Depressed today

[Serenity]

I feel really very low.

My youngest child’s upset has taken its toll. Last night, I did something I haven’t done for a long time and called the Samaritans. I also called the NSPCC about my youngest, as I wanted a clear plan as to what to do if he gets worse.

They said I had done the right thing to tell the school and they suggested going down the route of school and SS if my son gets more distressed, rather than CAFCASS. They said evidence from the school and SS would be valuable as proof of it ends up going back to court and I need to alter the contact order.

I am very upset by my son’s obvious distress. I knew that this time would come, that my ex’s mask would fall, but it’s almost like my body doesn’t feel ready for coping with this new wave of upset.

My mother had leapt on the band wagon and keeps texting me 5 times a day- how is my son, who have I called, I mustn’t leave it, etc. It’s the old control. She tries to take over and somehow suggest I needs direction, when I am
Perfectly capable of dealing with things, of making careful decision. I think
I feel exhsusted really because of her interference. She was sending me long emails, going on about how I need to tell CAFCASS, that they will have nothing on me, I need to call them straight away etc- when in fact that’s not how I operate, I think before I act and I prefer to follow the wisdom of people who know about DV and manipulative tactics. Sure enough, the NSPCC said to not call CAFCASS first of all, as it could look that I am blaming my ex without evidence. I tried to tell my family this the other evening, but my mother and sister were. loudly telling me the opposite.

When I went to counselling, my counsellor was horrified at how members of my family treat me like I am without insight and try to take over my life, diminishing me in the process. With my mum at least, it’s like she waits until I am in a crisis situation. And swoops on in to take control and diminish my role in the process. I would say that she might merely be concerned for my son, except that my counsellor was horrified at some examples I gave of how cruel she has been to me when I have been at my lowest.

It’s hard to take your own mother being unkind when you are starting to deal with a crisis situation.

My mother lent me money to buy out my ex, and when she offered I did actually say to her that I would only accept if she didn’t see it as a green light to them control my life. She’s been careful for a while, but now it’s like shesswooling on in again, and enjoying making me feel small. My mother can be lovely most of the time, but she has cycles where she can be quite unkind. It’s my sisters agree that this is a fact.

I think I might return to counselling of some kind if my ex is upping the abuse with my youngest. It might help me cope better. It’s all very triggering.

As for my mother, I think she might needs other talk, to leave me to deal with my own kids. She didn’t remarry after my dad and she is forever going about saying how bored she is and how restless she is- a bit like my ex was, never relaxed or happy. It’s very emotionally immature and attention-seeking. My ex and her definitely share some traits. I only found out after my marriage ended that during my marriage, my ex and my mum would send quite rude and angry texts to one another. My mum claimed my ex was very rude to her, which I can imagine was true, but the fact no one told me shows how little respect I was shown by both of them. My mother has a way of punishing anyone who is disrespectful to her, and I can imagine she went off on. If rents with my ex. She should not have being doingvthst and not informing me if the situation. If I meet anyone in the future, I will be sure not to give her their number, as I feel that a type of jealousy makes her try to impose on my relationship and my partners. Proof if the disrespect that she and my ex. It’s showed me was the fact that she said that my ex spoke to her about his property plans and she gave him financial
Advice- yet I was kept in the dark about such plans. She was probably at the time flattered by him asking her for advice, but it went too
Far- it was like so wasn’t even in the equation. And then when he began to be rude to her, she became quite vitriolic Towards him. But she should have told me about it all.

My counsellor said that she sensed that I felt ‘invisible’ in my family of origin and even in my marriage, as far as him not redirecting my right to choice – like my opinions didn’t matter. It’s true, I have very dominant people in my family who assume they know better than me and are very patronising. But in fact, I can see the faults in their outlook and they see things in a completely different way than I do, and how I have been advised by experts. I’m not stupid. I have researched my situation in depth, and I think I possess some understanding.

My mother has a side to her personality that when she is crossed, she can get quite mean and she has no sense of boundaries when she is angry. I remember her bursting in on my eldest when he was (age removed by moderator) and having a bath, pulling up a chair to sit next to him and trying to force him to listen to her, despite his pleas that he was naked. I went in and told her to go out, as he had no clothes on. I told my DV workers at the time, and they looked at each other with eyebrows raised, and said that was very out of order and transgressed boundaries in a huge way. Funny, my ex also used when I was immobilised in the bath trying to abuse me too. It must be a pattern.

Sorry to rant. I am really feeling my boundaries are being transgressed on all
Sides.

[lover of no contact]

Hi serenity,

You are feeling the way you do because you have had contact with 3 people who have the behaviour patterns of trying to control, assert control and regain control. Your feelings are a normal response to being in indirect contact with your ex (his affect on your son’s mind and emotions), your mum and your sister.

You feel like you do because you have been on the receiving end of ‘the control’ behaviour.

