1st May 2016 at 3:22 pm #16000
I feel so frustrated and depressed. I do not understand why my abuser happily carries on having other relationships, and I can not seem to do so because he has made me too depressed to even want to get involved with anyone else. I just feel I would like my ego boosting just to know other men are attracted to me. I have no confidence and am comfort eating so putting on loads of weight. Can any one offer me advice.
1st May 2016 at 3:37 pm #16002HealthyarchiveBlocked
Dear Kaza, i am in the same position as you at the moment.
I have thought about this and think that men and women operate on different levels with these sort of things. Mens behavior generally is they (appear to) move on very quickly and get together with other women, women on the other hand do not. But I think when these men are hooking up with new woman, if you really analyze it, they cannot love these woman, most of the time they will not even know them, they might fancy them psysically but that always wears off, and they are still left with their internal issues which contributed towards the abusive relatinshp. I think that abusive men do not love the women they are with longer term, they use or maybe need them as a boost to their ego, someone to have on their arm to make them look good, someone to bully and take out their frustrations on, or as narcissistic fuel. I don’t think that they love them. When I split up I joined an online dating website, i’m not going on any dates but i have found it boosts my ego after I have felt so unattractive as a result of all of this. I get home every day & see that men have asked me out or flirted with me and it makes me feel better. Maybe you can do this? You can do this from the comfort of your own home making very little effort whatsoever. I believe my ex has probably slept with at least 3 women since our split (detail removed by Moderator) months ago, this upsets me but he has power & control issues and these will remain whatever he is doing. X*X
1st May 2016 at 6:00 pm #16017
Thank you for your kind words and you are right I don`t think our abusers are capable of loving anyone.
Yes that is a good idea for an ego boost, as I dont even want to go out at the moment. I have just started pattern changing with womens aid and that is helping me a lot, to realise we are not alone. What worries me is I have fallen into two abusive relationships now, and feel so wary.
1st May 2016 at 6:02 pm #16018Confused123Participant
Give yourself time, we need loads of time to recover from abusive realtionship , they stole our confidence , we have to rebuild it again and start loving ourselves, slowly your self esteem will get rebuilt, i have been out just 18 months and i am only starting to attempt to build my confidence, i went through a stage where i joined dating sites, this is a good way to chat to guys and boost your confidence. By going on site i realized i need to make mysself mentally stronger before i even enter a realtionship but it was a good experience cause i can recognise red flags and know when to keep away. I think healing takes times, we want to fast forward it but we cant
1st May 2016 at 6:36 pm #16022
Yes I think like you say I want to run before I can walk. You are so right it will take time to heal.
2nd May 2016 at 1:56 pm #16102SerenityParticipant
I have been experiencing the very same thoughts from time to time.
Firstly, about how our abusers can appear to move on so quickly when they leave us in such a poor state:
My first counsellor after my separation ( who I saw when I was in the throes of PTSD ) said to me that the marriage had not been what she called an ‘authentic’ relationship.
That is, in an authentic relationship, people people are operating as their true selves, and are permitted to be who they really are and to communicate freely and authentically.
Well, I certainly know I wasn’t permitted to be the real me. He tried to control and mould me, and I was punished for expressing my individuality. If I didn’t reflect him, or adore him, or let him feel he was better than us, the hatred spewed towards us was horrific.
But in terms of him, like all abusers, they aren’t operating authentically either.
Take for example my ex. He is loud, brash, needs to be centre of attention. For him, life is about competition, and he needs to be the best. He employs weak characters who he can bully. He punishes those who stand up to him. Yet, the only time I saw a chunk in his armour was when we were on an aeroplane. He was petrified of landing and take-off. His palms sweated profusely and his eyes were darting around in fear.
This have me an insight into the fact that he was, like bullies are, apparently, cowards under it all. They can’t bear to not be in control and powerful. They are petrified of the thought of extinguishing, of becoming ‘nothing.’ They are basically fearful
of life itself- of losing power, of not having control over people, money and situations.
