Depressed about men always chasing younger women

[SunshineRainflower]

I hope this doesn’t sound really silly and trivial compared to what so many of you are currently going through whilst still involved with your abusers.

Since ending things it has been such a rollercoaster like everyone told me it would. At the moment he is back in my head every day. Last night I got so upset thinking about one thing in particular he did that I only got to sleep for around 3.30am and woke up at 7am so I feel fragile today.

What upset me was remembering how he deliberately showed me the social media page of this woman on instagram who started out as a pro athlete but got more attention posting up-skirt and down-cleavage shots so that’s all she does now still under the guise of being an ‘athlete.’ Something about her profile triggers so many of my issues! I have since been thinking that it is another example of how my ex seem to watch and monitor me for my insecurities before subtly dropping landmines at my feet that he knew would rub salt in my wounds and make me feel even worse about the things that already bothered me. Did your abusers do this too? Isn’t it horrible how they seem to know EXACTLY what to say and do to get to us, like a finely tuned army that wastes no energy on ineffective tactics, their goal seems to be to lower our self esteem to as low as possible with minimum effort to take us down and they are very good at it.

When I was younger I used to (like many, many young women) get a lot of attention from men. It always made me feel uncomfortable especially since it started when I was 13 and a lot of the men were much older and at first I didn’t understand why because the thought of it was so gross. I was always a shy girl and didn’t like this attention as I was self conscious, but because I had absorbed the sexist belief from my brother that ‘as long as you are young and pretty then you will be accepted’ I felt relieved that this attention meant that I was ‘approved of’ and accepted by men. So being young and pretty became part of my identity, the same way it was part of the identity of many of my friends. Then, after I left education and started work I was hit with clinical suicidal depression and my life changed, I went into therapy and looked back at my whole life and realised how superficial it had been. Since then I have tried to cultivate who I really am, someone who is mostly quiet (for years I’d been trying to be like extroverts when I was super introverted by nature), creative, loves animals, likes working alone, loves nature.

The problem has been, that I still want to appeal to men as I would like a partner, but find men don’t really care about your hobbies or achievements, they only care about what you look like. And as the years go by I feel extremely aware of my fading looks, my ageing and the greatly reduced amount of attention I receive (it dropped off massively when I hit about 22, like that was old!) I haven’t felt comfortable in photographs for years and always just feel silly, self conscious and that I don’t like how I look any more as I can see how my looks have changed – my hair has got a bit thinner and has started to go grey, my face shape has changed slightly, and I don’t have my 22 year old body any more. I know attention doesn’t equal a loving relationship, but I have this terrible fear that I won’t be able to find a man who likes me enough to choose to be with me and stop chasing other women.

When I was younger I had several boyfriends and dressed and acted how they wanted me to but they still treated me terribly so even being young and pretty and looking/acting how men wanted didn’t stop me from being treated badly. It’s like women can’t win, we are doomed either way.

After an emotionally abusive relationship years ago I cut my hair and started dressing more ‘tomboyish’ but it still made no difference to how I was treated as I then ended up getting involved with my most recent abusive ex.

I hate dating sites, I hate the modern way of dating. They make me feel like I’m in competition with 20 year olds, a competition I will always lose every time, yet some men who are OLDER than me act like I am now too old for them which is so depressing I can’t even explain. I much preferred it when men we met through hobbies etc just asked us out. They were always much more respectful, took things slower, wanted to take me on proper dates. Now I find a lot of men ignore me, ghost me, treat me like rubbish. I was already feeling massively insecure and anxious about what feels like my ‘ticking expiry date clock’ when I met my ex. I felt so relieved to have met him thinking ‘finally I have met a lovely man and can leave this dreadful dating world which I can’t stand!!’ But instead of it being the loving relationship I had imagined, it is like he managed to magnify those fears and insecurities so now I feel even worse and more panicky as I’m another year older. He said things that implied that, even though he was several years older than me, he could easily date women younger than me (which is true, but I didn’t need him to remind me), paraded this sports/glamour model who is 10 years younger than me in my face making me feel lousy because I can never be that age again nor do I look like a glamour model.

I have such an issue with the hypersexualisation of women in the media, it literally makes me feel all panicky and stressed and depressed when I see photos of women posed half naked in a sleazy way. It’s not the nudity that bothers me, it is the sleaze, for example I don’t have a problem with artwork displaying nudes as it is showing the natural human form and the skill of the artist, it is just that hypersexual sleazy vibe that these posed social media pictures have that depresses me no end. I think it’s because to me it represents the view: ‘if you are a woman it is irrelevant what you can do or who you are as a person, you just need to be aged 15-22 and pose sexily for men to objectify you and that is all you will be valued for.’

