Did fears and unmet needs attract you to the abuser?

[SunshineRainflower]

I found some old diaries today as part of my house move and found the entries I’d written when I met him. I felt quite shocked and mortified that I continued to date him after what I wrote, because it is clear I had already picked up most of the red flags.

I wrote:

1. “I think he is not telling me about his past for some reason and I don’t know why.”
2. “He mocked and shamed me after the first time we slept together and I noticed a mean streak.”
3. “There is a strange lack of synchronicity and everything keeps going wrong, like the universe doesn’t want us to be together.”
4. “Weird feeling in the house when he was here, I felt relieved when he had gone.”
5. “I always feel so exhausted and drained after seeing him.”
6. “I felt depressed after our first date.”
7. “Is it all an act? Too sweet? Too good to be true?”
8. “He is very vague about his exes”

This was all after about six dates! I also picked up on how I’d found his dating profile still online when he said he’d deleted it, how ungentlemanly he was in bed trying to get me to strip off after implying he would be respectful, how he seemed to paint himself in a good light whilst dissing others, how he picked up on a blemish I am self conscious about as if to make me feel bad about myself, not wanting to show me his phone (HUGE red flag I didn’t realise at the time!) and lots more red flags.

Comments I wrote that now give me chills:
9. “The look in his eyes when he laughs – he seems wicked, like he is laughing at me”
10. “I had the strangest feeling that there was a missing housemate when I went to his house, like someone should have been there who wasn’t.”
(I know it sounds out there but I have sometimes questioned whether he killed someone in the house as I later feared he was planning on killing me as he was always trying to get me to go down to his basement and other creepy weird things he said. Either that or he had just dramatically dumped and devastated someone or someone had been there just before me, I know it sounds crazy but it was like a weird energy/vibe I could sense of another person).

Reading my diary entry I can’t help thinking ‘Sunshine Rainflower, what on EARTH were you thinking in continuing to date this guy???? He sounds absolutely awful, like an absolute thug, what on earth did you see in him?’ but I’m trying not to judge myself. I thought about it and believe that some key fears and unmet needs were the main reason I kept seeing him, combined with his convincing act, his lying and gaslighting. I think the main reasons were:

1. Loneliness and wanting companionship;
2. Fear that I was getting too old to attract someone and have children since a lot of men on dating sites set their age parameters to women 10 years younger than them (even though I’m still fairly young);
3. Exasperation at the other men I had encountered before him who were all so awful they made my ex look like prince charming;
4. Desperation and craving to be held, hugged, kissed, touched and to have sex since I had been single for years and don’t usually have sex out of relationships;
5. Wanting attention, validation and approval from a man.
6. Wanted to escape from worrying about and working on my career which I have struggled to turn into any sort of success.

I was basically feeling rubbish about myself, lonely, insecure and fearful about my future. I think/hope understanding this is going to help me to reduce my vulnerability to these men in future because it seems like I picked up on 90% of the red flags yet I still proceeded due to my fears and unmet needs as I was so unhappy and fed up with my life at the time.

Have you read your old diary entries from when you met your abuser?
Did you pick up on the red flags?
What do you think attracted you to the abuser in terms of fears and unmet needs?

[Serenity]

Wow, Sunshine Rainflower, you could be talking about my ex. So many things you write sound eerily like him.

I am equally as disbelieving of myself. Before we got together, he made some horrible quip about my body. Immature, really, like a playground bully at school. But then, confusingly, he began to chase me. Then he began to show a charming side. Rather than see this as fake, I thought maybe this was his better side, something that could be encouraged!

I ended up marrying the man and having two children with him. But of course, he was cruel from the wedding night.

Like you, I had to put up with him making cruel jibes about me, and I also think he planned to kill me towards the end. His plans were foiled on the day. But I do believe he was capable.

I got a strange phone call from a company when I was in a bad way, wanting to talk to me about my apparent life insurance policy. I remember being too overwhelmed and upset to talk to them. But now I am thinking, did he take out a life insurance policy on me at that time? The phone call was about a year later.

