Diary

[Dragonfly]

Hi. I’m free now but I used to keep a diary. It was all about him. I read a few pages the other night. Dear dear!! It was incredible. I’m sitting there typing all this stuff telling myself how horrible and cruel he is one minute then trying to find ways to make him love me the way I loved him. I was astounded at what I had become.

I realised even at the time I was going insane but powerless. I’d been manipulated and tricked into thinking everything was in fact my fault. But reading this diary I know that’s a lot of rubbish. I could clearly see my writing calling him every name under the sun but my actions were something else. Always trying to make him better, pandering to his every need. Giving him space, then he’d moan I wasn’t contacting him enough. Then I’d contact him and he’d need more space! Everyone’s needs were put before mine. You know there’s a para in there about chopping vegetables. I couldn’t do that properly apparently but then he’d love the food I cooked for him and ask me to show him how I’d made it then I was chopping things incorrectly.

This all seems trivial but it really wasn’t. It was three yrs of undermining me as a person. Destroying my self worth. Slowly but very surely breaking me until I couldn’t make a decision, if I did I’d be laughed at. Then there was the subtle physical and sexual stuff, pushing me for instance but that didn’t happen according to him, the times I said no but was told I didn’t need to do anything, I could just lie there!!

He’d take himself away on the train, I didn’t mind and that made him mad that I was ok with him taking a little day trip on his own. I drove my friends daughter to her 1st day at uni, I didn’t tell him till I got back, he went berserk.

The point of this post is I was from day one, targeted, controlled, manipulated and ultimately beaten into submission. But for what reason??? I’ve no idea.

[Anonymous]

Hi dragonfly. I relate to what you are saying. I were in it jst under 2 decades. He were the same he said i hadnt cleaned the bathroom properly and said il show u how its done. I must add he came from a really dirty home. Ha. And if i refused sex he would say u dont have to do anything just lie there… wow they all have same lines.. of course!. Ive been out jst over (detail removed by moderator). Ive autistic soms too. The worse part for me is the aftermath. Even being able to cook what we want for tea without his approval. We are free we can breathe. There is hope. We have choices.. no contact is so essential to recover… i have down days but im getting there. Ive even started playing music from when i were a young girl.. im going back to that girl im reconnecting with the person i were before abuse… one thing il NEVER go back…… x

[Dragonfly]

Hey. I’ll never go back there either. Complete NC since that brutal attack. I find it incredible what one person is capable of. To destroy everything about us to satisfy their own selfish desires. And!!! The lines they use are always the same. I know this has been said before but it is like they all went to the same school and only learned how to abuse. I know he’s unhappy tho, I’d hate to be him, really I’d absolutely hate it.

[Amaguq]

Hi Dragonfly,
I can totally identify with all the above.

“But for what reason??? I’ve no idea.” I wish I had the answer, I used to say “is this how you treat someone you’re supposed to love?”

Criticism, always, nothing I did was good enough, I became more rebellious during the end, he constantly said things, a tissue on the stairs once, he picked it up and waved it in my face “3 days this’s laid on the stairs” my reply “I didn’t see it and if you saw it three days ago, why didn’t you pick it up?”
That was a red flag to a bull but he used to say similar constantly.

Two things I picked up on your post, the diary and cooking.
How did you manage to conceal a diary? I would love to know, I love writing but he would search my pockets, handbag, any paperwork, read my messages on social media, open my mail, wasn’t allowed a mobile, even though he and the children had the latest ones.
I have written a lot since, reading back is very difficult.
The cooking, I have many qualifications in that area, he used to love my cooking but gradually, he took over, criticised mine and that was a huge insult to me but over the years, I allowed him to. My fault.

I never minded him going out, I used to encourage it lol
It was so peaceful when he wasn’t in the house.

Icandothis, I too have an autistic child, well done you xx

Thanks for sharing, both of you 🙂 xx

[Dragonfly]

A diary indeed! He only lived with me for a short while. He was a nomad most of the time. My diary was on my laptop which he also used sometimes for work. I had it password protected. The only password he didn’t know!

The tissue on the floor! What an absolute joke eh, ridiculous behaviour. I was told what to wear, what I should do with my hair, I should definitely not be talking to any males. You get the drift. I’m at the stage where I don’t recognise myself back then. That’s not who I am but he definitely changed me. Now suffering with PTSD anxiety and depression. Do not trust anyone. I’ll get me back tho 😉

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