Delusional jealousy

[Twix]

It’s (detail removed by moderator) since I called the police to help me in the middle of the night & I’ve been a mess ever since. We were together (detail removed by moderator) I was never unfaithful & DH had a psychotic episode (detail removed by moderator) where similar behaviours were displayed, he’d make endless accusations of cheating & say I was hacking his phone. They said it was delusional jealousy but I stayed with him knowing this wasn’t him but an illness & with meds he got well. I started to notice a change in behaviour (detail removed by moderator) then out of the blue he told me that if this started happening again (beliefs about infidelity)the marriage was over. He refused all help, counselling, or to even see a gp as believed he’d be sectioned again & instead threw our marriage away. His verbal & emotional abuse increased over the last couple of months, he followed & recorded me, said he wanted a DNA test for our son, the list goes on & I couldn’t bare for my (detail removed by moderator) to overhear any more. I feel so guilty for reporting what happened but I couldn’t live that way any more, it was taking its toll on my mental health & affecting my ability to work. People I confided in didn’t understand the seriousness of what was happening, his family looked the other way & are now worried about the CPS decision more so than what he put me through. I’m struggling with knowing the person he is when he’s well compared with how he became & I feel I’ve lost everything. There’s no going back, too much has happened, if only he’d moved out we’d never have gotten here, but then that would never have happened with his fixation on something that wasn’t real driving everything he did.
Sorry for the verbal dump, it’s just good to know this is a safe space to share my experience & hear if anyone else has experienced delusional jealousy Xx

[Footballfan1]

Hi Twix,

Welcome to the forum.
Like you said, it’s a safe space to vent and talk about emotions.

Your post feels so familiar to me, to how my ex is.
It’s eery.

I didn’t even know the term delusional jealousy, it makes so much sense now.

My ex sounds so much like yours.
He accused me of affairs, we were together for decades, from a young age, I was completely faithful to him.
He stopped me going out with friends, asked where I had been if I had to do any errands.
Checked the mileage on the car.
He too believes the kids aren’t his.
Keeps going on about it and guessing who their dad’s are!
He accused me of having an affair with a much older relative of his.
Work colleagues, I slept with them too apparently.
He didn’t like me wearing skirts or dresses, or anything revealing.

Since splitting, someone said I always dressed for winter , I guess they noticed how covered up I was.

He stopped me showering, thinking I was getting clean for another man.
Checked my underwear.

Like you, his family have taken his side and are worried about police involvement.
They got angry at me for calling the police.
They weren’t bothered that the reason I called was because I was scared for mine and the children’s safety.

The police have mentioned stalking and harassment.

You are brave and strong to have come this far.
His actions are not your responsibility, do not feel responsible for him.

It’s a long road to recovery, I’m months out and think I will need therapy.

Have you read any books on abuse,
Pat Craven living with the dominator, Lundy Bancroft why does he do that are both good.

Please keep posting and sharing x*x

[Twix]

Thanks for reaching out, I can’t believe this happened, I’ve questioned whether it was me being paranoid & whether his behaviour was actually normal.

Like you we were together decades, I could have written your post, my experience has been identical, with lots more to add, except he never stopped me showering.
The list of ‘suitors’ ranged from people walking past the house, in the street, to work colleagues, my boss & friends.

There were red flags from the start but being young I ignored them & of course it was great for years, we were so happy together that’s what breaks my heart.

I hope you’re getting some support since you left. I’ve just started to read Donna Lancasters The Bridge, which talks about grief & loss, but I’ll definitely check out your recommendations. I’ve only got my mum & I do worry the stress of the situation will badly affect both our elderly mums.

It’s so difficult having such a close family unit torn apart, but when you reach the point you know it’s not healthy or safe, you have to take action. I’ve done it for my son as much as myself, but I still desperately want him to have a good relationship with his dad.

Take care xx

[Footballfan1]

Hi Twix,

It’s his actions that have caused the family unit to be torn apart, not you.
Like you said, there’s only so much you can take.
It was never going to get any better.

You are not paranoid, its definitely his behaviour that’s unhinged.

Thanks for the book recommendation, I will look at the bridge too.