My ex also showed a nasty, evil flint in his eye, more obvious towards the end.

I ask myself why I got involved with him. After all, I didn’t like him at first. He kept on pressing to be with me.

Maybe I thought he needed rescuing! Or maybe I was taken in by the too-good-to-be-true parts. I had recently come out of a relationship where my previous boyfriend had treated me dreadfully and made me feel like an object: maybe I still had problems with self-worth, and somehow his behaviour reminded me of my previous boyfriend? The arrogant unkindness was familiar, so maybe seemed normal to me.

I didn’t keep any diary. However, I found his old letters about a year ago. The gushing words – of genuine- would soften any woman’s heart. He was good with words, and very poetic when he was trying to hook you in. I ended up throwing the letters away, as I realise now how what he wrote was fake drivel. It was manipulation.

I think when I met him, I still believed in a romantic, idealised love. He tried to make out he was vulnerable and that he’d had a hard life, and I fell for it, wanting to save him. A lot of what he said about the hardships he had faced turned out to be lies and exaggeration.

[SunshineRainflower]

It sounds like our exes were cut from the same cloth Serenity, and they used a special blend of subtle, evil and covert abuse.

That mean-sweet cycle is very familiar to me – he really pursued me for months, waited for me, kept texting and wasn’t giving up. He would say I was perfect, pretty, sexy then point out a blemish, say I had a great figure then imply I shouldn’t eat too much in case I got fat. When he found out that a much older, unattractive man was interested in me he made some subtle, mean comment about how the man must have thought I was in the same league as him and how ‘funny’ that was. Telling me about some girl at work that all the men fancied, saying that I was in the ‘middle of his age range’ on the dating site and an awful comment about how he preferred me wearing underwear to completely naked. And after I finally slept with him which felt special and important to me, he made some horrible joke about telling my dad about it, belitting what it had meant to me and joking about humiliating me.

The hidden messages were ‘you’re not that attractive, you’re not that young, don’t get ahead of yourself, you’re lucky to be with me, if you keep eating so much you’ll get fat, other women are just as attractive or more attractive than you, it’s not like you have any better options, you look ugly naked, I’ll have sex with you but don’t expect me to compliment you’ etc etc.

At the time each cruel comment was said in a subtle way so it seemed almost reasonable until I had time to think about it. But the more I thought about the comments the more I realised the meaning behind them and it would really bother me all week. I’d bring it up with him and he’d get all the defensive, or say I should have mentioned it at the time, or deny saying it, or imply I had misunderstood. No wonder I was exhausted. I didn’t understand why he’d want to be cruel to me when he was apparently so keen on and really liked me and I didn’t want to ruin my ‘exciting new relationship’ hence why I never mentioned it to him at the time.

But like your ex, at the same time he also appeared to be this great boyfriend – he was always happy to go wherever I wanted, cooked the same sort of food as me, was happy to go shopping with me, seemed interested in all my hobbies, was very domesticated, clean tidy and a good cook, and was very seductive in bed and I much much much preferred his body, all things that my previous ex wasn’t which I’d wished he was. I think I got hooked on all of this like a drug. In hindsight I can see he was deliberately trying to appear to be my perfect boyfriend and most of the time the illusion worked.

I very much feel I’m living with the after effects of these constant attacks on my self esteem. He clearly was trying to knock me down so that I’d have zero self esteem and confidence left. I am learning to validate myself, praise myself, appreciate myself and love myself to build myself back up and also reduce the need for a man to do it.

[Dragonfly]

This rings so many bells for me. I had a diary. I read it a while back. It’s all about him. There’s lots of red flags, just like yours. I’m sitting there saying how high maintenance he is, how I think his behaviour is unacceptable (this was all before he physically abused). It was like I was having a conversation with myself, saying ‘dragonfly, why on earth are you putting up with this’. Then in the same breath words convincing myself how much I needed him. Madness.