So last night I went down the rabbit hole of thinking ‘I’ll never meet anyone, all men want sexy 22 year old glamour models, being me isn’t enough, I am doomed’ and this made me feel terrible as I would really like a partner and child before I am too old to have children.

Sometimes I wish I was gay so that I didn’t have to deal with men, their misogny and the way they look at photos of women like this (not to mention porn), I can’t bare it, it makes me feel so depressed.

Sorry to keep going on about this. I probably need to find a therapist, I just have no money and am still on a long waiting list for the free one.

Does anyone else feel like this about sleaze in the media, all these social media ‘glamour models,’ and how men always seem to be chasing very young women? Does it bother you? How do you deal with it? I am in my (detail removed by moderator) and can only see this getting worse and feel like I need to find a way to deal with it better. I’m also worried it will make me run into another abusive relationship for fear of ‘running out of time,’ today I thought ‘oh god maybe I should put a profile on a dating site again’ even though I feel quite depressed and not ready to date I just feel like my time is running out.

[Serenity]

Hugs, Sunshine Rainflower,

My ex was very slimy around younger women and girls. We used to just students and were meant to be in a parenting role, but he’d be embarrassingly showy-offy the prettier and younger they were, completely ignoring the fact I was there serving up dinner and flirting openly with them.

He used to eyeball younger women from the car, and towards the end he used to cruelly say that he ‘wouldn’t say no to a 20 year old.’ He even said this to my poor sister, when she confided in us that her husband was having some relationship with a girl in her twenties that was a bit inappropriate. Cruel man.

What never occurred to him was that maybe younger girls would nut actually want him! Of course not- he sees himself as some kind of god, that’s why!

He’s actually now a woman who is older than me. I think a younger woman would want him to look after her and to give to her- but he’s too selfish for that. He has nothing to recommend himself.

I had a horrible time after he left, thinking I was ugly, old, past it, with out. He’d left me feeling 80 years old, and he’d made horrible comments about my grey hairs and wrinkles.

I probably did look haggard- because I was with him. I had no time for self care and healthy eating plans. He censored my trips to the hairdresser.

Fast forward a couple of years, and I feel great. People say I look much younger. This is due to not being in the same vicinity as him – vampire that he was, draining all my energy – but I’ve also begun to look after my health. I am eating really healthily, exercising and do my hair every six weeks.

But – cliche though it sounds- looks alone aren’t what makes a person. Yes, looking after yourself can help your confidence along, and it’s nice to feel attractive to your partner, and nice to make an effort for them- but looks alone can’t sustain a relationship. Character is what is most substantial.

You and I don’t want the kind of man to whom looks are all important. We want a partner who has a substantial personality, morals, an interest in the world and other people, a positive outlook…

Young people don’t have the monopoly on happiness. That was brought home to me this very week. One of my sons is seeing a girl who seems to be playing all kinds of unkind mind games. As we get older, we get a clearer idea of who we are and what we want in our life. That makes for happiness.

I do feel sickened by the trussing up of women in revealing clothes for men’s pleasure, in the social media. But I know that abuse exists in same sex relationships – even amongst women. I think the important thing is to learn to honour and embrace ourselves where we are right now. No age is the perfect age. Youth is often governed by naivety and a lack of confidence, which means vulnerability. There’s lots of people who are young and beautiful who are filled with angst, and their relationships are unhealthy and unsatisfying.

Take pride in who you are and embrace your feminity!

[Tiffany]

I am doing the internet dating thing and getting a lot of interest from younger men… Abusers are good at getting us to think that most men think like them. I don’t know that that is true. Sure, there are a lot of sleazy men on the internet and I have a feeling that they are amplified by the internet as they have no qualms of sending 50 identical chat up lines to 50 different women in the hopes of sex, but the nice ones are still out there. I have met two so far in real life, and most of the men I have talked to on the app I am using have been respectful, if not interesting and interested in me. But you can still meet men at clubs or doing hobbies if that appeals more. It just takes longer because you meet fewer people.

Also from what you have said about your brother I would say that you definitely don’t want to take him advice on what men find appealling. You don’t want to end up with a man like him!

