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    • #144116
      Hazydayz
      Participant

      I have realised that in a decade of abuse, I haven’t done what I should have done. Kept a diary of the abuse. I need to show what I’ve been going through and now can’t remember dates although sadly, the abuse I remember very well. How will it seem to the appropriate persons if I haven’t kept a log of abusive events? And will I be believed? That’s a worry to me now.

    • #144287
      Yellowcup
      Participant

      Hi Hazydays,

      Do you have any photos that might remind you of dates and events?
      Have you told friends or family will they recall dates and events?
      Tell your truth, they will believe you. The truth always shines a light in the end.
      Try and seek advice from the appropriate professionals and see what they suggest.
      Take care lovely

      • #144450
        Hazydayz
        Participant

        Hello Yellowcup, sorry for the delay getting back to you. Want to say to you…thankyou for your reply, sopport and good advice, I am gettig my head into doing a lot more focused thinking today. I can always remember the worst incidents even if I don’t recall dates? I do recall how it left me feeling when they happened and forever after. It’s the smaller stuff if it can be described that way? that I guess has been normalised over time? that’s going to be so much and maybe difficult to log? As for the professionals help? I have a fear that the arresting bodies will have not taken me seriously because of my previously retracting my statement on the first occasion( because I loved him & just didn’t want to lose him after everything? The good times mattered to me and I just wanted it to be like it could be with him. I didn’t want anymore abuse. It had been getting very bad when I fled to the police station that time. I can’t believe how I found the strength to open up about everything back then but I had noone else to tell. I think I didn’t want to hurt or lose him that’s why I gave him the benefit of staying together, not splitting up and pressing charges. I am certain he would very possibly have been charged and imprisoned and I couldn’t send him to prison! That would have finished him I know! He has been there before and he has told me how bad it was. It is a long story I will maybe talk about sometime here? But, for now, I think also? back then, (detail removed by Moderator). (I really didn’t know him before and married a stranger with hidden secrets that would emerge quickly after we married) I don’t know now!!why I did that? I honestly think looking back … I had had a lot of problems in my life, not of my doing and Im sure I saw him as my…Knight in shining armour who had suddenly appeared in my life? As if by magic? Yes! ( Magic and madness! I used to call it! Meeting him and marrying him within (detail removed by Moderator)! I guess I hoped? He’d come along to protect me from some really really horrible! anti social abusesive next door neighbours that were getting away with somehow? running an anti- neighbour campaign which was both rasist and abusive in my direction, the new neighborhood was manipulated through intimidation and fear to gang up against me and my family visitors by my next door neighbor who was a drug user and supplying to the ring of closely surrounding tenant householders. It was unbelievable to me that the proffesio Al bodies concerned had reports from me about what I was experiencing but did nothing!? Whilst I lived there. (Detail removed by Moderator). It really made my life hell! before I married back then. And after! In that immediately, my husband was the object of the females overtly sexual desires. Demonsrated with their disrespectful and abusively foul and disgusting displays in his/our direction, when we were together or if he was alone going to the car. (Detail removed by Moderator). We were lucky and eventually got out (detail removed by Moderator). But sadly, that wasn’t to be the start of our happy ever after. I believe because of my husband’s abusive upbringing and projecting onto our marriage and me! what he witnessed for years and years of his parents relationship and abusively disfunctional marriage that’s why I’m where I am now. I have my doctor to evidence the affect on me if I wish to pursue action now but, I still love him sadly,that’s the trouble. I’m struggling with it! I want to just day…I have had police involved a couple of times since that first time, but I have lost confidence because of negative comments in my direction. I’ve posted about this and fear they won’t be there for me if I need? Sorry it’s been such a long reply! Thanks for reading! Take care too lovely.

    • #144291
      gettingtired
      Participant

      Yes I’d try to remember as much as possible even if you don’t have exact dates. Keep a log of any future incidents, times, dates and how you were left feeling etc. Some people might recommend secretly filming or recording any abuse if you can but obviously this can be risky. I’ve done this myself but have been caught out a couple of times which has then prompted him to start filming me and escalating things etc.
      I started sending emails to myself and then storing them in a folder labelled something random like ‘invoices’ or ‘energy bills’ or something unsuspecting xx