I think I got together with him because my marriage was over two years prior. I’d known him for many years, he was funny and exciting so I thought. It was a breath of fresh air in comparison to how I’d been living previously – another abusive relationship. Little did I know what was to come.

However it’s clear from what I wrote in my diary I quickly realised something wasn’t right, very early on but for some reason I decided to stay.

[fizzylem]

No diary, wish I had though, looks like this has been a really useful reflective exercise for you – was brave of you to re-visit it. You’ve turned what happened into a gift – a sign you’re overcoming.

I remember when I realised he’s not really sorry, he just says it to move on, to silence me, he seemed to apologise for everything, but there was never any heartfelt words to show he understood – think about a year down the line. Took me a while to figure out it was disingenuous and much later to recognise it was passive aggressive, a disrespectful tactic for control.

He did have a wicked streak, I remember being horrified when he told me he’d burnt a live rabbit as a child – suppose at the time I just didn’t know what to do with that information.

I think I started out assuming that we are ALL human with flaws, so I ignored the early signs as the good out weighted these – no one is perfect right? I’m not so naive now, I’ve learnt how damaging the selfish can be.

I wish I’d dated more when I was younger, I think part of the problem was my inexperience; the relationship I had with my own parents and the blue print they gave me for a relationship was not great either. I learnt that I have tolerated abuse of some kind all of my life. This has now changed. Although I am still working through this because atm I find it difficult to tolerate any unkindness at all which also causes me difficulties and leaves me wanting to isolate myself.

I’m now focusing on self care and finding contentment, I’m trying to develop the discipline to always make kind choices, for me, my body and those I come into contact with. I am hoping this will assist me when making choices in any new intimate relationships.

We all want to love and be loved, and when we’re alone there are unmet needs that only another can help us to meet, they enable us to access parts of us that can only be accessed when in a relationship with another, I see this as being what it is to be human. When with the right person its ok to let someone in, opening the doors will always leave us feeling vulnerable, but also close, but an abuser only uses our insecurities and vulnerability (the way in) to gain power and control over us. It’s natural be attracted to someone who we think may have the potential to unlock those parts of us we want to feel. Suppose the trick is to trust until someone gives us reason not to, if your gut is talking then listen to it hey.

[iwillbeok]

Looking back this was definitely the case for me. I was very young, naive and was totally flattered by the attention. I grew up in a loving family but my siblings had issues. As the middle child I felt the need to not rock the boat (it wasn’t in my nature anyway) but think I felt just a little invisible – not just to family, but friends used me somewhat (as teens often do). But, and here’s the rub – he worked this out and played on it. Slowly destroying my faith in my family and friendship – in a totally subtle way, in the guise of trying to help me, letting me know that he was the only one who really knew me, cared for me and loved me. That people were out to rip me off emotionally. That they’d never give me the attention I deserved.

No diary, but I found some letters from that time period (back when people wrote actual letters!) and two things struck me 1. My friends did care about me and valued my opinion, and 2. my letters to him were long, gushing, apologetic, and desperate. His on the other hand were short, cute little poems, declarations of love and not much else. I was besotted and he did the bare minimum (after he had me hooked) to fan those flames but keep me hanging for more.

[teatime]

I had my rings crushed into my fingers when we went on our first date… he was jealouse because it was an event which included something I had created . I asked him to hold my hand the lovely rings I had had all my life became bent and twisted into my fingers. But I married him.
You are not alone honey, you are kind, forgiving and lovable too.
I just was desperate for love. Also we forget the hormones released during sex make us bond…nasty person number 2 made me swoon in his arms, when I read my journal I realise how the chemistry was there but within two weeks he came round shouting at me about money.
I forgive too easily… I also get sucked in.
Number 3 was always borrowing money and expected me to look after him.When I left, guess what? He died.( I was heartbroken of course at the time)
Terrific idiots all of them.I always keep journals. I have them here in little piles! Nuumber one ( ring crusher) used to read mine and stole them in the end to justify his own malignancy and squalid affair he had with a married woman. Mine were just all about a totally fantasy crush I had on someone I hardly knew because i was so neglected and unloved. They were kind of creative writing.