[Tiffany]

Abusers are 100% tuned into our insecurities and play on them for all they are worth. My ex saved up tiny pieces of information that I told him in the early years together, and used them sometimes years later when he wanted to hurt me. It’s all incredibly clever, and incredibly manipulative. Like I told him something that my sister had told me as teenagers that had hurt me. He waited a couple of years until I was getting too close to my sister in his eyes, then pretended to have had a conversation with her where she had expressed a similar sentiment. And I was hurt both by her as I thought and by him for repeating it. Of course she had said no such thing. He had just made it up to hurt me. My brain doesn’t work in a way that I could even begin to use information like that. But they obviously can.

[IrisAtwood]

I think a lot of this is to do with our value lying with others rather than with ourselves. We perceive our value through how we think others see us.
I am aware of my age, my size, my appearance and think about how I look and dress in relation to how men see me. The men who approach me when I am dressed in an stereotypically attractive way are not the men who I would go out with, but I still like dressing that way sometimes.
My ex was controlling about how I looked and dressed. He didn’t like make up, styled hair, shaved legs or dressing up (high heels, smart but sexy clothes) When he met me I was quite high maintenance and was always made up and dressed for my professional role. He wanted to destroy me, so that was a big thing to attack.
You are right by the way, our culture is focussed on youth and sex. Women are treated as objects whose worth is determined by their looks and availability. It is sickening.
I am so glad that I am not a young woman in this period. The many young women who I knew (14-18) were under so much pressure to look a certain way, and those girls who rebelled were labelled as geeks or freaks.
It is depressing and worrying.

[fridges]

Hello, Sunshinerainflower,
You should recognise it is one of the tactics of abusers. It is one of the very successful ways to demolish your self confidence and many of us did not have one to start with. What was already fragile, get easily smashed and taken away.
I always felt I’m not good enough for him.
See your beauty with your eyes! NOT Through the eyes of men! This is what I say to myself everyday, it is one of my motivation. I can not be judged and someone decide my value for me, what i’m worth. Specially an abusive man. He is sick in his head.
I have been through this few times. I’m really wanting to survive this, I’m really wanting to break this circle of abuse.
Women are precious, we have the ability to give life, we have ability to give love, we have a beauty in us, just by being there! We do not need to be like glamour models or super skinned in order someone will love you. And even them can be abused, and treated like not human.
Healthy men will not look at your look, they will not judge you only by the look.
I was only(detail removed by Moderator) when I met the first abuser, and I had the glamour look and can be on the magazine. And even then I was ugly, I was too old, too fat, to stupid and list can go on. When I look back now – I laugh to myself, this was coming from a man, who is really ugly, who has a belly, plus never has been to university, and double of my age.
The worst thing – I believed I’m ugly, I’m worthless and I’m what he says to me and the way he treated me.
I was curvy and he made a shame of my body, that is fat, and not the right shape.
And he was telling me, that I’m the ugliest girlfriend he ever had in his lifetime. I remember in the start, when I have just moved in, he bring the album and started to show me, his (detail removed by Moderator) girlfriend – who had long gorgeous hair, model type, the body was perfect too, face. Of course it effected me, I started to compare myself to her. As I did not have super skinny model legs. I’m shorter, and I’m curvy. And my hair are different colour. And my eyes are not green, but different colour.
I had acne in my life and on my face was some scarring, you will not believe what I have to hear from this man about it.

Now I’m not letting any men to judge me by the look, I’m older now, of course my body started to change, but I’m accepting it, I put a bit on weight, but this is my body. I need to take care and love it.
Focus on you now! It is only about you now! Now it is your time! Focus on improving your life, focus on growing your self esteem. You become empowered, you feel better and there will be a time, you will meet good man.
When you will do the job on self esteem – your life start changing. You will feel the right for a better!
Because I started to read a lot about abuse and manipulation, about rape and everything. I understood it is not my fault, I was not giving myself even the right to open up, that I actually worth to get a help, to ask for help, even to speak to someone about my feelings. I was so ashamed to what it happened to me over the years.

Other abuser – who even worse than the first one, played mind games, manipulations, emotional abuse, lying. I genuinely thought he is my friend. And he turned out even more evil than the first one.
I guess with him it was the last drop in the ocean, where I went so down and almost died.
Because I gave the right to me, to listening to my feelings, to value actually what I feel, and how it makes me feel.
I realised that my self worth was so low that actually he raped me on number of times, I was not even feeling worth that I can confront on this, that I should answer back. It is not right what you are doing, I said no!

