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Why when im lonely do I find it so easy to forget how evil he is….
I must have known it was wrong… In some ways I think I did. I just pathetically would’ve tolerated anything Because i don’t believe i will ever be loved. I’m desperate….! It’s horrible!
I’ve done so much reading on the phycology of abuse and for the first time ever this last month I have genuinely believed that’s what it is.
I even recognize that my eldest daughter (still only young) fell over herself to please him and plicate him. I don’t want my girls growing up in that world. I want them to be loved by someone who treats them equally…. And my relationship with him would not teach them that…. There’s a million reasons not to have him back so why do I still feel so empty without him. My friends all tell me I’m too nice and too soft.
I don’t know how to be in the single world… I hate it so much, in a way I felt protected by him even though I know he abused me. Yesterday I walked past a local pub with a friend and there were men stood outside… They started shouting things to us… I didn’t hear it all but it always seems to be the same. Comments that make me feel not worth anything.. It’s either saying something about wanting to sleep with me (putting it nicely) or looking at me as if they wouldn’t touch me with a 10ft pole. When I was with him even though I became almost nothing… I felt like someone wanted me. I don’t think I’m totally un attractive and my friends say I’m good looking but I’ve always had this pathetic sense of having to be grateful for what ever I get. And as I’ve said before- he must have been rubbing his hands with glee when he found me. After we booked our wedding I went home and was telling him that’s I never thought I would be lucky enough to meet someone who’d want to marry me.. In truth I’ve never thought anyone would want to spend any time with me at all…. When I took myself of social media, I completely isolated myself. After him, I truly believed I must be totally un lovable… I stopped talking to friends and just didn’t bother with anyone anymore. But since I’ve been back on there- lots of people have said they missed me… They’ve asked me to meet up!! So I guess I’m not totally hated…. -
Oh Starmoon you are not pathetic at all, and its so common to overlook how bad they can be, even yesterday we went out and My husband was the nicest he has been this year and I felt drawn back to him , he even made a couple of positive comments to me , very rare he does that, but I will not be drawn back in the cycle of abuse, I know this wont last, but it would be oh so easy and Ive been in it for decades so you are bound to feel drawn to him when lonely, we somehow push the bad things away in our minds, thats why it so important to remind yourself , by writing them down maybe so you can read them when you feel lonely and drawn back.
So many people grow up with a very low self esteem and them we are ripe for abusers. so many men think we Women are objects to shout at and lust after its sickening, they have no respect.
So good that friends want to meet up, we think all sorts when we are so low and feel so worthless, you are valuable and worthy of a good man. xxxx -
Starmoon, you are not desperate or pathetic. You have just had your self esteem worn so far down by abuse. We have to take such a brave step forward in bearing so much pain and letting go of our emotional dependence on them. You won’t always be treated this way. First you will get to feel love, respect and compassion for yourself and then it will naturally flow to you from others. Hold fast to that which is good (even if there doesn’t seem much of it for now!) X*x
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