Depressed again

[Meringue]

Hi, I’m new here. Not sure if its abusive but I’m just so unhappy. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time, but I think its my fault because I let things go and don’t challenge him. He gets very angry which I don’t like, but he also ignores what I say repeatedly and then tells me I’m going on about it if I say it again. And each thing that happens seems small at the time – he’ll talk over me, or make a face at something I say, or contradict me if I ask the children to do something. sometimes I think I should just stand up for myself, but I feel so exhausted. Almost everyone thinks he’s wonderful and people are always saying how lucky I am to have such a good man, and what a lovely family we are and my heart is breaking because it feels so far from the truth. Sometimes I think I’m going mad because the things he says are just not true – that we’ve “always done xx” when actually we’ve never done it ever, even though I’ve suggested it lots of times. Most of the time we just don’t talk, but if we argue he gets really upset and shakes and cries and ‘just wants me to support him with this one thing’ etc.

[Escaped not free]

Hello there. It’s abusive behaviour. Undermining, contradicting, not allowing or acknowledging your perceotions is very damaging control. It was this behaviour that broke me and us. Talk to someone outside of yourselves, call the helpline, try to get counselling, talk to someone who will actually listen. My ex had me utterly demented to the point I couldn’t function. I was a strong, independent mother of three who worked full time in one of the most stressful settings you could imagine and his constant undermining made me crazy. I ended up sitting in a supermarket carpark crying because I couldn’t do a shopping for the anxiety of getting it all wrong. Everyone thinks he’s great, thought we were happy as that’s what he wanted people to think. It’s a horrible place to be as you feel like an imposter and a failure in your own reality. Getting distance gives you more perspective. My ex is now in therapy to, ” become a better person”. When I saw him the other night though he started accusing me of things that were blatantly untrue and would not listen when I told him so. He kept talking over me with his reality which justified his horrible sulking, low mood and using me as an emotional punch bag. By the time he’d seen a psychiatrist the next day he’d said he was sorry, he knew he needed to communicate better, he’s going to work on that. This is how we are manipulated, he doesn’t need to communicate better, just stop abusing by making up lies and holding us accountable for a false reality to justify their outbursts. I pointed this out and not heard from him which is fine. The truth gets so easily distorts as they are master manipulators. Please don’t feel this is you. Is it everyone who makes you feel this way or just him? There’s your answer……you don’t have these issues with your friends, they don’t do this to you. He does because he can and being on top and in control comes above all other things.xxxx

[Herindoors]

Hi Meringe. This is emotional abuse. You are walking on eggshells but confused about why you don’t stand up to him. You don’t stand up to him because you know it will make him angry and your brain goes into survival mode and unconciously you choose to keep quiet to avoid his anger (and survive). Nearly every women on here would say that to the outside world their abusers came accross as good men, charming, etc…but behind closed doors it is a differant matter. This is why it is so confusing and why we wonder if there is something wrong with us and not them.

This – Sometimes I think I’m going mad because the things he says are just not true – that we’ve “always done xx” when actually we’ve never done it ever, even though I’ve suggested it lots of time – is called Gas Lighting. It is a form of abuse designed to confuse you.

When you first begin to realise it is abuse that in itself is very confusing because as normal people it is hard to get our heads around how anyone could purposfully and conciously act that way. Its even harder for outsiders to get their heads around – people who have never witnessed or experienced abuse and only see the nice version of him. Because in many cases there are no bruises or broken bones people don’t believe it. They also struggle to understand why we don’t immediately leave these relationships. There are lots of reasons for that including Trauma Bonding.

Keep reading the posts on here and you will see how you are not mad and he is abusive.

Calling the helpline will help you even further to clarify what is really going on. And if you make a decision that you want to leave they can help you with a safety plan, all at your own speed, never any pressue to act.

Good luck xx

[Meringue]

Thank you. It’s so helpful to read others experiences here and to realise i’m not the only one. I feel really wobbly though. Got some antidepressants from the GP yesterday. I feel such a mess. I’m struggling slightly to admit to myself whats really going on v but I understand the part about not responding and survival. I think i’ve done that with my stepmother nearly all my life.

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