finds out that I’m going to keep trying to put my life back together and get a decent career. Not sure what I’ll do then. I feel a bit like the French in 1940.
-
Um, not to disparage the French, just to say there are no options open to me, what do I do?
-
There are always options, sometimes we just need someone to show us. I think the helpline would be really good for you. Doing whatever he wants is still living under his control, nothing you ever do will be acceptable to him, you know that right? At some point you will feel ready to stand up to him and do what YOU want, but you got to get support in place first xx
-
I do appreciate what you are saying and maybe sometime in the future I will feel strong enough to stand up to him. Thank you for your kind words
-
A year ago I felt just like you describe, utterly defeated. Just as for you, the worst thing after everything was for his abuse to be condoned by professionals who swallowed all my ex’s charm and lies. But I have carried on, held my head high and remained consistent. People can see who and what I am and my confidence and self belief is slowly returning a year later. Please don’t let anyone cause you to give up on yourself or your daughter. She needs you more than you know. Rest up and recoup. Let your strength slowly return and avoid as much contact as possible so he can’t drag you down. Sending hugs and hope xx
-
Thank you. I have some small hopes for the future. Got to keep going or else I’ll just never get up again
-
Listen you can do this, you’ve proved you are strong because you’ve survived so far through his abuse. You are on here talking to other women, you are thinking about your little one. You are strong and you have a kind heart, you will get through this. No matter how s**t things seem, don’t give up. Some days I can only take an hour at a time because a day is just too overwhelming but when I look into my son’s eyes, I get that extra boost I need. sending you a big squeezey hug xx
-
I feel hugged thank you. When I first left him air hugs were all I could take as being touched freaked me out. Now I can even have a pillow over my face without freaking out
-
-
Sorry when I first left my lo tried to play by putting a pillow over my face. It took a lot of effort not to scream and totally freak her out
-
-
Got through another day! Thank you all for your support. I was able to do (removed by moderator) and distract myself a wee but from everything they is going on
-
Hello there. How are you? I read your posts and just wanted to speak to you. You are doing so so well I want to give you a massive hug. Whatever happens you know the truth and I honestly believe the truth is the truth no matter what anyone says. You tell yourself you are a survivor okay and keep posting on here. Give your lil un a massive cuddle x
-
-
-
I think I’m waiting to see what else can go wrong in my life. There’s not much else they can take from me- there’s no resistance left
-
-
Yes. I’ve had to say that he can move here to see lo on school days but I think I’m lucky. I was told he could move next door if he wanted but apparently he doesn’t. But if he wants to be friends with all my friends and go to my church I have to make sure everything is all fine and dandy for him.
-
Hi Anonymous,
Because our abusers are mentally twisted and don’ t have the full range of emotions, it seems they never get exhausted in their mission.
Yet we- with normal emotions- end up getting totally exhausted, disillusioned and feel like giving up at times.
But that is what these abusers want. They want to wear is down so that they come out as winners and we as losers. That’s the sick truth.
When you feel like this, have a duvet day. Go overboard with the rest and self-care abd rechsrge your batteries. Then keep on going. Because you are strong, more than he ever imagined.
When you manaage to put more distance between yourself and him, keep the details of your life as private as possible.
Go and achieve all the things he would never allow you to. There’s a whole world out there. He is just one puny little ant in a whole universe. They think they are gods and would love ultimate power, but we are stronger.
I was let down by certain people along the way in my effort to gain freedom and justice from my abuser. Court officials who I thought would have the nouse to know an abuser when they saw one, badly let me down with their gullibility- for example, Cafcass, who has though they had nothing on me, had nothing on my ex apparently, either.
But I was given amazing strength by certain other people. Focus on those who give you strength.
X*x
-
Honestly, I could write a very long post on how I feel about this. You must feel very invaded. I do think the ladies are right, though, about trying to keep your focus on doing what is good for you and on the positive people in your life. I don’t know how much support you have from your church. Do you feel you gained anything positive in terms of contact issues from going to court? What do you think are your ex’s motivations? I mean, he could be using legal ‘rights’ to effectively stalk you or that harasses and intimidates you. You have a right to your day to day privacy and lifestyle. A solicitor asked me if I was in the position to emigrate so that I could get away from my abuser. So much for faith in the justice system. Xx
-
Its terrible because we’re so settled. We got everything back that we lost, with a lovely home and lots of friends and now it just feels like I’m about to lose it all. After so many people telling me that ex-h couldn’t win, then telling me that ex-h wont get lo, I feel its all a lie. I lost in court and now he’s probably going to get lo. I’m getting ready to run again. I know I can’t take lo with me, but there’s no court in the country that can surely tell me that I can’t leave. If she’s going to be taken away from her home anyway, why shouldn’t I leave it and try to build a life for myself that ex-h cant take away?
-
-
-
I think I’m just really scared. He’s all sorted with a job and I’m just sitting here on the dole. Plus, he’s a hell of a lot better at lying than I am at telling the truth. Probably panicking about nothing I just feel so weak when decisions about my life are in someone else’s hands. When you’re a mum you spend forever being judged by a snapshot on your life. I’d just told lo off for something and ex is lovebombing lo so obviously she told Cafcass dad is a saint and mum can be mean.
-
So you have other people making your choices for you based around the spurious position of your daughter’s father. So it’s a further disempowerment following on from the abuse, but this time it’s the state sanctioned variety, because of which you feel the need to escape all over again. You think he’s in the strongest position because he is armed with his status as responsible tax payer, a new lady who will probably say he’s a great guy (we all thought that once, too) and he doesn’t have any scruples about lying to get what he wants. Because he’s established the parental right of equal contact with lo you anticipate his face turning up at all the places connected with your lo, ingratiating himself with her school, her friends parents, etc and you can’t make a move in any direction because you feel you have to inform him and get his consent? If he moved in down the street, he could literally watch your every move and he would point out that he is a loving father looking out for his lo like a resident father could do and why should he be discriminated against just because you and he are not together. From what you said in your earlier posts it was not recognised that he was domestically abusive in your former relationship with him? You think the option for you might be to surrender your care of your daughter to him as the only chance to be free from him. He normalises his intentions and actions because he comes like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I’ve seen this with my daughter’s father time and time over. But as the victim of his abuse I see the controlling pretext that there isn’t in a non abusive relationship. You don’t have a relationship with him. He has one with his daughter. You’re not co-parenting ex’s getting along for the sake of your child because there’s no getting along with an abuser without being further abused or re-traumatised. How will he manage his job and his 50% contact time and how is this going to impact you? The way contact is structured is really important so that he isn’t walking in and out as he pleases and that you’re not in the position of having to support his economic progress at the expense of your own because you are currently unemployed and can be expected to fit around him. I would really say right now, see the boundaries you need so that you are not made more vulnerable. It’s crucial. I don’t know what risk he is to you and where this will lead but your daughter needs you, even if you aren’t the parent who affords the emotional bribery. There is a lot of unappreciated value in a mum who is ‘sitting there’. My daughter likes the security of me being at home and doesn’t like it when I work. I had to give up one job because it just didn’t fit around her needs. Her father, however, is a great tax payer. Please don’t fall victim to society’s prejudice on this one. You don’t always have to be on the back foot however others make you feel. Xx
-
Thank you very much for saying all this. Ex is pretending that working at home means he can be there for lo whenever when really it means either his new lady or the telly. I’m trying to stay positive, get jobs that work around lo and see what the future holds. Lo says she’s fine me going to work and never seeing me but I’m going to try and see this as her age talking. Everyone just keeps telling me how lucky I am that ex wants to see lo. I’m trying really hard to think this.
-
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