Its not you. Your mum needed a bit of an adrenaline hit. You are a target she knows well. You were vulnerable. She knows if she can effect you and you feel low then she will feel more in control and she desperately has that need of feeling powerful. Your sister has always taken the role of siding with your mum so will take her side and come down hard on you.

I recognise it because it is the same in my family. My mum is abuser. She needed to feel powerful. She got her ‘highs’ from making my dad and I feel bad. My brother sided with her.

With my children, my ex needs to get his power kicks from feeding off the emotion of my daughter and I. He ‘pushes our buttons’ or tries the control tactics. We feel bad, he feels good. If I feel strong and my daughter is in a good place he doesn’t like that. We are easy targets as he has primed us for so long. Same with your mum. she has worked hard on you over the years, it is easy to hoover you up again so she can get her ‘fix’. She maybe (being older) doesn’t have as many opportunities (targets) as she did to get her power surges, so she swoops in on you knowing your ex’s indirect contact has you feeling vulnerable. She has powered herself up at your expense.

My mum is the same that’s why I recognise it.

If its any consolation the way you are feeling ( feeling terrible) is how your son is feeling after your ex has been carrying out his behaviours towards him. Your son is feeling terrible because he has been on the receiving end of his dad trying to 1) control, 2)assert control 3) regain control.

Just as you will feel better away from your ex, mum and sister after a few days so will your son. Their behaviours are exhausting, weakening and head wrecking. A little bit of No Contact strategy for a while, or Grey Rock Method will restore your emotions to calm.

Also with your mum, no matter what she says/advises…just smile and say yes…then do whatever you want to do..a good rule of thumb is do the opposite.

‘Let her think she is in control while you run the show’.

[Serenity]

Thank you, LONC,

I know that you have similar experiences to me, and it’s good to hear back from someone who understands.

You are right, I’m feeling low because of the contact with their behaviour. Reasserting my boundaries and distance will help.

Thank you x

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Serenity, I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so down. I agree with LONC. I think your reaction to the current situation with your youngest has been fed to you by your mum. I suspect the very thought of returning to court and CAFCASS with all it entailed fills you with horror (it would me) but I think your mum might enjoy returning to that drama. I don’t think CAFCASS or courts are really too bothered once children reach a certain age. They start to consider time with friends more important than either parent and can make their own choices. When my daughter had become too distressed for too long I stopped forcing her to go and switched to telling her I would fully support whatever she wanted. I think she felt a bit less distressed just for having a little more control over the situation, though it’s a terribly hard decision for any child to have to make. I agree that taking yourself away from your family’s reach for a while is the way forward and try hard not to share any concerns with them in the future. You don’t need them messing with your head when you’re slightly wobbly. Give yourself some space and perspective. You know you know what’s right and you know you can handle this. You’re completely justified to feel violated and angry – how dare they?! X*x

[White Rose]

Hi Serenity
Sometines so many things hit us all at once and whereas we’d cope fine with one of them, they add up to a mountain of stress and that multiplies exponentially.
You’ve had a tough week so don’t be hard on yourself. Even someone with your strength and resilience is allowed to crumble a bit and have down days.
Things will pick up again. Have some breathing space from your mum.
Well done for reaching out for help and it sounds as if the pros gave you sound advice.
I hope things feel a little less bleak tomorrow x

[Falling Skys]

Hi

Just want to add my support and say your doing all the right things.

FS x

[Eve1]

Hi Serenity,

sorry your experiencing this. It’s hard enough when our children are suffering because of out exes without people who have their own agenda getting on board inderr the guise of”helping”. Recently my ex in laws have been in touch because they’re “worried about me”, after losing my mum, but when I speak to them they really only want to tell me about themselves, so I don’t contact them and that’s what they’re worried about.

Hope you’re beginning to feel a bit better.

xx

[Nova]

Serenity, I feel for you. As you describe your family’s opinions are actually have a negative impact rather than supportive. As the ladies have said, best to give yourself & your kids some time out & space to breath think & heal.

I’m learning through painful experience, that it’s better not to discuss everything to everybody, I have come to realise that they are actually, as your describing, flooding my clarity. Being controlled again, and as you say’directed’, exactly what we are trying to escape!

I don’t think, with the best intentions, that most lay people, family, friends etc ..are qualified to give advice regarding serious issues, when in the end is such a personal experience. You know and we do, that being bombarded with ‘you should do this, do that or the other’ is just not helpful, practical or realistic! They go back to their life, and your left picking up the pieces, even more confused! Words are all very well, but should be listened to with caution. Don’t we all know about the dominators words, the manipulation achieved through their words, and all the destruction that followed. Tread lightly with others so called advice.
It’s your life your kids and your future, and you doing a good job Serenity, have faith in yourself and your own judgement. If you can’t trust yourself who else can you trust.

Big hugs
Cx

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