He used to rape me and say to me, it is you, it is my own doing, I’m too beautiful, he can not stay away from me. Or other thing – you are so sexy, that I have constantly my d**k hard on, I can not control it.

And after the rape, he drug me into more abuse, as he started to blackmail me, sex happened and I need to be nice, so it will not come up to the person whom I loved. He knew I love someone else and he knew I do not want to see him, and i never be with him, he is only friend. And when rape happened, it was total shock to me. As I though he is my friend, he never will do such thing to me. But he did it, and put it on me, this is my own doing, I’m too beautiful, he can not stay away from me.

I felt trapped, I felt I can not escape and need to comply with his demands, as he did many mind games.

Finally I opened up about it – and I give the right to myself to say what happen to the right person, who can help me to deal with. I met two amazing women – who helped me so much in the rape centre. That what is happen it is not my fault.

If he will not leave me alone now. or I meet him by coincidence somehow – I just call 999 and ask police, to remove him from me.
I gave the right to myself that it is NOT OK to treat me this way! IT IS NOT OK to abuse me!
And I’m now willing to PROTECT MYSELF, as I’m worth, I’m human being and no human being deserve to be abused.
No longer I want to wear this mask – i’m having a normal life, when i was actually not, living in hell.

[fridges]

Tiffany mentioned about dating sites.
I think it can be very dangerous platform for you, to start to be there when you are not healed, when you did not yet the do the job on giving love to yourself, value, respect, that you deserve good treatment in life.
There will be many men who can be not exactly who will become a nice partner, lots of men will look for the short term thing. And you can be left with more disappointments, specially when you are now so fragile and still very sore.
You only at the start of recovery, you need to detach from past, you should put no value to whatever was said to you. This man opinion is worthless. Understand that things about your look and personality said in order to have the control over you.
Women can be beautiful, at 20, at 30, at 40, at 50. If now you will be in the rush to meet new man, you put yourself on dangerous ice and it can break. As you did not feel powerful, did not healed yet.
When we are feeling ourselves this way, it puts us in a vulnerable.
Instead of asking what you have to offer?
Ask yourself what he actually has to offer to you? Is he actually good enough for you.
Not does he like me? Do I like him? Is he actually what I need? is his personality a good match for me? his morals standart is good? Does he have respect to others? Does he have a good, clean heart?
Do not worry, with time you will get there. No one has the right to push you or expect you to be in a new relationship straight away.
That you do not have a man in your life, it does not mean you are failure or something wrong with you.
Even if you meet someone, take time to get to know him well, before giving away your precious femininity. It is priceless!

NOW it is all about you! YOU AND ONLY YOU! Now it is the time to protect yourself, to love yourself, to care about yourself. When you will learn this, there will be no men who have the opportunity to come in your life, abuse you or use you.
You will attract healthy type of men.
Look inside you, what you would like? What you would like to do it? What are your dreams? Even if they are little, you deserve to make them to come true.

If you want to look better – make healthy eating choices. Treat you body with love, give the vitamins, minerals, good food.
Your body will be grateful to you, it will start to respond to love and care what you give.
The same do to your heart, and soul. Give it the right food which nourish you inside.

And stay away from toxic people. Always remind yourself – you do not need to deal with them. You have the right to take them out of your life. IT IS YOUR LIFE NOW!

If you want to look beautiful, DO IT only for yourself, not in order to get a man. You will grow strong with time.
I’m still on recovering path. Sometimes I slip, I feel very bad. But then I get up and I carry on.

