Deserving

[Serenity]

How do you get over the feeling that you don’t deserve to have or do nice things?

Before I met him, I never even questioned that it was my right to have peace, happiness, relaxation and the odd treat. Life was an adventure, to be filled with as many varied and interesting things as possible.

Over the years, he brainwashed me into thinking that I was wrong and greedy want anything anything. And I know he thought the kids should have virtually nothing of their own too.

Rationally, I know that this was a facade for hiding the fact that he is in fact greedy and dishonest. But I can’t get it out of my head that maybe I shouldn’t want much. I am not talking about things that cost money- I’m
talking about nice experiences. All I can see is his jealous expression and hear his words when I tried to assert my kids’ and my rights: “You’re never happy.” He said this when anything at all was asked of him, or when my kids or I wanted something. Yes, I was deliriously happy when doing my own thing- I just wasn’t happy in his presence, when he made me feel I should have no needs at all. That to be happy is a luxury- that I should be happy with suffering and having nothing.

Again, objectively I know it might be something like he’s punishing me for his parents’ treatment of him, or merely because he’s a jealous person who doesn’t want anyone to have peace, happiness and success.

How can I get over this feeling, which seems to have crept back into my consciousness?

Does anyone else feel like this- or do ladies feel enraged that their rights were even curtailed?!

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

Not sure how to advise u , i was never given any money to spend on myself and made to feel very bad should i even treat myself, so know i m
out of their control i just treat myself and nobody to tell me otherwise, i work hard like u so why shouldn.t we treat ourselves

[Eve1]

I think this can be quite a huge thing to get over. Whilst married I had no control over money at all. For years I didn’t work and he accounted for every penny. Any clothes I wanted or need would be birthday presents, holiday was camping fairly local or the £9 Sun holidays. I never doesn’t any money without him being with me really. I completely shut off any thought or opinions about money. I was brainwashed. Witan we divorced and sorted out finances he pushed me into selling the house. I tried to find work but it was sporadic and so we lived off the proceeds of tand it didn’t last, My brain and whole being was in no way used to budgeting, thinking about long term finances, Any kind of future planning was alien to me. I think I was so conditioned to refer any thought that involved spending money to him. So, and I have beat myself up about this a bit since, when I had the lump sum I did spend! I’d always wanted to take the children to a country they were learning the language of at school and where I’d spent time as a student, where he had refused to consider going, and we had a holiday there! We had some short breaks too I went to a wedding and bought a whole outfit and had my nails done, bought the children clothes, plenty of other things we needed and bought nice orange juice etc, instead of the cheapest everything. Completely reversed everything I’d had to do wish him. It was a bit mad really, but fantastic at the same time.

I’m not suggesting you do this, it was a bit crazy really, but do whatever you can to wipe out those negative words of his from your mind. He was wrong, you know that and we know that. You’re been through such a lot, you deserve some that happiness, relaxation and peace. It’s normal. We need normality. It doesn’t make you selfish. You are definitely not that.

I hope you can do this. Try it gradually maybe.

Thank you for posting this. Writing out how I used to have to live with him and remembering the lovely things I did with the children after he left has been good for for me! Sorry outta a bit of a long one.

xx

[fizzylem]

I think it is absolutely OK to want, need, have anything your heart so desires as long as it doesn’t impact negatively on anyone else. We are all human and all of us strive for happiness and new adventures – this is a given and perfectly natural. I think that happiness can also be substituted with feeling contentment as well. I am happy when I feel content. I’m happy if I see my kids overcome something they found difficult to do previously. This is his voice not yours and it stops you from wanting these perfectly natural things – he said these things to control you hey flower – to prevent you from leaving him or wanting or believing in anything different. Don’t let him do this any more – you go for what you want in life Serenity x

[Ayanna]