[fridges]

I’m very glad, that I found this place to talk to women and write my own experience.
My weak sides which attracted him – low self esteem, women who have low self esteem are easy targets.
I was very lonely, I was in (detail removed by Moderator) for (detail removed by Moderator)weeks when we get to know each other. I did not have friends, family or anyone I knew well enough. So you can say I was a perfect match for the future abuse. Plus young girl from (detail removed by Moderator).
I came to study the language first and then to get master degree in UK.
My family is a simple family, I loved my brother and sister, my mum, but I had a long term childhood abuse from stepfather, who abused me very badly for years, since I was (detail removed by Moderator) up to (detail removed by Moderator) years. When I become (detail removed by Moderator) I was close to be graduated and was making my own money since the age of (detail removed by Moderator). Since (detail removed by Moderator) years I need to provide myself with all, I did not have anyone to rely on. My mother did not look after my needs, even basic, like food. For her and him cigarettes are more important than to buy bread for kids.
She also ignore all his abuse to me, he beat me, try to touch me, when i was younger, calling me who and prostitute when he came back from prison. And I remember when at age of (detail removed by Moderator) he called me a prostitute, I did not even know what does it mean?
He called me this, when I refused to show my boobs or that he will see me naked when I wash myself.
He was beating me for this.
So creepy man. I suspect when I was a child, from (detail removed by Moderator) years old up to (detail removed by Moderator) years, some days I was staying by mum. He even was molesting me, touching me. I remember from childhood, how he came and put hands on my body, starting to touch me, I pretend that I was asleep. And that left me completely horrified and I could not move.
At this moment I think mum cam back from work, and he left.
I do not think that he ever raped me, because I was a virgin until certain age. But he was touching me and forcing him on me.
All this left on me – big hate for my body, despite that I was very beautiful girl, I was finding myself so ugly, and not believing in myself. I was feeling dirty, and unclean. And that no one will love me.
I had very troubled childhood, left alone to fight for survival, even for a place to live, for food and clothes.
Somehow I managed, with very tough experience to survive and even got educated, got my bachelor degree in (detail removed by Moderator). But despite that I did that, I still felt like I useless and worthless.
When we had the abuser in childhood we often attract them in adult hood.
My stepfather was a heavy drinker and the man who abused me, was an ex drinker. How funny is that?

In my next post I will give the red flags about the relationship, which were alarming, and i ignored them, I was too young and to naive, and easy to manipulate and played around.

Women be aware! Be on your guards! take time and effort to think about creepy signals, and be strong to walk away!
Cut out at the very beginning and when you did that, never ever try to return and try again hoping it will work out. It never does!!!

[fridges]

Red flags
* said to me he is falling in love with me after (detail removed by Moderator) knowing me, being too much caring, giving far too much attention in the very beginning, pretending that he is a big gentleman.
* being too needy for my attention, my time
* telling me that he is madly in love with me after (detail removed by Moderator) of knowing.
* insisting that i must to move in with him, so quick. after (detail removed by Moderator) of knowing me. For me I thought it will save money for rent and I can study. Plus he was pretending so much that he is crazy in love.
My mistake – I thought it is first time a man is willing to help me on anything, to look after me, wow this is amazing. I have someone who wants to be in my life for me. Because I come from broken home and never had anyone to help me with anything. I took the chance. For which I paid very high price.
* before me, he has been in multiple relationships, and there always women’s fault for the bad outcome of relationship
* 4 kids by different women
* made me to know his daughter at very early stage, she was the only one child with whom is kept in touch.
showing me off how caring father he is too her, private education, how much he loves her and really showing off too much in front of me. Because I did not have father, I thought in him a caring father and he was much older than me.
* made me to miss my language lessons, by insisting with him I will learn english much faster, than any language school
* i remember the situation when he invite me for coffee to (detail removed by Moderator) and he got so angry, absolutely crazy anger over nothing. I liked to go to this cafe, it was every morning before my lessons, I will get coffee from there. They did not have semi skimmed milk only full fat. He shouted so much at the staff who worked there. I’m a customer, if I want semi skimmed milk, you are obliged to have it. I’m not paying 2.50 £ for such c**p service.
For me it was a red flag, I remember I was very unhappy and ashamed being with him behaving this way.
I told him, this I did not like it is not pleasant for me. He gave me all explanations, that the staff was rude to him, and I did not understand well enough english. And that i’m in (detail removed by Moderator), such things are not acceptable for customers.
* criticise all my friends from the language school and anyone I knew in (detail removed by Moderator).
* slowly cutting me from anyone, making me believe they are all bad people, only he is the one who loves me and cares about me

