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Further to my messsge below titled one last chance..
My husband self referred to a rehab clinic. Hes told me its due to drinking in the day (whilst driving) and taking prescription pain killers.
Id confronted him recently and said his behaviour was making me ill with anxiety. I said i was going for a few days with kids but he wouldbt let me go and was desperate, crying etc.
Behaviour improved for a couple weeks then went downhill again. I was on the brink of walking when he threw this curveball.
The days leading up to his admission he was sending texts how hell be a better person etc. Then the 2 days before he was horrendous. Rang me at work mid morning the day before and basically ordered me home. I refused but said i would be home a couple hours early so we could have nice tea and spend time with kids as a family. Instead the whole night was full of abuse, criticism, id put him in the wrong frame of mind and obviously didnt give a f**k, had cooked a c**p tea, really angry and upset. No reasoning with him at all. Even told all his friends and family i had kicked him when he was down and didnt care at all, wouldnt finush early etc. Alk this was because i came in 2 hrs after he wanted. I still had to pack his stuff but he couldnt comprehend that he could have used the time to get his stuff together abd we coukd have had a nice evening.
Instead he was a loose canon, i was a nervous wreck and my daughter was crying. He was then saying to me look what id done, id caused the upset etc. He even said (with real venom) that he hates me in front of them.
The fact he was telling everyone that i was a rubbisb wife and a bunch of lies to put ne in bad light has humiliated me, i didnt think he coukd actually say anything else to upset or surprise me.
So today i have put a deposit on a house in the next village.
Now im absolutely petrified. Should get keys a week before ges released but i dont know how to tell him or kids.
Do i tell him when hes in there once everything is in place, my parents thjnk i may br better once he comes out.
Hes going to go mental. I feel so guilty that it may put him back but i cant face the thought of seeing him.
How do i tell the kids?
What do i do about contact with the kids?
I just really dont know how to play this.
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Got to be up in 5 hrs but just cant sleep.
My daughter is really unsettled, says she has tummy ache and feels worried, very emotiinal, i have to lay with her ti get her to sleep.
My son late primary age doesnt seem bothered but has recently hsd a couple of really angry outbursts and in the last year had anxiety issues where hd literalky bit holes in his nails whuch he said was because he was worried about his writing as he was struggling at school. Hes also recently been diagnosed with attention deficit disorder and used to have bad night terrors. Hes also developed a phobia against things in his mouth, toothpaste burns his tongue,phobia of dentist because they oncd put fluiride paste on his teeth . After starting
To read When Dad Hurts Mom today im petrified that this may be the result of witnessing the physcological and emotional abuse over the years 😠-
Your kids will be alot happier as they will be safer when you are all in your new loving home together; and they are not witnessing his abuse. You all deserve a peaceful, family, private life. I would cut contact with him all together; would some sort of protection order be warranted? To keep him away from the new house and you? You got any evidence?
This has harmed the children, you need some legal advise really; have you got a WA’s support worker?
Sounds to me that the children might actually be relieved of this new change; prep them and try to make it fun, how would you like your new room to be? Reassure them it will be ok, find out what they are worried about and fix this. Do they even want to see dad? I would say something like, you will still see dad if you want to and if you dont that is fine too – up to you, see what they want and work with this but if they do want to see him it sounds like it needs to be supervised; so you could put his visits through a contact centre; sounds like he shouldnt be left alone with them. Help them with the transition, they will be fine, better once this change occurs.
Go you! Was so good to read your post, ‘I’ve put a deposit down!’ – feel excited for you x
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Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. These men choose to abuse. Don’t ever blame his addictions. Lots of people have addictions but are not abusive. He is not your responsibility. You and your children are your responsibility. The minute he chose to abuse you was the minute he gave up any right to be in your life. Get some legal advice. Phone Rights of Women for free advice. Discrediting you with others is normal behaviour for abusers. He’s getting in there first so that when his abuse is exposed he thinks he’s already got his excuse in place. Ie you. Google the cycle of abuse. Educate yourself on the dynamics of an abuser. Get support from women’s aid. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Get yourself safe. You don’t have to tell him your new address. He needs to arrange access via a solicitor and even then given his behaviour I would only agree to supervised visits. Ring 101 and speak to a domestic abuse police officer for advice. You can ask for a marker on your new home so if he turns up the police will come quickly.
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Ive had (detail removed by moderator) of no contact which was due to end (detail removed by moderator) (rehab rules) but he borrowed someones phone and rang me (detail removed by moderator).
I answered not recognising the number and as soon as i realised it was him i felt sick and shaky.
He was sobbing down the phone saying how sorty he is and how much he loves me and again wanting reassurance. Id promised id take kids tk see him (detail removed by moderator) and they want to go. It includes a family counselling session.
Ive found myself sayinv oc course i still loce him, of course i want it to work and ill give him the chance.