      • #144459
        Hazydayz
        Participant

        Hey there again🙂 how’s things today? hope all’s well with you? Best as can be!🤞 I’ve literally,after sending my last reply to you started another reply to another one from you, thankyou💐 (your probably going to need a rest between reading both my mailings! Lol) but seriously now, as I’ve just found the message you wrote me on the subject of keeping a log on abuse, I want to respond now before I forget later maybe? Good idea of yours to log the future, I will remember that! Filming/ recording? I agree probably too risky for me as I’m not too good at thinking ahead and definitely not good at descretely operating technical recording equipment. My smart phone is too complicated for me! If I use video photo capture it cuts out after a while with a loud pinging so that would alert and cause problems I imagine maybe? If I couldn’t talk my way out of the situation? Or fob it off successfully? I’m observed at close range most of the time it feels as we are literally around each other everyday, because of lifestyle factors. Actually, as I wrote that, I realise how lucky I am that Mr Jeckyl & Mr Hide are fortunately, not constantly switching places around and about me here. It could be much worse I guess? However, when The nasty man/monster emerges suddenly! the shock of his transformation and his nastyness that comes with the switching of characters is bewildering and upsettingly debilitating. Yes, I do have health issues as you mentioned reading about here, and it certainly doesn’t help that I suffer from a stress related nerve pain that wreaks havoc upon me during those times too, and worse of all, he knows that!. I realise it is for other women here sadly, everyday they suffer abuse/harm. As for me the problem is I never see it coming and when it does it’s distressing and debilitating, His transforming it comes out of the blue escalating to an unbeatable situation for me. He’s always saying after…I love you, I don’t want to fall out? I don’t understand how he thinks I’m causing him to a use me? But, he always says, I start it? Which is further from the truth than I can stress! Why? Would I create stress? When it results in my suffering nerve pain? He hasn’t considered that. Anyway, lovelie
        I’m sure that your having some of your own horrendous moments too, I’m sure from what you wrote of your experiences, which I’m sorry to read about here. It was awful what he did you wrote about after his catching you filming his abuse of you. Thinking of you, sending love💕

    • #144293
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Hi Hazydayz

      If you start by simply writing incidents, from the most recent and going back in your histories together.

      I don’t mean writing everything about every incident, but to start just by listing each thing you can recall.

      What you will find is that as you start writing some, you will start to recall more. The brain is a wonderful thing, and once you get started on it, without pressure, just listing, you will find that it will just come.

      Once you have created a list, you can take each item on your list and start a page per incident and just jot down the briefest details that you can recall, you might then for instance recall, it was dark early evening, so winter months, and if you’ve listed from most recent to longest ago, you will build a history that can be put roughly on a timeline. Again, as you go along you may find that extra time specific details may come to you, that it was after someone’s birthday, or before xmas, a time of night. Its a puzzle that you can build piece by piece. It doesn’t matter that you won’t remember every single detail, just get down what you can. Its still your statement of your truth, and note where there were others that witnessed something, and reference any pictures you have.

      Good luck with it

      warmest wishes

      ts

      • #144452
        Hazydayz
        Participant

        Hello TwistedSister at last I am getting to thanking you for your reply, your support and your very good advice. Yes, you have thought about everything that would be helpful and I really appreciate the time you have given to me. I have good recall on some of the worst incidents but not exact on dates but can recall luckily, year and time of years, seasons etc. I have been thinking hard this last day or two about things, I e been preoccupied with…must get the replies done to kind people here like yourself who have responded to my call for help. In fact I’ve just been going up the list and exhausted myself here on this thread, with the horribly long reply to Yellowcup who kindly replied also. You might like to read what I’ve written, if you have the time! It sort of explains a little more about why I’m where I’m at maybe? Well, it shocks and surprises! That I’m sure about, but hopefully? It won’t bring judgement on me from any lovelies here with their own unfortunate experiences and lasting affects of unhappiness or sadness. Anyway, I hope you are doing ok TS and if your reading this today? Once again, for your reply, support, advice, good luck and warm wishes, thankyou💐 warmest wishes to you too!

      • #144455
        Twisted Sister
        Participant

        Hi..thankyou. Please don’t feel pressured into making me replies, you have so much pressure on you already. We all understand here, very well, how hard it is to keep up with things. I can’t keep up with everyone’s situation, or all the replies, we all just do what we can.

        With the little incidents (or smaller, as you call them), maybe the less significant ones, you only need jot a few words along your timeline as and when it comes to you, and once you have started this journey of writing out by date, you will be able to fill in more and more detail.