Then with time things only get worse and worse…

* throwing my phone from the window, because one guy called me, and shouting at me, that I can live without a list of admires.
* throwing my (detail removed by Moderator) from the window too, it had (detail removed by Moderator). That i can forget about my life prior UK.
* making me to wear really ugly clothes, vintage staff, which i hated. without shape, without style. making a young woman wearing clothes for (detail removed by Moderator).
He was much older than me and wanted me to look older.
* spit in my face while we were on holidays in (detail removed by Moderator) in anger over a little thing
* at the same place in (detail removed by Moderator) – when we were in the restaurant, he made me to try for the first time oyster. He loved them to eat. He knew how to check if oyster is fresh or not. He gave me the bad one, who was black. I got food poising, very bad, vomit and diarrhoea for over one week non stop. Refusing me to take to hospital or to call a doctor. I spent the whole week in the bathroom, not able to drink or to eat, or to sleep. I lost so much weight, I felt so weak and upset. He was making jokes and laughing, that i’m stupid and I moan too much over little things, it is just a bit of upset stomach. Why I’m so crazy? It is a such little thing.
I recall how he was checking all oysters before eating them, and how he was checking mine before giving to me. He did this intentionally.
* making me to eat food which i did not like or wanted to eat. like cooking (detail removed by Moderator) – i hate to eat (detail removed by Moderator), i never do!
* i have food allergy to (detail removed by Moderator), very strong. he knew this, and making food with this, forcing me to eat, saying it is nothing wrong, and i invent that i have an allergy and upset digestion.
* calling me ugly, with such face no one ever will look at me
* calling me fat cow, i’m size (detail removed by Moderator) during this period. that i have cellulitis (detail removed by Moderator) and my boobs are sagging boobs, and a*s.
* i was just out of uni and he convincing me that there will no ever will be other man, who ever will love me like him. That being early (detail removed by Moderator) it is already too late for marriage in my case.
* convincing me that all men only one to f**k me and use a sex toy. And only he is the one who has something to me to offer, like a commitment to live with me. there never will be a man out of there who ever will offer me a life together
* look at yourself in the mirror and be realistic, do not dream, if you leave me, you never get anyone else in your life
* criticise me for the way I was dressing
* you are (detail removed by Moderator) in this country, you are cheap woman, and no one ever will marry you, men think you are here for easy f**k.
* first when i was moving with him, he gave me all guarantee that he will support me, will look after me. It never happened. It was all lies just to make me to commit to him.
* i was silly enough to say that I have savings in my home country for my master degree. but i do not have enough money to provide for the house and food for this period.
* he made me to spend all my savings, by creating different trouble situations.
* with lies he convince me to take a place on my name, paid in advance 6 months, and then I was left paying for rent and all the bills from my savings.
* not giving me any space to spend time on my own
* did not give me the right to sleep if I wanted, he wake up early and was waking me up. For him was ok to sleep max (detail removed by Moderator) hours a day and I need much more.
* in front of the people he was pretending he is super nice, super caring
* shouting at me for every little thing.
* made me moved to (detail removed by Moderator), by pretending he is changed, he was a good man for 2 months and often it was this way. He was begging for forgiveness, saying sorry, that he will never hurt me, he will never abuse me or to do anything bad. He would be very nice and then it will go worse than before. Few times when i wanted to leave, I already did not care where I will live, how I will make it up, he would take high dosage (detail removed by Moderator) and pretending he is going to kill himself. Life without me is worthless.
* gave me very expensive engagement ring when I wanted to live him, swearing on his life, he will change.
* making me to think that i’m stupid and never will be able to make in the job or be successful in anything.
* being (detail removed by Moderator) it is too late for study, you are old.
* calling me numbers time a day when he is away abroad, calling me a w***e if i would not hear my phone.
* he spit on my face in public in (detail removed by Moderator) over a little thing, I did not want to translate the email what my cousin wrote to me.
* he throw me out from the flat from there and not giving me my passport. It was in the safe in the apartment.
I was sitting in front of the door, crying and begging to give me my passport and at least my wallet.
* when I found the excuse to go to UK alone, I decided I never return to (detail removed by Moderator) or to him.
Have to say he run to (detail removed by Moderator), because he made some illegal things over his companies, he did not want to pay the tax bills and what companies owned to other companies. He sold a company to one silly young man and convince him to go (detail removed by Moderator) and paying in cash him for (detail removed by Moderator) years.
This is also an alarm over his deals and business arrangements.
This is why he could not have a place in UK, so there will be no address for him. I understood it all later.
But even being there and me being here, he able to terrorise me with constant calls.
Emails, treats.
* In (detail removed by Moderator) he was telling me often, if I leave him, he will just pay someone to do something bad to me. And no one ever will find out that it was him. like to trow acid or chemicals into my face. (detail removed by Moderator)
* He was forcing me to say to people how proud i’m having him, how good man he is and so one. and the ring was the ticket. look which expensive ring i gave to her.
* he prohibited to me to speak to my family, my brother, my sister, he was taking my phone and deleting all contacts
* when he destroy my phone, he always go and buy new one, with new sim. so i will have no people whom i can say anything
* when i was saying my ideas what i would like to do or to study, he always sabotage me, calling me stupid and this is never going to work out.
(detail removed by Moderator)
* also in (detail removed by Moderator) i had happen to me, that due to all stress, I could not have sex, it was impossible, my vagina will close and it is impossible to do anything. I had painful abdominal all the time, and could not understand why.Then he agreed that I will visit a doctor with him. She checked me and asked if I was raped, I did not know what to answer.
He was there too. She put as a stress and gave me pain relief.
* he was convincing me I’m crazy, not him and it is all made up. I’m overreacting.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Selfridges,