I have had spending addictions in regular intervals during my life. I never felt guilty and only when the debts were high I recognized that I should stop doing that.
My parents brought me up not to demand anything and always told me how expensive I was. When I run away I was bitterly poor for many years.
As soon as I earned my own money I began to spend.
I was in relationships with greedy men that deprived me of anything that I was used to have. When I broke out of my first marriage I fell into a spending addiction for several years. I got out of it and lived normally. Then I had this awful marriage with the ex abuser, who did not even allow me to buy new underwear.
This time I spent like never before. For a long time I bought whatever I wanted, even ordered things from overseas, which I cannot buy here.
The consequences of this are dire.
I try my hardest not to buy anything. It is really very difficult, because it is like an addiction.
Whenever I see anything nice I want to have it. I have never felt guilty for buying nice things for myself.
The ex abuser made me feel scared. He beat me and shouted at me when a parcel arrived. It was fear, not guilt.
I try to convince myself that I do not need anything anymore, because I have to pay back the credit cards somehow.
Happiness cannot be bought.
I try to find other ways now to feel better and this is so extremely hard. Retail therapy was easy.

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Serenity I identify with this so much – only yesterday I was just saying to my Women’s Aid support worker, how I don’t deserve nice things, how I don’t deserve fun times, happiness……

I really DON’T like spending ANY money on myself.

I grudge spending any money on treats for myself, never go out for a coffee and a cake, or lunch out, never buy myself clothes, money is very tight – so I just cannot spend on myself – I feel guilty buying an occasional £5 bottle of wine.

I never go out to anything, when you have been denied the freedom to do things and enjoy things for so long you get out of the habit of treating yourself, and your needs become low priority.

My friends will treat themselves to a hair doo/nails done/a massage/a new handbag/new shoes etc – but I just don’t feel comfortable treating myself….. Im just the kind of person who doesn’t want much from life.
I never expected anything, and I never asked for anything.

He made me feel guilty going out to things, so it was easier to just stay home, and soon this way of living becomes normal……

I bought everything we needed second hand if possible, and even now when I’m away, and I’m free, I still feel I don’t deserve new things and I still can’t bring myself to buy new things – second hand is what I deserve.

I’m just the kind of person for whom nice things, good things just don’t happen – so if I don’t expect much from life then I won’t be let down.

It’s so hard to change the way you think about yourself, when it was the only life you knew for so long…….

x*x

[White Rose]

I can identify with this. I think about things I’d like to do – holiday, get some work done in the house maybe by a new piece of furniture and i get a really anxious feeling it’s almost as if he’s there scowling at me. When I buy clothes I hurry out of the shop and get home and put them away. Often take them back. I feel myself cowering from the remarks on the clothes. I try to plan manicure or spa day and I just can’t do it.
I did get better with food shopping but now I’m scrimping again.
I annoys me!
I was brought up in a family without a lot of money so was he. Maybe it’s not him but ingrained in me? But I can afford to spoil myself a bit so why can’t I.
Writing this is bringing incidents back to me. I remember I bought a fab pair if jeans once we were going out with friends. I put them on I felt amazing my friend came in the bedroom and said they looked incredible he came in and said “you’re not going out dressedlike that ” as if I was 15!! My friend laughed it off but I knew. The jeans came off and boring old trousers put on. I gave them to charity – unworn I couldn’t even go back and return them I felt so upset. Same thing happened with a dress – changing room staff and other customers actually said “wow” he said “what are you wearing that for? ” So I’ve given up buying till desperate now. And I’m getting pretty desperate!
It’s almost as if I need retail “therapy” with a psychologist not a credit card.
Hope this changes I don’t like the stress it puts me under.
I also feel he’s there in the back of my mind if I let my guard down. Perhaps it’s worse at the moment as he’s been in touch and we’ve had to meet albeit briefly.
I want this to get better too Serenity. Hope it’s a time heals type of thing not a permanent fixture as I don’t want a boring, miserly, isolated, anxious old age where I spend all day in my PJs as I’ve nothing else to wear, eat cheap bread and soup and have a leaking roof, drafty windows and a jungle for a garden. I can’t let that happen I’ve got to get this part of my recovery sorted x*x

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