We had to do it for our children, and ourselves.
I have recently been referred to MARAC which is multi agency support.
I’m hoping to get counselling for me and the kids.
What they witnessed was horrific.
He was still trying to use them to spy on me, until I’ve gone 0 contact with him and the kids.
Keep posting, I hope you are getting support too xx

[Twix]

I wonder how I was supposed to be fitting in all these affairs when I’m working full time & if not at home at the office, I must be superwoman!

I’m sorry to hear he’s been using the children, it really isn’t fair on them & they don’t realise what’s happening. I worry about the impact too.

We too have been referred to MARAC but told today that counselling referrals are closed as they’re oversubscribed. Looking into other options via community based MH support team where you can self refer.
Xx

[Footballfan1]

I agree Twix,
We must be superwoman!!
I work full time too, and have the children all the time when not working.
Like you said, when do we fit in time for these affairs?

Thanks for the heads up, I was hoping for counselling through MARAC, but if they are oversubscribed, I’ll have to look at other options as you suggested.
Keep strong, we need to for our children.
xx

[Hereforhelp]

Yes they do tear a family apart and expecting a good relationship with an abusive father is nigh impossible as they don’t become different people around their children, they will use them as porns to win.
Both your stories are so similar to mine.. also decades married.
I was raised with the belief that divorce is wrong, you work through problems when married no matter what and you do not discuss…. well that archaic out dated.
I am (detail removed by Moderator) out with 2 young teenagers and we are far happier… I did try to co parent but due to husband asking about me and basically grooming them (expensive gifts if they saw him, nothing if one didn’t see him) … fast forward and we are all zero contact and that’s when we have healed, that’s what worked for us along with therapy ❤️ good luck

[Footballfan1]

Thanks Hereforhelp,

I think we will have to go down the same route as you.
Well done for getting you and the children through that horrible experience.
X

[Twix]

Totally agree with Footballfan1, we need to role model for our children whilst protecting them foremost.

Hereforhelp – was there ever any diagnosis for your ex? It’s so positive to hear how you’ve started to heal since you got out & after so long it feels so hard like it’s your whole life that’s ripped away. I know time & counselling will heal.
(Detail removed by Moderator) xx

[StrongLife]

That all sounds very difficult.

For myself I was accused of having affairs with every guy I met or even mentioned. The postman, electrician, men that crossed my path. It just became constant accusations that were very difficult to hear as I was not even noticing these men and gave no indication of things like that.

I found it endearing at first then realised the extent of it later. This was a severe behaviour problem on his part. It became ridiculous and controlling in The end of the marriage.

I hear you on this. It’s very difficult to deal with

[Twix]

Stronglife, it’s draining right, sometimes you might look up & catch someone’s eye walking toward you, that person was then someone you fancied, it was insane. I used to keep my head down or turn the other way if men were approaching, to save being accused.

[StrongLife]

I had never come across this level of jealousy- it just got worse. He was jealous of ridiculous things in the end. It was like a male in a book he got jealous of and I had to quickly flip the page so I did not get ridiculous accusations about this book guy??? Albeit he would find fault in the end for the next guy.

Difficult time dealing with that. Now, this does not even cross my mind – if I want to talk I talk whether that be to male or female.

I am out of the relationship and moving on.

It was extremely controlling.

[Twix]

Oh I hear this, was accused of fancying people in films, made me feel very uncomfortable, it’s not even reality! Definitely an insecurity on his part.
I’m thinking of watching Magic Mike tonight now he’s gone just because I can, yet I still feel guilty for even considering it. That’s the impact from years of it.

[Footballfan1]

It’s crazy how we still feel guilt isn’t it.
I feel wrong doing normal things that I know he didn’t like.
I ordered a takeway for a treat for me and the kids tonight.
I felt such an overwhelming feeling of guilt and panic because here I am about to do something nice and I feel bad that he doesn’t have that.
I managed to park the feeling in the end and enjoy the evening with my kids.

[Twix]

Good for you. I think that part of reclaiming yourself is doing the things you didn’t do before for fear of how they’d react. I felt guilty having a coffee with a friend & would always be rushing back if I did, she pointed this out to me recently & I think I knew I did it but brushed it off to keep the peace.

[Footballfan1]

Yeh your right.
I’m glad you have noticed what you are doing because you are able to work on things you are aware of.
Its the not even being aware of what you are doing or why that causes problems.
It will take time, patience and understanding from ourselves and also people around us to get through our healing xx

[Author]

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