Desperately Sad

[Tiredone]

I have been single for almost (detail removed by moderator) months now and I was hoping at this point this would be easier but they aren’t. I am all over the place. One day I’m fine and the next I’m completely broken.

I had been in quite a lot of denial over the last couple of months. I think it was a way to cope with everything that had happened to me. If I wasn’t denying things that had happened then I was definitely trivialising the beatings. My excuse was he never punched me in the face so it was OK (stupid, I know). Anyway, this all came to an abrupt end a couple of weeks ago when a friend told me she was cheating on her husband with a colleague of ours. I don’t know why that has triggered such a strong reaction in me but the nightmares have returned, I’m having panic attacks again, I don’t want to get out of bed and I remembering everything that he did to me. I’ve tried to explain to my friend that I can’t handle her drama but it hasn’t gone down well. She doesn’t realise what this is doing to me. He cheated so many times, each one was utterly heartbreaking, and her affair is making me relive them again. Also she’s using me as her alibi which I hate. I don’t want to be stuck in the middle of this mess. I can’t handle it.

On the top of that I saw one of the women my ex cheated on me with this weekend. It sounds stupid but I had completely forgotten about her because everything else was so horrific. Their fling was so f****d up. He got with her at our leaving party (we were going to live abroad but he beat me up a couple of days before we were supposed to leave) and I was devastated at time and now I’m numb. It feels like I’ve reached my capacity for emotional turmoil so I can’t feel anything for her.

I’ve been trying to get on with my life but it’s not working. I have been trying to date as well but it’s not making me happy. I cry after each one and they make me miss him terribly. I should stop trying to meet guys ( I’m so suspicious of them) but I feel so lonely. I just want someone to love me without hurting me (physically or mentally).

I’m lost and I’m so desperately sad. I know it’s dangerous to be together and he made me more miserable than I am now, but I can’t help but envy his new gf, even though I know she will be abused, because she will have him. My best friend, my lover and my torturer.

Sorry to waffle. I don’t know if any of that made sense.

[strong soul]

Hi sweetheart, what you’re going through is perfectly normal. Don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s gonna take a long time before you’re ready to date again. You need to take time to heal yourself. It will take time but you will get there in the end. Be strong and don’t be scared to be alone. Get the help you need and look after yourself first and foremost. Good luck xx

[Confused123]

Hey HUn

Try not rush into dating, i know we miss the intamicy and company, but we need recover and heal ourselves first

[Tiredone]

Thank you both for your kind words. It’s more encouraging to here this from women who knows understand how I’m feeling. Talking to my friends and family about this doesn’t help because they don’t understand how you can be in love with someone who treated you like a dog. They think I should be over it or forgive him (both of which I not ready to do) and move on. They don’t understand that I’m not just nursing a broken heart. He has changed my outlook on life (I’m so negative these days), my confidence is non-existent, and I don’t feel like I can be like the person I used to be before I met him. I can’t imagine being in a relationship where I’m not scared of my partner. Isn’t that so f****d up? I feel like he was the best I will ever get so I should have put up and shut up. He’s moved on now so there’s no way we could be together again later.

I’m supposed to be getting ready for work but I can’t face people today. I had another nightmare last night. When did this end?

[Author]

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