I’m really glad the forum is helpful to you, it is so good to have a place where we can relate to what each other experienced and not be judged or misunderstood.

It sounds like you went through a terrible time with your ex, I am very sorry about how he treated you and about the childhood sexual abuse you experienced too, it sounds absolutely horrendous and I know what you mean about abusers seeming familiar when we have already experienced one type of abuse before. There is an organisation called NAPAC which supports people who experienced child abuse, you can ring them and talk about it and I found them very helpful and they might help you find a counsellor too.

I was nodding my head when I read your story, my ex was also charming and seemingly super keen on me at first but then gradually he started to subtly imply I wasn’t that attractive and was getting fat when I was in fact losing weight becoming underweight due to the stress he caused. He looked at my body when I was naked and scrunched up his face and said something about how I was more attractive with clothes on! I have always had attention from men and previous boyfriends always said what a great body I had so it felt really strange and unsettling for my boyfriend to be implying I was ugly (yet of course he somehow always wanted to have sex with me, so I can’t have been that ugly, they are so twisted!) They love to lower our confidence and break us down so that we stay with them. Months on I am struggling with feeling fat and ugly still due to his comments, it is hard to shake it off as it really knocked my already shaky confidence. When men are interested in me I feel surprised because my ex implied I was nothing special. He cheated on me too and I need to go and have another STD test to check I am all clear.

