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I have to do statements describing my life with my abuser. It’s so difficult describing life with a crazy person. Reading it back just makes no sense. His reality was a fantasy. He rewrote history. Even his emails are filled with so many different tones. From being reasonable to threatening to blackmail. In the same paragraph. Unless you have lived with an abuser it’s so difficult to put into words. In a sentence – I lived with a crazy person.
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Hi KIP
Is this for the police? It might help you to record yourself as if you were explaining it to someone and then document it. Dates are important or months even if the DA escalated.
Its hard to out into words your feelings and how you felt because no words can explain what your/me/us/every woman has experienced.
xx
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I often find that when I try to list or describe all the abuse I give up after a few points because it just doesn’t cut it.
Trying to explain the exhausting cycle of being repeatedly worn down. Arguments that last for hours that are so confusing you can’t even remember what you were arguing about.
I’m so sorry about what you’re going through. I really appreciate you replying to my thread and helping me, and I hope all good things come your way.
Maybe it would be best to just start writing anything that comes to mind, and just keep going until you have a lot of bullet points. The more you write down the less it’ll all be whirling around in your head and you can organise it all later.Best of luck ;_;
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Thanks moondaisy. The arguing for hours then not remembering what the argument was about is a good example. I can remember being kept awake for hours until I was so exhausted, I can remember being scared and utterly confused but I just can’t remember the substance of the argument. I think I will just have to explain it that way. It’s gaslighting and fantasy so why would I remember the subject of the argument when it was probably fantasyland.
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Hi KIP the only way I have been able to make sense of it to myself never mind to the police was by writing as I think @moondaisy said by bulletpoints. Even then it looks as if it’s contrived and taken out of a book.
You are obe of the strongest wouldn’t I’ve come to know, you’ll find your way. Would it help if we all sort of wrote things?
IWMB 💕 -
No two days are the same.
One week he’ll eat what i make, the next I’m accused of making it for someone else as he doesnt, has never liked it.Years later he starts eating said food.
Accuses you of moving his things when you tidy up, yet finds it himself days, weeks, months later.
You lose something, then find out he’s deliberately hidden it, broken it, threw it out(as there’s only two of you in the house) but he’s adamant you have done it, says it so convincingly, with a straight face, no hint of amusement.
Tells you he’s not bothered if the dinner’s not ready, yet when he comes in causes such a commotion cos the diners not ready.
He’s adamant you didn’t make him a coffee, yet you’re drinking one so you know you did, but he’s got an empty mug and he’s again poker faced in saying you didn’t make him one.
He’ll borrow money and tell you he’s given you it back or he didn’t borrow it in the first place or that you said you didn’t want it back.
When you have an arguement, he’ll go on and on sometimes for hours, telling you how selfish you are, how you’ve always to get the last word in, yet you have no chance to reply, get a word in, even if you wanted to.
He’ll accuse you of seeing others, having sex with others, especially if he’s not getting any. Then almost immediately he’s being nicer to you , changing the subject, telling you it’s in the past, let it go, but how can you, when you’ve not been part of those conversations, you’ve just been an onlooker. Had to suppress your words, emotions cos you know it would’ve just added fuel to the fire.
You’ve had three silent treatment from him for house, days, weeks, why because of something he things you’ve said or done to him. Usually for me it was going to see friends(I don’t see them anymore) or it could’ve been his way of punishing me after we’d had an arguement. I’d usually end up apologising, because the agony of the silences were worse than the arguements themselves.
Threatening to leave if you dont stoo going on at him.
Threatening you or your pets.These are only a few of my experiences, we all know there are thousands more.
IWMB 💕💕
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It is very difficult to write it all down in details indeed. It means first of all that you have to go back down memory line, to an annoying place where he is in.
Then you have to document it all. Gosh.A statement (in a legal setting?) is somewhat formal so they are after facts rather than emotions, they need the wrong doings of your abuser, so go check everything illegal he did and make sure those terms are captured in your statement. E.g.
Sexual assault.
Coercion
Intimidation
Emotional abuse.
Physical abuse.
Add everything he did, yelling, verbal put-downs, gas-lighting etc write down the memories as they flow in into short bullet points, put it in chronological order later. It doesn’t have to be long. I mean just the very first bullet point of the list carries plenty enough weight for one statement.
Elaborate from your bullet points and give examples of what happened to you. (What, where, when, who, how).
Transform the whole thing into an essay if that’s what they need or just present them your bullet points & examples format.You can suggest to make a second statement ( if you are up for it) about all the illegal things he did once you were not living together anymore, I’m sure the list is long there too.
You can also suggest to add a list of the impact of the abuse on your health ( PTSD etc) to show them how it affected you and your life.
I find you so very brave for doing this, I am sending you a lot of strength and girl power 💪💃
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I called it being dragged into a swamp. The endless, exhausting, circular arguments I wasn’t allowed to walk away from; being called upon to justify every breath I drew and being blamed for every evil the world has ever seen. I lived on the crumbly edges of someone else’s alternative reality and there wasn’t enough space to turn around.
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Thanks for all the advice. Lots of help here. I just worry like you said that it looks contrived. It’s so very far from what a rational person would do it really looks like I’ve just made it up. How can someone go from being the angriest person you’ve ever seen. Terrifying the life out of you to then ask if you want a cup of tea. It’s mind blowing. Luckily I actually have this behaviour from him in email. So, let them try to work that one out.
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This is what the helpsheet on the Rights for Women site says:
• It is easiest to deal with allegations in date order starting with the earliest. • Try to explain what actually happened in as much detail as possible. For example rather than saying “in 2015, he was violent towards me and I called the police” say, “around the beginning of March 2015, we were celebrating my birthday at home. He started saying that I was being a “princess” because I had been given a lot of gifts by my friends and family. I asked him not to say that and he got angry. He punched me in the stomach twice before storming out of the house. I called the police and they arrested him. The police took no further action because he said that I was drunk which was not true”
• It is sometimes difficult to remember every single incident in detail. If there are more incidents than you can remember or there are too many to put in one statement, say that you are not describing everything that happened but have chosen some incidents to show the type of behaviour you are worried about. If you do not remember dates or places, say so. In general, you should choose the first, the most serious and the most recent incidents of violence. You should also consider including incidents that you have supporting evidence for. For example, he may have called you names in front of a group of people and you may be able to get a witness statement from one of them to state that they saw this. You may have medical evidence of injuries or text messages in which your ex-partner was abusive or admitted being violent. You can show the court this evidence by describing the incident and then exhibiting the documents to your statement (see below on how to exhibit a document to your statement).
• Some domestic violence is harder to describe than others. For example, if you are describing a pattern of behaviour that amounts to emotional abuse, you should set out as many incidents as you can or state how often the behaviour occurred.
• Describe the effect of the domestic violence on you and your children.
Hope that helps.
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Thank you EbonyRaven. That’s useful especially about the dates. I guessed at them but I will just say I don’t remember the exact dates. It’s awful when a memory pops into my head and I feel even more disgust that he would do those things and I didn’t understand. I hid his abuse and even protected him. Not any more.
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The trouble I had when I made a statement was in remembering which events happened when. There had been so many, I couldn’t even be 100% sure which ones had happened that day. Abuse was just part of my everyday life. It would be like asking someone to describe in detail what they might think as a routine thing, like putting their shoes on. Plus i was stressed, emotional and sleep deprived. And been gaslighted and threatened so much, it was hard to know what reality was.
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