Don’t feel sorry for them, though. Because they don’t allow themselves to feel their true selves very often. Normally, they are in the unhealthy zone of projecting their fears and jealousy onto other, innocent people. This shows itself as unhealthy and ugly feelings towards others, acted out as abuse.
These abusers aren’t authentic in relationships. When you enter a relationship, you are meant to trust and be open about your vulnerabilities to each other, and to encourage and help each other to grow.
In abusive relationships, the abuser refuses to be open about his vulnerabilities, to hand over his power. He denies his fears and insecurities, instead blaming you for being unfaithful; he denies wrongdoing, instead blaming you or warning you to be silent and to not stand up to them; he will never admit that his unhealthy behaviours are because of his own issues, and will make out it’s everyone else who is the problem. That is how he justifies abuse in his own head: because you are ‘up to scratch.’ You aren’t adoring him enough. You aren’t relinquishing your power enough.
To him, overcooking the dinner is a major insult: he is a superior being- ow dare you not provide him with an amazing meal!
How he is able to apparently move on is because he never allowed his authentic self to commit into union with you. Nd he won’t with the next woman, either. He will live at the level of the mask. And when she sees him for the real him or stops giving him what he needs, he will dump her easily too, motivated by feelings of anger and hatred that she has discovered the real him or is no longer prepared to be his slave.
In terms of finding confidence through other men again:I wrote something similar a week or two ago. But now I realise that abuse affects you physically, as well as mentally and emotionally. I looked grey in complexion when I was with him. I felt physically traumatised, my tummy was churning, I was chronically tired, hyper vigilant- and it showed in my physical body.
We can’t hide the ravages of abuse. It will show through in our bodies, our behaviour, our emotions, our mental processes.
I was told be my son the other day that I look much more well nowadays. I think the trauma is slowly subsiding and I am doing things to get physically well again. I am starting to feel like an individual again, and powerful in my own way. Maybe this is somewhere on the scale to recovery. I’m beginning to know what I like and don’t like, know what routine suits me best, know what my thoughts on things are, and I am starting to express them. So if I meet anyone I like, they will be met with a more complete person, someone who has her own strengths and personality. I don’t ever want to dominate anyone, but I will never allow anyone to dominate me
ever again either. Is rather just carry on discovering me, because the real me was banished for so long. If I improve in looks and health and fitness, it will be for me and so I can enjoy life and cope with it better. x
2nd May 2016 at 6:34 pm #16132
Thank you for your message as it has really helped me and give me food for thought. When I think about it they are just acting the charming man and not been their true selves, and I agree we can`t hide the abuse as it does show in other ways. Reading your message has really give me hope. Thank you for your kind words.
2nd May 2016 at 7:47 pm #16139SerenityParticipant
I am glad it helped, and I am sorry for the typing errors on my previous post.
We fall in love with their masks, because they can appear so perfect for us. They are social chameleons: they can change to suit their audience.
But they have no true substance. They can lie and cheat without conscience. Their emotions don’t run deep. They don’t allow themselves to get emotionally bonded on a deep level.
It is hard getting over this kind of abuse, by a manipulative wolf in sheep’s clothing. It is the worst kind if abuse. The pain and confusion is intolerable. These liars have used something sacred- the ideal of human love- to exert abuse and get their own needs met. Their abuse feels like rape on every level.
Many women go back to their abusers, because they feel it’s too painful to work through this. But if you can brave it and keep up the no contact, and keep getting support, what actually happens is that you end up getting back in touch with yourself- the real you, someone you’ve missed, like a long lost old friend.
Without them controlling you, speaking for you, laughing at your ideas, trying to make you feel inadequate and stupid, you slowly begin to have confidence in yourself again, to form your own personality again and to delight in your individuality. Yes, this does happen, even if you were left a shell of a person.
When you are back to being ‘ you’. ( and a stronger you, I might add- a true survivor)and you insist on being yourself and true to your beliefs, and being the authentic you, you will attract others like you. Soul mates. And maybe in thecfuture you will find someone who loves you for you and loves you warts and all, who loves your quirks and your individuality and doesn’t get angry because you don’t mirror him.