I can feel myself weakening and i dont want to. Ive felt so strong with no contact.
Of course ive got to carry on agreeing until im in a position to go and i am planning on telling him on the phone when i am but i know hell check himself out if he gets wind now.
I do want him to get clean , but not for me but for the kids.
How im going to get through the next couple of weeks i have no idea. Ive no appetite and just want to sleep.
On the plus side had a lovely weekebd witb the kids , even camped in the lounge ladt night and discovered im far too old to sleep on the floir as i can hardly move my neck lol .
Thanks foe being there, only my parents know, i darent even tell my best friends in case it slips out anywhere 😪
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it sounds like this is it. id let the police know whats happening – womens aid will be the people to guide you. could you go to your parents house until its time to move house? id say go no contact from there – it is up to him what he does now. this sounds harsh but in reality there is no cure for him so to speak ie he will always be abusive and most likely addicted. this needs to be addressed professionaly this isnt something you can do – like hes expecting. its not doable. its time to put you and the kids first. when dad hurts mum is a difficult read but its a sit up in your seat kind off book and i think all parents and people dealing with kids should read it. the kids are going to feel anxious and angry as you say but (not sure how far youve gotten with the book) they do recover – kids are resilient. its clear he will blame you and he is and you cant stand for that – the kids and you come first xxxxx love diymum
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also you sound like your giving your kids good quality time and love. they will do well having this ive been reading about what kids really need and that time and feeling a sense of belonging and also to feel appreciated. it says as long as they get this they will be fine. with you as their rock and they will know that theyll come through this. i know my daughter has and i think she is more grounded for it and the bond we have is so strong xxxx hope your ok and your neck feels better! lol
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Thank you DIYmum.
I am very close to both my children, theyre amazing. My daughter drew a picture oc a fsmily bike ride this week and it was judt me, her abd her brother! My fridge is full of pics fof me saying i love you mum etc …none for daddy.
My daughter has more of a bond for sure as shes the favoured one.
I realky didnt want to go to parents then house but i would if i had to. Next couple days im going to sort paperwork and get rid of bits as a clear out so i know exactly what i nedd to pack plus start putting a few bits away. Ordering bits to be delivered to work.
Its so scary.
Ill ring my WA worker tomorrow.
If i speak to police for advise would they have to contact him? I know i read of someone on here that had been assured they woukdnt contact but they did.
Hoping to have keys latest 25th so witout alerting him this would mean sitting through the counselling session with kids and a (detail removed by moderator) visit plus phone calls all week.
I really think i have to keep going and basicalky lying through my teeth until after the next weekend as kids (detail removed by moderator) anfmd have special things planned here and i want him to have a special day without worrying 😪😪
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awe it sounds like you have it sussed. like i say the kids will be fine knowing your there unconditionallt which you are 🙂 that is quite a feat when your faced with all of this – it so hard got the tshirt for this one lol xx
see what womens aid say tomorrow – it just sometimes there never a good time to break free.theres always something but its just a worry that in these times thats when we get sucked back in. it happens sometimes under duress trying to keep the boat afloat. i think the police would go to see him womens aid again could guide you. try to make him your lowest priority because eventually thats what he will be x*x i hope i dont sound harsh but i know what youe up against i think what im trying to say is be tough – listen to me im not deep doown but in this situation you have to be xxxx hope im giving you the right advice 🙂 much love diymum
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it will take longer – it took me 20 years lol i didnt go through fear mainly too much to go into. i can say from what youve written he will pull the depressed card – i had years off this i stayed mainly because i felt obliged and sorry for him. dont waste time doing this is all id say in hind sight. the kids will be fine- do this in the safest way for you and them and without them witnessing this if you can. contact issues and such can be sorted out – id take this one step at a time but when we feel scared i for one procrastinated ( im not saying you are – hope you dont think that) but if i were to do it over id grip the bull by the horns before he gets out of rehab. yes he will say its heartless but exposing his kids to abuse and addiction is truly heartless and your actually being the responsible one xx love diymum
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Im definitely having a wobble but ive GOT to do this. Just need to play everything is ok for one more week.
Once im out ill be terrified, kids will be all over the place but ill be out and i know i wont go back. Its just taking that leap.
Im just sitting down now to write him a lertter so when the time comes he can hopefully read it and one day understand why i left. It will also be a little eveidence hopefully of the cause.
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this is the scarey part but reach out for support were here any time to lend a hand or for advice. one off the ladies on here planned her leaving to a tee – i did mines in a torrent of craziness – its always best to have a safe plan in place, i know you can do this xxxx look after yourself much love diymum xxxx
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Thank you.
Im trying to plan. Writing list of what to take and what i need to get first. My parents sre amazing and will help.
I know it sounds impossible but im praying i can get house set up with kids beds, white goids, a sofa and tv. Can take some kitchen bits from here to get on with.
I just cant believe its come to this.
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