I too also had those abdominal cramps, my abdomen would swell up like a balloon and I had to go to the drs. It was so strange and had never happened before and was very sore, thankfully it went as soon as I left him. Part of me worried he was hurting me in my sleep and that was causing it but it could have just been stress too.

Well I hope you are safe now and are continuing with your studies and independent life, don’t let him ruin things for you, you have a bright future ahead of you. Keep looking for the right therapist, access any local support groups and keep posting on here, it helps to get it all out and talk about it.

[maddog]

My husband was waving red flags all over the place from the beginning. He was useless with condoms, refused to be tested for STIs, was vile about his mother and his then wife. He did sex AT me which confused me but I thought it would get better. He insisted I sleep naked. He punched me to make me shut up. He has sexually assaulted me more times than I can remember. He has always made excuses for his behaviour. Everything is someon elses fault. He drips vitriol.
When we met I was in a good place for the first time in my life. I had flashes that there was something really wrong. I have had flashes that he may not be safe around children. Flash flash flash.
I am angry beyond words and if he drank vitriol it would make no difference.

[fridges]

Hello, Sunshine Rain flower,
Thank you for your post! I’m very much appreciating to all women who created this forum, who write and not afraid to share their experience.
For years I was so ashamed and could not open up about it. It is only now I realised that I must voice it and found a courage to speak about it. It is not me who should feel ashamed and blame myself. It is them who should be ashamed for being awful abusive men, how do they look every day in the mirror? knowing what they have done?
I was ashamed how I let these things happen to me? How I let some men humiliate, use me sexually and abuse me? How I let this running for years?
In some things I’m very intelligent, but how I managed to put myself in this situations?
A healthy woman would stop quick any little abuse or disrespect coming to her ? She will stand up for herself and give a very clear message to a man, I’m not a sex toy, I’m not a bank, I’m not here to listen your rubbish?
How dare you call me fat ? Look at yourself and get lost!

If we women, see the bad attitude on the first dates, when we are getting involved, we would never end up in abusive relationship.
First they are super nice, when they got you in their pocket, the game starts. They know exactly when to start to abuse. First it starts with little things and over years it grows badly, it will be done with little portions, so you will notice too big changes very quick. They know it is already too late to stand up for yourself and protect yourself, and value your time, your body, your money, and sanity.
It is like you put a pan with cold water on the fire, put the frog. She will swim, until will be cooked. But if you put the frog in the boiling water alive, she might get burned, but she will jump out from the boiling water.
Now I’m very careful whom I’m letting to my life. I hope I will never make a mistake, like I did in the past.
Instead of being afraid to be single. You better be single and building your life. Than to be not single and let the abuse destroy the whole you. This scars are long to heal.

i’m few years free from the extreme abusive ex. I had few short term relationships after. No one got into this stage like him. But I knew where it could bring me and I left these men very fast. I did not want to be treated badly.
One try to manipulate me, putting like it is in my own interest, pretending he is my good friend. I almost believe, but thanks God, I have realised after few months he was playing me up. He wants only me for himself, his not my friend, he is selfish person, who knows his own interests. He force me few times to have sex when I did not want at all, I was sick or I told him, I do not want to have sex, because I like someone else, he force me to have.
And always when he force himself on me sexually, he knew what he did, he very quick try to compensate with expensive gift, showing how much affection he has for me. to take my attention away, that he actually force me.
This man I cut from my life, I blocked him. And I never want to see his face or ever speak to him again. He still trying to contact me – writing emails, pretending how nice he is and that he is really thinking about my well being.

Since then – I try to live very clean life, I do not let men disrespect me or look at me as for sex. And slowly it changes how I feel myself. I learn that I want to stand for myself and not letting to disrespect me. I always say to me – do not be afraid to stay alone, as it is better to be alone, than with the bad man.