You won’t be drained by an emotional, mental or financial vampire- you will be energised by the experience of healthy love. But Kaza needs to rediscover the real Kaza first!
And if any woman feels that she was never given the chance or opportunity to find the real her! then she is free to do that without the abuser there- eventually. This is different for every woman. For some, it might be going back to college. Fir others, it might be getting pets they were never allowed to keep, moving to an area their abuser never wanted them to, engaging in voluntary work that makes them feel part of society, helping the vulnerable, etc…. Each woman will know what makes her feel herself.
As givers, we tried so hard to be the perfect wife/ partner/ mother/ daughter. Well, how about using that energy now to being the best friend possible to ourselves, so that we become the most amazing version of ourselves! 💛
2nd May 2016 at 11:38 pm #16174
Your words have helped me feel so much happier. I was just going to bed and thought I will have a look on this site. What fantastic reading for me before I go to bed. It helps me to feel stronger. I can not thank you enough.
3rd May 2016 at 1:38 am #16184SaharaDParticipant
I have always struggled with depression but now I really struggle with positivity in my life now. I now believe that I have lost everything in my life and I am not just going through the motions waiting for death.
I don’t know if my abusive husband has moved on. I am constantly homeless so him trying to track me down to divorce me is near impossible. I haven’t seen him face to face since he attacked and assaulted me over (detail removed by Moderator) years ago.
I have no more real dreams or goals or plans. It restricts me in my job because I am suppose to do this for my annual review but I can’t seem to become enthusiastic about it at all.
I spent many years working really hard and fighting for myself and now everything I had worked for is gone and I don’t know how to get it back and a part of me doesn’t even want to try because I believe that it is pointless because it will always be taken away from me again.
I know I’m attractive as I am often approached, accosted and complimented by men in public and I am dating several different men. But I keep them all at a distance and no longer want a person intertwined or ingratiated into my life. No one visits me. No one calls me. No one invites me anywhere. I also don’t invite anyone anywhere. I simply ask the men I am dating if they would like to see me this week or not. If they say no, I just deal with my feelings of rejection or abandonment alone. I go to support groups and tolerate professionals who are there so I don’t try to end my life but the depression is crushing.
I do have some positive days and times but overall there is always this negative undercurrent. I practice no contact otherwise I would probably be even more distressed.
If you have friends and family and a stable life then it might be possible for you to recover from the depression more than me. When I had these things, I was much more positive and happy.
3rd May 2016 at 6:59 am #16190HealthyarchiveBlocked
I’m so sorry to hear of your sadness. Have you spoken to your gp, got anti depressants? You have done remarkably well to have got rid of him. You sound like you have a good job? and are certainly physically attractive. I too am a very isolated person, this past bank holiday weekend I have spoken face to face with 1 person. I have Facebook but nobody ever contacts me on there or comments on anything that I say or do and I never have visitors at home and rarely go out socially. There was a time recently where I was still in the grips of trauma bonding that I felt so desperately lonely and sad, a real physical pain deep inside. I have found an organisation (detail removed by Moderator) and I booked some activities for myself that I enjoy doing. Can you do something like this? to get you out, moving, active and mixing with people. (detail removed by Moderator) This lifted my mood. It must be hard going to be constantly homeless, what is happening about that changing? Please know that you are not alone in these thoughts of loneliness and sadness. From the outside my life looks good but behind close doors I would love a loving partner and a decent relationship. X*X
3rd May 2016 at 7:25 am #16193SaharaDParticipant
Hi Healthy Archive
I already do all you have suggested and more but I’m still stuck.
I have been diagnosed with BPD/EUPD. I have emotions more intense than average people and it takes me longer to return to neutral than the average person. I wish I could say I’m lonely but I’m more afraid of letting anyone close enough to hurt me so badly again.
I’m an old timer on the forum. If you click on my name you will see all of my previous posts.
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