Did he ever love me

[dancing in the rain]

Feeling so sad today. I’ve been reading more posts and articles and am hearing that an abuser doesn’t actually love their victim. Does this mean that he has never loved me. Does this mean that all the happy times when he seemed to love me weren’t real. These were the times that kept me going and trying work at saving the relationship. Feeling so empty.

[HeasvHeart]

Hi Dancing in the rain
I have felt exactly the same as you and I did get that from this forum mostly if I’m honest. I went to my therapist crying about it and struggling to comprehend how everything had just been a lie and for so so long.
The therapist told me what I was saying was not correct and that they do love in their own way. They truly believe they are in love with you.
So please take some comfort from that. Just because it’s not necessarily how we would love, it doesn’t mean they didn’t / don’t love us.
X*x

[Galnextdoor]

Please don’t put yourself down.
It’s true that they don’t love us but only in so far as our version of love and their version of love are two completely different things. Compleeeeaaaaately different!!

Healthy love requires two people to be respectful, act with integrity, allow freedom and encouragement, support both physically and mentally…above all, you should feel settled and trust with your whole body that you and your dreams are safe.

For them, love is about gaining validation, having their needs met whilst you demand of them very little, they require a therapist, secretary, housewife, doting mother, perfect friend….it’s unrealistic and is t a healthy kind of love.

No matter what though, if you had good times and felt they were good, they are your memories and your feelings and just because you see a different side now, it doesn’t mean that your experiences were any less real at that time. Most abusers do have good sides, it’s just that the good become so few and far between until eventually they don’t exist anymore. Your truth will always be your truth.

I think it’s John Gottman that says for every healthy relationship, there must be five good experiences to one bad (in simple terms),
unfortunately, we got the five bad times to the one good time.

[Lavenderrose]

I completely understand how you feel. I am feeling very much the same. It’s so hard as I probably still do love my ex but I just can’t get over the way he has treated me and continued to use different ways to hurt me. I guess only in time we can heal and move on xx

[KIP.]

In the beginning they love the thought of you and will love bomb and convince themselves and you that they’ve found the one. As the relationship progresses they love the control and power they have over you. And the highs they get from abusing you. You might like to watch some (detail removed by moderator) abuse videos on YouTube. See if this makes any sense to you. My partner fitted perfectly and it answered many questions for me x

[dancing in the rain]

Thank you so much all of you!

I agree HeasvHeart and Galnextdoor, its the way they understand love and what they think it looks like. Its so sad that they don’t know what real love is like. Lavenderrose, thank you for sharing how you feel. I’m like you, I think I do love him deep down and I still love the dream of a happy marriage with the man I love but the fear and the sadness are colouring everything grey. x*x

[Galnextdoor]

@dancingintherain

….I’m the same. Think of it this way…we just met our Mr Right Now, but we’ve still to meet our Mr Right.

They’ve done us a favour in the long run as it means we won’t waste time on the fools anymore!

Big hugs lovely. Our time will come xx

[dancing in the rain]

Thanks Galnextdoor 😊xx

[dancing in the rain]

KIP I did what you said and watched a couple of videos about (detail removed by moderator) abuse (detail removed by moderator). My husband is a perfect fit too!! It makes so much more sense now. (detail removed by moderator)

Thank you!! x*x

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