There were years when I could not socialise, I lead very isolated life. I could not work, I could not face people, as often I would cry everyday or smell will trigger, or music, or words, or someone comes closer to me and I feel I’m going to break down.

Now I feel better, I started to do some things at home and it lead me being creative. I plan to take education + reshape my life.
Only after years I was able to pull myself together, and I realise on my own it could take too long. And may be it is worth to try to get a professional help.

To all women who are here, VALUE yourself! It is not about the look, we have a heart, we have a soul, we have kindness. Do not let any men to belittle you. If he tries this, it mean he is not up to good!

A man, who is good, will do things to make you happy and safe. He will not make you feel cheap during or after sex.
If you feel bad after being intimate with him, it is wrong!

[Ribena]

This thread has made me feel sick to my stomach because the first few posts are so spot on. I saw the flags, and I ignored them. He was such a charmer to begin with, he swept me off my feet. Yet the flags appeared early on and I ignored them. I uprooted my whole life for him despite my gut telling me not to. I’m an intelligent woman and I cannot believe to this day I let him into my life because that choice is going to impact me forever. I have two children with him so will have to have him in my life to a certain extent until they are older.

I am not with him now but even now he carries on – not to the same level as Ive set boundaries but he tries. The evil stare is still there. He will not change. This man is a doctor – people go to him with their problems and probably some have even told him they’ve been victims of abuse. Yet he cannot admit that he too is an abuser. I’ve been out for a year but its only now the impact of his years of emotional abuse is really hitting me.

[fridges]

Of course who of them can admit that they abuse someone. When I was telling how it makes me feel what he is doing and behaving, very quick he shut me up, I have no right to even think about it, and he is above me.
Imagine an old man, who is double of my age, saying that I’m the most ugly woman whom he ever dated.
That when he looks at my body, he can vomit, but it did not stop him to get the hard one and sleep with me.
Now when I look back I’m aware it was nothing to do with my body, or my face or the way I speak english and can make mistakes.
I speak many languages, and he spoke only one English. He was calling me stupid, that I have an accent.
If I ever can do something for women, who suffered like me, to escape men like this, and start fresh, despite of all hurt. I would be glad and very happy.
Where I come from, women suffer abuse in silence, and when abuse happened to me, I was not aware that I can get any help here, I did not even know that here are the law who can protect women.
There should be like a site, where women can report abusive men and what they have done. Kind of blacklist.
As they move from one relationship to other, carrying on with their abuse on someone else.
I’m sure there are other women who have been abused by him.

Ribena, I hope with time passes you will feel better, you will be more stable and secure on your won two feet.
When he try to push you, you respond, so he knows, you are not an easy target.
I wish to all women here be patient with yourself, take time to heal.
The first few years, I was crying every day for hours, I was not able to go and function like other people. With time it become less and less. It does not go completely, sometimes I could have strange reaction.
Like I do not like when men come to me to close or try to have any physical contact even if it is not sexual.

[Ayanna]

Mind blowing.

It is hard to understand why we did not leave at the first signs, but this is what happened.

I was taken in by his good looks and his abilities in bed at first.
I could not be alone and I fell for his clinginess and possessiveness.

In those days I thought it was manly that he controlled my moves from day one and never left my side.
I was damaged from childhood abuse and former abuse and did not realise what I was falling for.

Without me realising sex turned into rape.

When I realised what had happened to me he nearly killed me.

I am lucky to be alive.

I have been learning ever since and I am confident such abuse can never happen to me again.
But I suffer the consequences too, my ill health is a constant reminder of the torture I have been through.

[fridges]

Ayanna,
I feel for you what you went through.
May I ask you, did he try to hurt you badly when you confronted him for what he has done?

What helped you to prevent not to end up repeating the cycle – childhood abuse and then abuse in adolescence?

For me I had few relationships which was getting to manipulation, emotional control and one of them, when went very bad.

For me was a great help that I finally understood and admitted to myself that what happened. Before I was denying even to myself, as I felt too ashamed and too weak to confront.

[Author]

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