I feel very much for what you are going through. I feel very much for all women who are here with broken trust, broken lives.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Sunshine, I totally understand what you said in your post and feel very like you. Except I’m a lot older and have had my family who are now adults. My husband is a decade older than me, but has never looked it or behaved older.
I have a theory that these abusers target quiet, shy, kind and gentle women. I don’t really want to become a ball buster to avoid being abused again either. My theory is that it’s more about confidence. I’m not a confident person and never have been. However, when I’m having a good day and I’m happy whether I’m with friends/family or alone I have seen men looking at me, some lovely smiles and occasionally a few have spoken to me. I’m not ready for a relationship, I’m not out of my abusive marriage.
I’m only telling you this because it’s something I have observed. I’m guessing I’m old enough to be your mother, have grey hair I’ve started dying to boost my confidence and loads of wrinkles etc etc. Most of the time I hate myself and don’t believe anyone would be interested in me, those occasions I never see men looking at me or smiling.
I think as has been mentioned by learning to feel good about ourselves and being happy others automatically feel more attracted to us even if it is just a smile. I was doing some exercises a few months ago, designed to boost my confidence and made me feel more positive. One was to smile at everyone I met as I walked down the street. I walked down several with my head down to start with, but eventually I did smile at several people (mostly women), but still, everyone smiled back and made me feel stronger and so pleased with myself I was grinning like a Cheshire Cat. I then looked up right into a man’s face. He smiled broadly and said hello- totally freaked me out. I said hi and darted off with my head down. Like I said I’m not ready for that, but joining a self-help group or online or reading books and articles on improving your confidence, self image and esteem will help you to learn to accept who you are, like yourself and eventually love yourself and not worry about what others think of you. People have been telling me to love myself and look after myself since I was little. I just didn’t know how.
Last year I started reading a lot of articles about improving my self esteem and confidence (mind & NHS websites) and counselling was helping too until ‘abuse’ was mentioned. For the first time in my life it was working and I was feeling stronger and much more confident. Some of the exercises seem quite silly, some seem impossible, but it’s worth a try. Good luck 😊

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you ladies for all your replies, I wasn’t sure whether to post this thread as I felt like I was whining/moaning so I appreciate all your insights and thoughts about it, it has made me feel better.

It is very true that I have always got my validation and self esteem from exernal things, mostly from being accepted by men. I was very aware of how my brother was always declaring that certain girls at school were ‘so ugly’ or fat so I think I internalised ‘must never be fat and ugly, must always be appealing in order to be accepted and not criticised/bullied.’ I am educated and have good qualifications and achievements but somehow they never really seem to boost my confidence all that much and I ended up with all these qualifications but too depressed to work. When I trained in a certain field I didn’t do well in it partly because they said I wasn’t confident enough, I often struggle to know how to be more confident, probably because of the environment I grew up in.

I do feel more in tune with who I am now. I read about a Self Esteem workbook so maybe I could give that a go. I watched a really good youtube video the other day from a therapist who talked about self sabotage – she said if you are self sabotaging, you have low self esteem and it made a lot of sense. I self sabotage a lot, I am going to be more mindful of it this year and rather than beating myself up about it, try to guide myself back into a loving mindset towards myself.

It’s funny about the age thing because I realise it is a mindset. For whatever reason I have felt ‘old’ since I was very young, about 22 in fact! I remember a girl nicknamed me ‘grandma’ on a trip I was on because I didn’t want to get drunk and run around naked (literally) like the others. I think I’ve always been slightly cynical about everything which is probably where the feeling of ‘oldness’ comes from. When I was mid twenties I met a grandmother who was in her 50s who was much cooler, sexier and more glamorous than me and it made me realise it was a mindset. I didn’t feel confident enough to be like that. I’m just not quite sure how to shift my mindset to feeling more positive rather than ‘old and cynical.’ I sigh a lot and often feel like life is an uphill impossible struggle.

The two women who are married/engaged to the British princes are older than me yet very youthful, glamorous and attractive, I have to keep reminding myself that as I keep feeling so fed up, washed up, ‘over the hill.’ It seems to be a persistent belief I have about myself that I would love to shift because I can imagine that when I’m 90 I will think ‘how silly of me to waste all those years feeling old when I was young and could have just been enjoying my body and my life.’

I agree that my abusive ex really seems to have magnified these fears I had almost like he was saying ‘yes you are too old, too fat, over the hill’ without directly saying it. He made comments about what I ate and drank and despite being underweight at the time due to anxiety I felt greedy. Ever since I find myself thinking ‘is this too big a portion, maybe I am a fat greedy person?’ which I never used to think before I met him, it is rubbish how these men can haunt us for a long time afterwards with all their toxic put downs and misogyny. It’s like I have internalised the misogyny that I have experienced and don’t know how to expel it from my mind. It’s like I have adopted my brother’s and my ex’s horrible negative beliefs about women.

I quit my old gym last year partly due to cost but see there is one near my new place which is much cheaper so I might give that a go as working out always helps give me a boost and usually makes me like my body more. I’m making more of an effort with my appearance when depression doesn’t get in the way, I do much prefer wearing feminine fitted clothes rather than baggy old shirts etc so I am wearing more things like this and it is helping me feel a bit more like myself.

[Author]

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