        Take it easy on yourself, keep safe x

      • #144466
        Hazydayz
        Participant

        Hi again, I just want to say thanks and yes I agree,no pressure!. I’m trying to take it easy on myself, but I’m just the sort of person who likes to show my appreciation by replying to people who have given support and their time. Actually,
        no pressure! But today, I could really do with some extra support, as I’m struggling now with the arrangements in place for tomorrow. My GP is going to supply information electronically to support my application to seek legal assistance for seeking and obtaining a divorce. An action I put into place after the last episode of my husband’s abusive behaviour that floored me again as it always has. I e had a positive and hopeful outlook until today, believing this to be a turning point for me and my life but today, I’m really upset about the thought of the future without my husband in it. I feel as if I may be hurting myself if I pursue divorce? because inside I do still love him and him me, I believe. Despite everything. I’m so unsure of what to do now? Even though today, I have tried to bridge with him our differences that contribute to our problems maybe? He has no idea that tomorrow the ball could be rolling towards the scales of justice and our end. How can I tell him that today is our 11th hour. The 11th hour of our relationship our marriage. That his negative actions and attitude towards me have finally forced my hand. I Felt for so long without a chance of freeing myself from this situation but now I’m afraid. I don’t want to have to do what lies ahead of me, I really don’t but don’t want to regret not doing something so important for myself now more than ever! I have spent today having to carefully account into my decision about tomorrow, whether to proceed tomorrow along with my doctor’s support towards finding my way out of this often miserably unhappy and stressful situation, I can’t change things alone. His abusive repeating pattern of behaviour, learnt from his childhood background and his parents marriage abuse, it sadly and inevitably, has affected him now me, us! and our right to be happy together. Reliably the abuse just comes around and around and has done for so long now. But today, feels so last chance? (Detail removed by Moderator). So it’s worrying now. I know if I tell my doctor tomorrow…I still love my husband and am really regretting this action about to be put into progress, that I wish I didn’t have to, that I don’t want this, to have to divorce my much of the time… loving husband, it’s breaking my heart! All the abuse. All that’s been and is still too often and will likely always be in the future, affecting me to the degree that now, I may have developed a heart issue? that’s serious maybe? And possibly? because of the stress responses of the situation I endure. I’m worried it could be worse still? Maybe a life threatening condition possibly? I feel sure, I can rely on my GP to reiterate what she has said already , it’s not going to get any better! This situation affecting me. I’m feeling so upset, so sad about all this. The end feels so close. And I can’t change anything for us to be happy together, it feels. I’m so sorry, I just needed to talk to someone and it turned out it was you as I was replying to your message x

        I do hope your safe and doing ok xx

      • #144474
        Twisted Sister
        Participant

        Dear Hazydayz

        You sound exactly like any woman in your situation, having to face the awful reality of the loss of all that you had hoped and dreamed for, he abused your love, abused you, and you wanted it to stop, but he didn’t and it continued, to the point that you are nowpotentially suffering with physical illness and I am very sorry to hear this and hope that this not be the awful thing you worry it might be.

        The time immediately before the end is very fraught with such a mix of all the emotions, and its absolutely normal to feel as you do, but I do hope for the sake of your own life you can see how you will be rescuing yourself here, with the full support of all the wonderful women on here hoping to carry you through this most difficult of time, to lift you up, to give you strength to go on and prioritise yourself which will keep you safe. Look to your future lovely x look to the bright sunshine beyond these clouds. xx

    • #144306
      Bebrave100
      Participant

      Today I posted a message about (detail removed by moderator) on Facebook.

      I was asked by him to “(detail removed by moderator) I was advised to (detail removed by moderator).”

      He went through my posts on Facebook and said they one I posted from (detail removed by moderator) on t(detail removed by moderator) were examples of how I (detail removed by moderator)?!. I deleted these posts and he told me I was being “(detail removed by moderator)” and that if he can’t tell me (detail removed by moderator).’ I stupidly apologised to keep the peace and make him stop and he suggested that I should just think about what I post in the future.

      He said that I don’t have to (detail removed by moderator), however he reminded me that in the past when he’s (detail removed by moderator) and tried to offer me advice about situations, that I’ve just ignored him and then he said “(detail removed by moderator)” as in I am in the wrong all the time. He gave me an example of (detail removed by moderator). I apparently don’t (detail removed by moderator).

      • #144454
        Hazydayz
        Participant

        Bebrave100, hello, thankyou for your reply to me. I have tried to read? between the omitted stuff that the moderator has removed and I’m not really understanding much of what’s left sorry. But, from what I can see, I think? if I’m not too far off the point? Your having a very difficult time with a controling partner and you have my sympathy if this is indeed what you are trying to point out? I understand how that can feel. I’m sure! your not always in the wrong if this is what your controling partner is telling you? Don’t let him convince you otherwise! I don’t use Facebook though, fortunately for me I think? I would never keep up with it I’m sure! I realise that a lot of information can get bounced around Facebook and be seen by people who you might not? want to see, what you may have written? I hope you are keeping safe outside of here? and feel confident of finding lots of support here, from others who can understand. Take care

    • #144464
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      Hi hazydayz

      When I struggled to remember I was told by my DA worker to Try to remember the first incident that you remember, the worst incident and the last incident… I found it helpful and it might help you x*x

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